posted by dave on Tuesday, September 21, 2010 at 9:32 PM in category ramblings

I'm going to be so pissed at myself someday.

Someday, I'm going to feel like rummaging through my old memories and emotions. I'm going to, after some token resistance in case anyone is watching, zip straight to what's left of this blog and to these years. 2008, 2009, 2010.

And, once there, I'm going to find nothing but feeble ramblings of a man so torn-up that even breathing was an effort; writing coherent words was way beyond the realm of possibility even if self-censorship hadn't appeared out of the gray and stopped my fingers from doing the type-type-typing that they've always wanted, needed, to do.

I am a writer, dammit! I have things to say! Important things! Why have I stayed so silent for so long?

It was two years ago last Tuesday that I finally opened my mouth. Finally said the words that I'd waited either three or four or forty-three years (depending on how you count them) to say. That should have been the last day of my life, or the first day of my life. But, instead, it was just another day. Just another fucking day.

What should have been the end, continued. What should have been the beginning, stopped in its tracks. I entered limbo. And though I've tried to leave, my path has been blocked. And, though I've been shown the door, I've been unable to exit.

I'm still here. Stuck between a place I don't want to be and a place I can't imagine leaving. And I watch everything dissolve slowly around me, and I want to cry out. I want to scream so loudly that my bones flee my body in terror, but I don't know what to say.

"Hurry up! Good riddance!"

"No, wait! I need more time! Just a little longer!"

I used to always say, when I was asked, that it was never all or nothing for me. I meant those words when I said them; they were the absolute truth.

But I haven't been asked in a long time, and I'm not sure what my answer would be now.

It's the not knowing that's the cruelest blow of all. It should never have come to this. I should have died knowing, or I should have lived knowing.

Instead, I just don't know.

comments (6)

I'm not sure. You mean you could maybe walk away from her after all this time? You could just give up?

Look, I've been hanging on for dear life for 18 months, and I'm no longer convinced that it's worth the effort. Once hope died, desire was the only source of strength that I had left, and that desire seems to have been mostly inertia lately. That inertia has run out. So I don't know what I want. If "all" is something I no longer want or believe to be possible, and if this present bullshit is unacceptable and untenable, then I'm rapidly running out of options. Call it giving up or whatever you want, but I didn't start this process. It was started despite my best efforts and protestations.

You once wrote that if you fall out of love then it wasn't really love to begin with. I belived that. Perhaps you know no longer do?

I never said anything about falling out of love with her, Ivy.

Well this whole thing pisses me off in a way that I can't really explain or understand. It's all very disappointing if it ends like this.

Ray! Where have you been? Let's grab a beer sometime. And yes, it pisses me off, too. No matter what happens.

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