Sometimes I say things or, more rarely, do things. Things that might not be totally selfless. Things that, on the surface at least, aren't obviously bad, but that are still at least a little bit suspect.
Why did he just say that? people might ask.
What does he mean? people might wonder.
What's he doing now? people might question.
I think it's usually subconscious for me, when I do some of the things I do, and say some of the things I say. I mean, I don't
hardly ever intend to do/say these things - they just happen. And then, once they've happened, I'm fucking glad that they did.
I was thinking tonight about certainty.
Some synonyms: assurance, certitude, confidence, conviction, positiveness, surety
Some antonyms: ambiguity, doubt, hesitation, questionableness, tergiversation
It seems to me that we all go through our lives with an almost unbearable amount of uncertainty. Our jobs, our families, our friends, our lovers - none are open books. All harbor secrets or, if not really secrets, at least knowledge that hasn't been uncovered. Questions that haven't been answered or even, in many cases, asked.
Will this last?
What does that mean?
Have I blown it?
What just happened?
Sometimes, I do things or say things. Things that, I hope, either reduce or, ideally, eliminate uncertainty about the way that I feel. And why I feel the way that I feel. About the way that I intend and expect to always feel, forever and ever.
Purposeful or not, intentional or not, planned or not, these things that I sometimes do and say - they all have at their core the one thing that's the most important to me as I struggle to keep my head above water through these turbulent times.
They are all the absolute truth.
If, for example, I say that I always want to see a certain person then that's exactly what it means. There's no ambiguity in the word always. It means what it means, Weird and unsettling as it may be, it's still the absolute truth. It's still a certainty.
I've spent so much time without any certainty about the things that are most important to me. I hate hate hate fucking hate the thought of some people being uncertain as to my intentions, or my feelings, or my motives.
I fucking hate that thought. So sometimes I say things, and sometimes I do things. Things that just might help to clarify things, to answer some of those nagging yet unasked questions.
In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm in a weird mood. I can thank New Holland Night Tripper (68) for this mood.