I've mentioned before about how I like to go back and read my old entries. It's always interesting to see what's changed, and it's even more interesting to see what's the same. Plus, sometimes I find stuff that manages to remind me that I'm quite capable of being a pretty decent writer. When I want to be and/or when I've had enough to drink.
June of 2006 was a good writing-month for me. The following is one of my favorites from then. Except that the wall is now more of just a line in the sand.
"You're a fucking dumbass," I said.
"What are you bitching about now?" I asked.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, you stupid fuck, " I answered.
"Well, how about you pretend that I don't know, and you explain it to me."
"Okay fine." I paused for effect. "You had hope just now. Don't even fucking try to deny it. That person just walked in the door and you had hope that it would be her."
"Bullshit," I said.
"C'mon, I was right here," I said. "I know that you had hope."
"What if I did?" I asked defensively. "Besides, it was only for a second."
"I can't believe how stupid you are." I was getting frustrated. "How many times do you have to be hurt before you give up this bullshit?"
"It's not bullshit," I protested. "It's perfectly normal for me to miss a friend, and to hope to see that friend again."
"You forget who you're talking to," I said. "I'm the one person you cannot fool."
"I'm not trying to fool anyone. You're just being paranoid."
"Paranoid?" I was incredulous. "You think I'm paranoid, you dumb fuck?"
"That's exactly what I think," I said. "You forget that things have changed. I've managed to separate things in my head. I want to see my friend, that's all."
"Save that bullshit for your 'blog," I said. "Like I said, you cannot fool me."
"You suck," I responded. "You suck, and I don't have to listen to you if I don't want to."
"You are such a stubborn asshole," I said. "Fine, but let me ask you something."
"What?" I asked confidently.
"You say that you miss your friend, and that's all that you miss?" I asked.
"That's right," I responded.
"Well," I continued, "What about the potential for something else? What about the potential that you saw in the two of you as a couple? What about the potential that you saw in her as a person?"
"That's all in the past," I said uneasily. I was beginning to get an idea of what would come next.
"Oh, is it really?" I asked. "You don't miss that potential at all?"
"Um, well I guess I'll always miss that," I answered. "At some level at least."
"You try so hard to sound like you've got your shit together," I said.
"Hey," I protested. "I am a lot better than I was. Why are you being such a dick?"
"Because I'm sick of your bullshit," I answered. "That, plus I might be the only person on Earth that cares about you."
"You have a funny way of showing it," I pointed out. "I was in an actual good mood for once, and you had to go and ruin it."
"You idiot," I said. "You've actually managed to forget about it, haven't you?"
"Forget about what?" I asked.
"About The Wall," was all I needed to say.
I went numb for a precious second. "You asshole," I said as the pain came rushing back to me. "Why did you have to remind me? Why couldn't you just let me be content for a while?"
"Because contentedness is dangerous for you," I said. "You can't handle being content, and you always look for something more."
"And what's wrong with that?" I asked, though I knew what the answer would be.
"What's wrong with that, you dumb fuck, is that you always look for the same thing. Over and over and over and over. And you're never going to find it."
"Because of The Wall," I admitted.
"Right. Because of The Wall," I answered. "All of that potential that you saw - it's unreachable to you now. You've got to come to grips with that fact."
"You know," I countered. "I wasn't thinking about that stuff at all, before you butted in. I just missed my friend. You could have left me alone."
I sighed. I'd hoped that it wouldn't come to this. "Okay," I said. "I'll make you a deal. Let me ask you one more question, and if you answer it honestly and still want me to leave you alone, then I will."
"Great," I answered. "Ask your fucking question."
"Okay, here goes." This was going to be hard for me to ask, I knew that it would be exponentially tougher for him to answer. "Right now, you realize that all of that potential is something that you'll never see realized. Right now, you know it like you've never known it before. My question is this: Without that potential, with nothing except the opportunity for what you once had, and nothing more, ever, are you sure that you want to see her walk through that door?"
I knew what I was supposed to say. I sure as fuck knew what I wanted to say. But I decided, for some reason that escapes me now as I tell this story, I decided to answer the question honestly.
"If you put it like that," I responded, "then the answer is no. To simply go back to what there was would be impossible. It would hurt too much. I'd rather have nothing than try to go back to that while knowing that there would never be anything more."
"Thank you for your honesty," I said gently. "And now, as I promised, I'll leave you alone if that's your wish. You can hope and dream all you want, and I won't interrupt you again."
"That's okay," I said. "You can stay for a while if you want."
"Thank you," I answered. "Let's have a beer together, and let's miss her for a while."
"Sounds good," I accepted. "I'll try not to have any hope this time."
"I know you'll try," I said. "And if you slip up, I'll be right here for you. To smack you down once again."
I allowed myself a smile. "You're an asshole, you know?" I said.
"Yes I am," I conceded. "But at least I'm not a fucking dumbass."
"Maybe that's why we make such a good team," I ventured.
"Cheers!" we said in unison, as our glasses clinked together.