This isn't going to make any sense to some of you. Perhaps to most of you. Either deal with it, or not. Like I fucking care.
If you found yourself in my position, you'd subject yourself to these same restraints. I guarantee it.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure that I need a girlfriend now. This is different than the previous 1.3 billion or so seconds of my life, during which I only wanted a girlfriend.
Wants vs. needs have been a big topic for me lately. In my thoughts, and in my writing. I've written about how the needs stay the same, but the wants wander all over the fucking place. I've written about how the needs are facts, but the wants are nothing more than opinions.
I cannot, for example, say that I need her in my life. I cannot say it because it's clearly not true. I've already gone an awfully long time without her, and I'm still here. My fucking heart still beats, marking even more wasted time..
I can't say that I need her in my life. I've already proven otherwise. No matter how painful it's been and no matter how painful it continues to be, she is still just a want for me. Not a need.
I forget where I'm going with this.
I'm pretty sure that, right now, I actually need a girlfriend. Not so that I can live. That would be silly. But maybe I need a girlfriend so I can get some help with something.
See, it's become perfectly clear to me that I cannot do this on my own. I've done everything that I've been able to will myself to do. I've climbed my way out of this damn abyss. Finally. I fell back down more times than I can count, but I kept trying, and I finally made it to safety. In August.
That should have been the hard part. Everything else should be easy. But I can't take that next step. I can't go any further.
I can't turn my back, and I can't walk away.
Imagine, if you will, that you lived at the edge of the Grand Canyon. Imagine what your life would be like. The sights you would see. Imagine having your morning coffee on your deck as you watch the Sun rise over the canyon.
What you imagine, that is my life.
I cannot look away. It's too alluring. Too beautiful. Too dangerous.
I am still, after all these months, mesmerized.
I cannot leave the ledge. Not on my own.
I need help.
I need to move on. I want to move on.
But I need help.
I need to be pulled, kicking and screaming, from here. I need this trance to be broken. I need to be bound, gagged, and blindfolded, and whisked away to another place.
Any other place.
I'm pretty sure that I need a girlfriend.