I'm pretty much forcing myself to write something tonight. I don't know what I'll write about. It will probably be boring.
I have a couple of good ideas for entries, but I can't remember what they are. I wrote them in my notebook, though. So I'll eventually get around to them. Maybe.
Today I was supposed to go shopping, but I didn't. All I did was drive around and get pissed at crowds of shoppers and football fans. The latter are the worst, if you ask me. Not that you asked me, but if you had, that would have been my answer.
Anyway, I did something sort of nice yesterday, and it's been ignored. So that bugs me a little. It might bug me a lot except I've had myself a bottle of yummy Left Hand Smoke Jumper (193).
That reminds me. Last night NotHideousGirl asked me how I'd been doing over the eleven gazillion years since we'd last talked. I decided to pretend that she actually cared, and answer her. My answer seemed, at first, to be a load of drivel. But I thought about that answer, today while I was driving around getting pissed at people, and it's making a bit more sense to me now.
What I said was that I was happy for the most part, but that sometimes I was sad. That wasn't the drivel part. The drivel part was when I went on to say that I'd done some sort of weird 180-degree flip. Instead of being a sad person, I was a happy person. Instead of being a sad person who, every now and then, got into a good mood, I was a happy person who was subject to the occasional bouts of sadness.
Wait, that wasn't the drivel part either. The drivel part came next.
What I said was that the contrast between my varying moods seems to be a lot stronger now than it was before. Like, back when I was sad and I experienced happiness, it was noticeable, but nothing spectacular. Except for one time back in May. But now, now that I'm a happy person, those moments of sadness really stand out to me. Affect me. Turn me into an asshole, some might say. Or a dolt, NotHideousGirl might say.
It's contrast, like I said last night. Black spots against a white background vs. white spots against a black background. They should be the same, more or less. But they're not. Not even close.
I have a theory about this. I think that maybe I'm not really happy at all. Maybe I'm just not sad. I hate to use this word, but maybe I'm content. Maybe I'm lying to myself, and recent events have not quite lifted my spirits as much as I've thought.
That would suck, I think. If all I could manage was content. Because, seriously, I don't think things are ever going to get much better than this.
Okay, I guess that answers the question of what I was going to write tonight. I was going to write crap, apparently.