posted by dave on Thursday, December 16, 2010 at 3:55 AM in category ramblings

I want it to be effortless again. Writing, I mean. I don't know if I can ever go back, though. Everything always seems so forced these days. Or I'll write a little and then second-guess everything I've written. Like it's not good enough, or accurate enough. More often than not, I'll delete it all and hope that I'll do better the next time.

I get so tired of repeating myself to myself. I keep asking myself for explanations, and I keep saying the same things over and over. It never gets through my thick skull. I either don't understand the answers or I don't believe the answers or I don't accept the answers.

Probably that last thing.

It's the same crap I went through for years, trying to answer a different set of questions with a different set of answers.

I imagine myself, in a week or a decade or a century, lying on my death-bed and reflecting on the life that I've had. Or not had. Whatever. I try to envision what I'll think. I rehearse the answers that I'll give myself, when I ask myself if I've had a good life, if I'd do it all again, if it was worth it.

I've said all this before. There's nothing new. I'm stuck in a groove.

comments (1)

I wish that I could write effortlessly again, too. Both blogging and my just-for-fun fiction. I haven't felt as though I can blog freely since JS crashed and burned (especially since my sisters turned the 'net upside down and found my Blogspot page in October), and I miss it. It (and the community feedback) was more therapeutic than I had previously realized.

I hadn't written any fiction in at least two years until I tried my hand at NaNoWriMo this year. I was going along at a pretty good clip for awhile, but I petered out around 12,000 words (rather than the 50,000 goal). :o/

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