I think that what's dragging me down is that everything is in transition. I suppose that saying I'm stuck in transition would be an oxymoron, but here I am anyway.

I mean, it was one thing to not know what happened. I got used to that, I suppose. It's been another thing to not know what's going to happen. I deal with that as well as I can, and I do what I can to maybe help steer things in a good direction.

But it's yet another thing to not have the slightest clue what's happening now. I get zero feedback. Am I doing a good job with this? A shitty job? Could I do this one thing a little more often, or this other thing a little less often? Should I just fucking stop altogether, or should I throw caution to the wind?

I look for signs all the time, but my world seems to have gone opaque. I know that things are happening, many of them as a direct result of my own actions and words. But I can't, for the life of me, tell what those things are, or whether they're good things or bad things.

Hmmm.

For the life of me

That's quite telling, right there. That's why this is dragging me down so much. Because the stakes are pretty high. I'm trying to save my own life here, and the patient is non-responsive.