posted by dave on Saturday, July 9, 2005 at 10:39 PM in category drink, ramblings

Eleven months ago, my body started having a problem with alcohol.

It seems to be coming back. Over the last week, I've turned into even more of a lightweight than normal.

Tonight I had myself an NABC Cone Smoker, followed by about three-quarters* of one of these:

Baltika 6 Porter

(bottle) I was quite impressed by this. An aroma that I can only describe as chocolately-grapey. A flavor that stayed with me from the time my lips touched it to the time I swallowed - in other words, consistently good. Quite yummy. I wish I'd had another one.

That was it. I'd had enough. So I ended up getting home way before 10:00.

I'm in a fairly shitty mood, but not for my normal reasons. Tonight I just found myself thinking about some problems that friends and family are having, and I realized that I just don't give a shit. No matter how much I try to care, no matter how obvious it is that I should care, I just don't

I am, as I've said before, a horrible person.

When I was a kid I took a golf ball apart. There was the rubbery outer layer, then about a zillion miles of rubbery string, then a hard rubber core.

If you were to take me apart right now, I'd at first seem to be a lot like that ball.

A fairly innocuous outer layer covering a much more complex layer.

But the similarity would end when you got to the core.

I don't seem to have one.

What I have, at the very center of my being, is a hollow space.

This annoys me, because I feel like a fairly normal person, I look like a fairly normal person. But deep inside I guess I'm some kind of zombie or something.

My soul, that part of me around which everything should be based, has shrunk to nothing. Beaten and ridiculed, it has curled into a little ball so tight that it may never be whole again.

I've been going about this, my healing, the wrong way. I've been working from the outside in. I act like I'm a person so people will think I'm a person, then I start to feel like I'm a person, but deep inside there's nothing. At the center of my being I am still nothing. My rebirth was but an illusion.

So how do I start over? How do I rebuild myself from the inside out?

I have no idea, and it bothers the Hell out of me.

Or at least it would, if I had a soul to be bothered.

* - I had the word "questers" here instead of "quarters" all night. What a dumbass I am.

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