It's fucking Thursday night already. I haven't written anything since Tuesday morning. I'm a big slacker.
I'm having fun, I guess. How could I not have fun? It is Las Vegas after all. But what I haven't been doing is relaxing. That would be too much to ask for I suppose.
So, I spent the first three days regretting my decision to come here, and I've spent the last two days dreading my return to Indiana.
To the certain uncertainty.
I can already feel it, the fog creeping into my mind. Clouding my judgment and making everything that was so clear to me, for a brief period two days ago, murky and indistinct.
Decisions shouldn't be this tough. Options should be clear. Advantages and disadvantages should be obvious. Pitfalls should be brilliantly illuminated.
I'm rambling here, and I know it.
You know what would be nice?
You know what would be really cool?
If I would feel like I was actually learning something from all this. Something beyond how to live with pain I mean. I've got that figured out. Time to move on.
Another thing that would be cool would be if all of this would somehow turn out to be worth it in the end. If someday I could look back and laugh, or even smile, or at least not want to cry.
It's amazing to me that I haven't given up. That I haven't just raised my middle finger to the world and stopped even trying to get along with other people. So few are worth any effort whatsoever.