No pressure. That's the saying, right?
I hope so, because that's what I've been saying to myself all day. Not as a suggestion, or as encouragement, but as a simple observation.
You readers, you might find it hard to believe, reading some of the bullshit I've written, but it was nothing nothing nu-uh-uh-thing compared to what I held in. Those of you unfortunate enough to know about my other 'blog, you may have an even harder time believing it, but I held back there too. A lot.
You see, if I hadn't held anything back, if I'd just unclenched and let loose, my writing would have looked quite different. I think it would have looked something like this:
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!After the first month or so of that, I'd probably have lost some readers.
The pressure that I put on myself to just shut the fuck up already was almost, but not quite, enough to keep me in check. To keep private thoughts where they should be. In my head. Instead of spewed all over creation.
I guess I got lucky. I managed to get 500 visits today to barenada.com, and the only price I had to pay was to die inside. That, plus whatever dignity I had. Oh yeah, and a special friend, or whatever the fuck she was. Mustn't forget her. That would just be so wrong.
It's quite strange to be pressure-free. Is that supposed to be hyphenated? I can never remember? I looks better with the hyphen than without, so I'll leave it in until someone corrects me.
But I digress.
No pressure telling me to feel a certain way about a certain person. No pressure telling me to stop feeling a certain way about another certain person. I can, for the first time in a very long time, feel whatever the fuck I want to feel.
And what do I choose to feel, having finally been granted this gift of freedom, after months of torture?
You should know this. You've been reading me religiously, right?
Fine. The answer is: Absolutely nothing.
Okay, maybe there's something there. Let's play.
Get one of those Nerf basketballs. I'll wait while you find or purchase one...
Got it? Okay, now smoosh it up in your hand until it's as small as it can be. Go ahead, cram it in your hand. Use your fingers of your other hand to push it in even tighter.
Doesn't look like much, does it? I mean, it wouldn't look like much if you could see it, but you can't because it's all squished in your hand. Just imagine it, okay? While you're at it, imagine how it would feel, being squeezed so tightly. Put yourself in its place. Be the ball.
Now this is the fun part.
You're the ball. You're under all this pressure. Now, open your hand, but continue to be the ball.
Did you see that? Did you feel that?
The damn thing expanded like a, uh, uh, like something that expands! It may be a little misshapen now, but in a few minutes it will be as good as new.
Oh, yeah. You can stop being the ball now if you want.
Remember how, like three sentence ago, you were being the ball while it expanded so quickly? Remember? Wasn't that cool?
That's what I felt the other morning, when the pressure finally left me.
And remember how the ball expanded almost back to it's original shape while you were still being the ball?
That's the way I feel right now.