posted by dave on Tuesday, March 14, 2006 at 1:13 AM in category ramblings

Sometimes I worry that I might have lost the ability to write a coherent sentence. But if I really think about it, I know that if I really apply myself, and if I really drink some beer, I can still pull it off.

This, for example, is a coherent sentence.

There. Subject and verb. And some other crap that probably has some official grammatical name but I can't really be expected to remember everything from my school days. I think that the word sentence might be called an object or some such.

But I digress.

Is it really a digression when I haven't even mentioned what the real topic is supposed to be? Maybe the actual digression will take place only if and when I finally get to that real topic.

I don't know.

I don't care.

Imagine, if you will, two people. Could be a guy and a girl. In this new age of enlightenment I feel like I should also point out that it could be two guys, or it could be two girls. In the future ever-permissive societal standards might compel me to point out that it could be a guy and a chicken. A chicken wouldn't really fall into the people category though. Anyway, for the purposes of this entry I'm going to stick with the standard guy and girl.

Try to keep up, please. I know, it might not be easy. Or worth it. I know that I'm rambling.

You know what? Screw the hypotheticals. This is about me and you know who. Again.

At least partly. I'll offer up other examples in an attempt to make my point. If I can ever remember what my point is supposed to be.

Oh, yeah.

I've written before that I've had fairly good success at staying friendly with my ex-girlfriends. Some more than others, to be sure, but overall I like to think that I've done a little better than average. That's just a guess. It's not like I took a survey or anything.

SCRIBBLERESQUE PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: I think it's funny that I've written all this crap so far and haven't said a single thing.

Anyway, I never fucked her. Not even close.

And, be assured, this is not some trick wherein I'm now going to be all sensitive and shit and say that what we really did was make love. We never did that either. Not even close.

Not even close.

Nobody ever believes that though. I don't know why they don't believe it. I mean, look at her, then look at me. Or, since looking at the two of us to make such a comparison would be costly in both time and money, just take my word for it. She and I are member of two completely different groups of people. I guess the more common term is leagues.

We are not in the same league.

Now, where was I?

Right, I was somewhere that was not inside her. I really cannot stress this enough. It's kind of the basis for my whole point that I may actually get to someday.

So there I was, not inside her, yet I developed feelings for her. Strong feelings. Overwhelming feelings. I may have mentioned them from time to time in this journal.

And there she was, going about her life without me inside her, and also - and this is the part that really sucks for me - without any feelings for me.

SCRIBBLERESQUE PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: This is kind of weird. It was really pretty tough for me to write that last sentence. It's even tougher to read the thing. Funny how you can know something is true but it gains all those extra bonus validity points simply because it's been written out.

I know a girl. A different girl. I've never been inside her either, but that's not relevant right now. What is relevant is that this girl, what this girl has been going through - it's the same as what happened to me.

She knows a guy. She developed strong feelings for the guy, yet the guy would not or could not or at any rate did not return those feelings. And then the guy left her life. Perhaps wihout the totality with which you know who left my life, but he did leave.

So this girl and I have a lot in common, and we've become friends over the Internet. We email each other and discuss our mutual woes because we each know that the other will understand those woes and not be a judgmental asshole about it.

By doing this, we sometimes we even help each other get through the sadness that we're dealing with.

I think I've digressed again.

One of the topics of conversation that my friend and I have shared recently is the question of whether a guy and a girl (or two guys, or whatever - you know the drill) can ever be friends when the feelings are so lopsided.

I've been thinking about this a lot. For like a year and a half. I keep thinking about because I don't like the answer that I keep coming up with.

I don't think, if I'm completely honest with myself, if I'm as objective about all this as I can possibly will myself to be, I don't think that friendship is an option.

It's just too difficult.

It's just not worth it.

Because, you see, it's not the same thing as breaking up with a girlfriend. There's never anything to break up. There's never anything but pain and longing and holding things back and letting some things slip out and watching for reactions that aren't there.

It's disappointment. Pure and simple. Forever. And ever. And you try to tell yourself that just having that person in your life is enough for you, and you try to tell yourself that the pain you feel when you're near that person is nothing compared to the pain you feel when you're not near that person, and you try to tell yourself that you can be strong enough to keep the friendship intact.

You lie to yourself.

I lie to myself.

I never fucked her. Not even close.

If I had, then that would have at least been something. That would have been proof that the feelings weren't completely lopsided, that there was something there, simmering between is, something that we both at least tasted. Something that we had in common. Something that we shared. Even if it didn't work out, we would always have the memory of that physical intimacy and all of the emotional intimacy that accompanied it.

We would have at least known that we'd tried.

And that knowledge, that knowledge just might be enough to ease the pain, to lessen the disappointment, to put things into a better perspective.

To make the whole let's still be friends thing a viable plan.

Without that knowledge, without those memories, I don't think a friendship could work.

I hope that I'm wrong. I really fucking hope that I'm wrong.

If all or nothing are the only choices, and if all isn't available, then all that's left is nothing.

UPDATE 04/20/08: I have updated this entry on this date. I removed some of the crudeness, but the main thing that I want to say is that I was indeed wrong. And I'm glad that I was wrong.

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