I think I must have said that word to myself a million times today. I'll probably say it a million more times tomorrow, and again the next day, and again the next day.
I need a new thesaurus, I think.
So I just went back and reread a bunch of my old drivel. To see how I dealt with situations like this in the past. I knew what I was expecting to find. Anger. Sadness. Disbelief. More sadness.
I didn't even remember writing the bullshit that I found, but the vast majority of what I found consisted of bullshit piled atop more bullshit.
I was such a fucking liar, back then. I lied to myself every time I wrote that bullshit. Which was a fucking lot, as I just discovered.
And now I wish that I was still a liar. A good one, a convincing one.
So that I might tell myself the bullshit again, and believe it, and maybe even actually get some sleep.