I have this idea, this prediction, this foreboding, of what this entry will be. When it's done. When I finish it.
It will not, most likely, be close at all to what I've envisioned.
Oh well.
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Nobody will understand. Maybe one person.
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I get the urges all the time. Every 10 or 20 seconds. For years I've had them.
Usually, most of the time, I've been able to resist.
But. Not. This. Time.
The urge this morning was as if from the Borg.
Resistance, this time, was futile indeed. I barely even tried.
Stupidity, also, may be relevant, most of the time. This time, I ignored it. Relevance be damned.
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Nobody will get how hard it was for me to send that invitation. Nobody will understand how easy, effortless, reflexive, it was for me to send that invitation.
Maybe one person.
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My heart leapt out of my chest. It bounced around the room. It finally settled back into place, vibrating with anticipation. I absorbed and endured.
I felt.
Joy.
Terror.
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When nothing is par, then anything, anything at all, is everything.
There is nothing else.
Nothing.
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We ended up on this damn road.
Life provides its own metaphors.
How many times have we taken this road?
Numbers don't go high enough.
Our entire relationship has been on this road.
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It was a nice time. Really really nice. Just what I needed.
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Nobody will understand.
Maybe one person.
---
It never got better, or easier, or bearable.
It got worse and worse with every passing second and minute and hour and day and week and month.
Six months. Nearly a year before that.
Everybody said it would get easier. Everybody was wrong.
So very wrong.
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My lunch was yummy. My company was yummy.
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So, right now, I'm sad.
But that's sooooooooooo much better than devastated, ruined, wrecked, almost suicidal.
I'll take sad, every time and forever, over those alternatives.
Maybe one person will understand why I did what I did. Why I had to do what I did. Why I'm glad I did what I did.
Why it was necessary.
Why I'm so happy to be merely sad right now.
---
I'm under no illusions.
Now I get to try again. To start again.
Maybe it will be easier, this time.
Not better, but maybe easier, for a while. Bearable, for a while.
That would be nice.
---
This entry is not what I envisioned.
Oh well.
