I think it's only natural, to become frightened at times like this. Times when I'm feeling both alone and lonely. Times when my thoughts do nothing but oscillate between regrets about the past and nervousness about future.
I almost never see the present anymore. It's frustrating as fuck. I get caught up in the perfect moments, mesmerized and hypnotized, overcome by fascination, enthralled and entranced and enchanted, bewitched and bewildered. Spellbound. Possessed.
I ignore everyone and everything and I do nothing but surrender myself to the preposterous joy that has confronted me.
Then, later when the perfect moments pass, I get scared.
It's too much. The moments are too perfect. This cannot last.
I really need to start paying attention to the moments. So that, when they inevitably end, when the duct tape and bailing wire that hold my heart together find that they can no longer do so, when I break, once again, at least I'll have something.
I would look forward to the memories, except that I'm not sure that I'll have any. It's all just a surreal series of beautiful blurs.
I forget where I was going with this.
Oh yeah, something about being frightened that I might once again find myself with nothing. Not even memories, because I'm too busy being happy to remember the miracles even as they happen right in front of me.
Wouldn't it be just about the most fucked up thing ever, if all this came to a crashing halt, and all I had to show for it was a fading smile and a confused look on my face?
I think it's only natural, to become frightened at times like this.