posted by dave on Saturday, December 4, 2010 at 5:42 AM in category ramblings

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I've ever said that I did. What I've always said is that I'm just muddling through.

This is all just so weird to me. So unusual. So unexpected. So fucked up.

Things end all the time. I understand that. But how do they end when they never began? And how does that make it a million times worse?

How can I be so wrong about the one thing in my life that I was positive about? How could I get to this point? How could I let this happen?

I'm just trying to get my thoughts together, somehow, when I write crap like this. It's tough. My thoughts are all over the place.

I know what I want but I don't want to want it. I'm pretty sure I've said that before. It's not true, though. Sometimes I lie to myself. The truth is that I just don't want to be the only one who wants it. I'm so tired of being alone in this.

Expectations and hopes and desires can either be the best of friends or the worst of enemies. Circumstances vary. Sometimes circumstances crumble into dust. You deal with it. And, if you can't deal with it, then you do the best you can.

Sometimes it's all you can do to simply endure. You breathe. You try not to think. You muddle through as best as you can.

You make mistakes, and you hope that you're forgiven. You hope with all your heart that the bad times will end. You wait for them to end, somehow, and you don't even care how they end, as long as they end.

The old saying is that "God won't give you more than you can handle."

To that I always respond, "Tell that to my friend WomanRepellant."

I don't know what I'm doing. Everyone on Earth tells me to do one thing, but it's just not me. What's more important, to be true to myself, or to give myself a chance at a life?

comments (3)

I know you'll think it contradictory, but I think that giving yourself a chance at life is being true to yourself.

And, just for the hell of it, here are a few random quotes from Tuck Everlasting that sound appropriate to the situation:

- If there's one thing I've learned about people, it's that many will do anything, anything not to die. And they'll do anything to keep from living their life.

- Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live.

In this case, I was actually referring to everyone telling me to be mean to her. That's what I can't do.

Well, of course you can't, because you're not a mean person. I'm not wired that way, either.

I don't think that you should be mean to her, but you certainly shouldn't allow her to be mean to you (even if being mean only entails stringing you along), either.

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