One day last week I was emailing HatGirl back and forth about wine and such. I'm buying the wine for her wedding reception. Because I'm a nice guy, at least when people are deserving of my niceness, which is rare these days, but HatGirl is special.

Anyway, HatGirl said something or other about how to thank me for the wine. My thought was, It's her flipping wedding. I get to see her at her absolute happiest. That's thanks enough for a lifetime.

So I told her as much. But I also told her that, "Actually, you can thank me by letting me dance with the bride at the reception."

Pretty much the greatest idea in history, right?

That's what I thought.

In fact, there are only two things wrong with the idea.

My two left feet.

I can't dance. Not at all, and certainly not the type of dancing I expect to see at wedding receptions.

I guess I picture LuckyFucker and HatGirl dancing for a bit, then probably HatGirl's dad cuts in, then maybe I cut in. And it's that semi-formal kind of dancing that you see in the movies. My right hand on HatGirl's waist, my left hand in her right hand. And we do something with our feet, though I haven't a clue as to what that might me. Move them, maybe? Take some steps, perhaps? And I think there's this thing called "rhythm" that we're supposed to pay attention to.

So I've been asking around. Surely I must know some girl who (a) can dance and (b) is willing to teach me.

Nope.

As of this writing, zero girls will admit to knowing how to dance this kind of dance. Only FirstGirl would admit to any dancing talent at all, and she seemed much more interested in teaching me to Tango or Cha-Cha.

I guess I've still got some time. Maybe I can take some professional lessons. Or find me some gay guy to teach me. I think they're all born with the ability or something.

I guess the only thing I know for sure is that nobody should expect to see me cutting any rugs or getting jiggy with anything. I'm pretty sure those things are beyond my abilities, and I know for an absolute fact that I wouldn't be doing that kind of dancing anyway. There's not that much alcohol on Earth. You may as well expect me to sing karaoke.