I hate you all so much.

So damn smug with your "I can eat all the meat I want and STILL lose weight" talk.

You'd think carbs were sent by the devil himself. Everywhere it's low-carb this, zero-carb that, reduced-carb other crowding all the good things from the grocery shelves and restaurant menus.

I hate you people.

Hey, I've got a diet for you.

It's called The Put Down The Donut You Fat Fuck Diet.

The nice thing about my diet is that you actually SAVE money. For one thing you don't have to spend an extra $2.00 at Hardee's to have them take the buns off of your hamburger and wrap it in lettuce.

Donuts and cookes and ice cream all cost money. If you don't eat these things you don't have to buy them anymore. You save money AND lose weight.

You disgusting pig.

If my first diet doesn't work for you because people are holding guns to your head making you eat Ho-Hos like there's no tomorrow I've got another diet that may work.

It's called The Get Off Your Fat Ass And Do Something You Obese Turd Diet.

This one requires a little more willpower because, as the name suggests, you actually have to do something.

You don't have to do much. You don't even have to call it excercise because those excercise people are a bunch of jerks anyway.

Just do some work around the house, or play with the dog, or masturbate furiously for hours at a time.

Just do something.

Or do nothing. It's your life and your body.

All I ask is that you sanctimonious pricks stop looking at me, eating my spaghetti dinner, like I was mainlining herion or something.