I managed to become annoyed a couple of times last night.
Shocking, isn't it?
The second time I became annoyed, I was annoyed with myself. I was having this conversation, and a strange sensation washed over me. It was like I was standing off to the side, listening to myself babble on and on and on and on and on...
It wasn't so much the babbling that annoyed me. I'm used to that. I'm doing it right now actually, albeit in written form.
Nope, it wasn't the babbling, it was the topic.
I have no idea what mental defect caused me to do it, but I found myself babbling at length about you know who and how much it had hurt when she'd left, and how much it still hurt, and how confusing the whole thing was, and blah blah blah blah blah.
My conversation partner at the time did a very good job of staying awake and feigning interest, I'll give her credit for that.
I guess, like most people, I just have a need to be understood. People chat with me a few times, or they talk with their friends and compare notes about me, and they get the wrong ideas. Ideas like I'm some great guy that's got all his shit together.
I hate that. Even though I'm flattered, I still hate it because it's just so wrong. I'd rather people know the truth about me. That way I don't have to worry about disappointing them later, when they finally see my true nature.
The first time I became annoyed was during another conversation.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person on Earth with any moral values at all. I mean, I know that's not really the case, but it sure feels that way sometimes.
Why is it that, for some people in my little circle of friends and acquaintances, why is it that the fact that a girl is involved in a relationship with someone else is dismissed as irrelevant? And even if that fact is recognized as a problem, it's seen as a very minor obstacle, an inconvenience, a bump in the road.
What the fuck is wrong with people?
Sometimes people see my refusal to pursue a girl with a boyfriend/husband as fear. They tell me that I'm just using it as an excuse to keep from being hurt.
Why can't people just accept the fact, the simple fact that I don't want to be the other guy in someone's life. I want to be the the guy. No sneaking around. No guilt. No getting murdered in my sleep once the boyfriend/husband finds out.
This guy told me last night that if I liked this one girl, and if I thought that there was a chance that she liked me, that I should just go for it. That I was getting too old to be so afraid. He gave me that old nothing ventured, nothing gained crap.
He completely dismissed the very relevant fact that the girl in question has a boyfriend. That fact didn't matter to him, and he couldn't understand why it mattered to me.
I think this is one of those things that, if I have to fucking explain it to someone, then they'll never understand anyway.
So why do I even bother trying to explain?
Because I don't really like being called a coward, that's why.
I wonder, if I hadn't been cheated on so many times in the past, would I still feel so strongly about this? Or would I be like my guy friends, trying to get into the pants of every woman I saw?
Is this moral rule I take so seriously really nothing more than yet another defense mechanism?
I don't think so. And even if it is, I don't care. It's still the right way to act, no matter what the underlying reasons are.