She's been acting weird lately.
In a good way or in a bad way - I can't say for sure. Mainly because I don't know.
A weird way.
Like suddenly I matter more than I mattered before.
It's about time, I think.
I've been having a really tough time lately, with memory.
I find myself thinking that this situation sucks, and I kinda dwell on that fact for hours and hours and hours and hours.
I drink lots of beer.
Then, I remember that this situation was my choice.
Then, I remember why I made that choice.
Then, I decide to stick with that choice.
Only then, for a few precious minutes, and I anything close to okay with this.
The rest of the time I'm barely held together with band-aids and those twisty-wire thingies that come with loaves of sliced bread.
I seem to have forgotten what paragraphs are for, or how to use them.
Something else is happening. To a friend of mine. Something that I just know is going to end badly. But I cannot warn my friend, because nobody ever fucking listens to me.
Even though I'm right all the time.
All I can do is hope that, when the inevitable pain comes, that she can deal with it, and that she knows that she doesn't have to go through it alone.
I've been having these horrible, terrible thoughts. Like daydreams, except that they're more like nightmares.
Is there such a thing as a daynightmare?
Anyway, these little scenarios are fucking horrible, like the worst things that could possibly ever happen, yet in each of them I end up being needed.
So they're like 99.999999% terrible, and .000001% good.
I like to be needed.
I need to be needed.
But not at the prices I keep imagining.
Sometimes, I feel guilty.
Like, right now for example.
But what can I do?
Nothing, that's what.
The requisite eyes are not mine. I'm too close.
That last bit was a little murky, wasn't it?
Good. That's what I was going for.