posted by dave on Monday, January 21, 2008 at 1:35 PM in category ramblings

It won't be that bad, this recalibration I may yet have to do. At first, the thought of packing everything that makes me who I am - my thoughts and my feelings, my hopes and my desires - into a sort of a mental time machine, and sending it all back eight months? Well, it was a pretty scary thought.

So I read some of my old entries, from that time. To prepare myself, reintroduce myself with the person I used to be, before.

Wait, before isn't the right word. The right word is during.

During that time, that seemingly endless period that finally ended last May, I seemed to spend almost all of my time digging around inside myself, trying to find some hidden switch that would turn everything off. It was only at the very end that I figured out what should have been clear all along.

On that last night, the night before the night in which during would end, and after would start, I wrote this entry. At the end, I wrote:

I like this feeling of desire and longing. I don't want it to end. I want to want what I want. I don't necessarily want what I want, but I desperately want to want it. Decipher that last sentence, and I think you'll understand me pretty well.
Well, I deciphered it as I was writing it.

I realized, back when during was about to end, that my life wasn't so bad after all. Because I, most definitely, wanted.

It wasn't that bad, during. It wasn't as good as after, but I could go back. It wouldn't kill me.

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