So I had that thought dangling from my brain. When I finally dislodged it, I sat down here to write an entry about it.
But, as it turns out, I've already written the entry. Over three years ago. Oops.
I was wrong about being okay, when I first wrote this entry. I might be wrong again this time - the bruising is much more severe, after all. Time will tell.
The other night, I drank a bottle of yummy Alaskan Smoked Porter and wrote a bunch of snippets of boring crap. One of those snippets was this:
I think about a couple of my friends who've recently started reading my 'blog. I try to keep things light for them - but not too light. I want to come off as neither a lunatic nor as a child. This is easier said than done. Especially when I'm both. I want to come off as insightful at times, and as brilliant at others. This is easier said than done. Especially when I'm neither.I'm thinking that this is probably worth its own entry, so I'm going to give it one.
We'll see if I can write anything coherent without alcohol in my bloodstream. I have my doubts.
The problem is, I don't seem to be able to write anything that's either interesting or well-written unless that writing comes from my heart. My emotions are the source of everything I've ever written that I considered readable.
Because of this, I tend to stick with those same emotional topics and rehash them to death. Beat that dead horse into bloody pulp.
So someone new to my 'blog comes along, reads some of my drivel, and makes conclusions based on it.
Conclusions that are often less than accurate. Or at least not timely.
SCRIBBLERESQUE PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: This is the third time I've restarted this entry. I know what I want to write, but I'm having a hard time deciding how to write it.
But what are people supposed to think about me, when they read my 'blog?
Read something from the Fall of 2003, and you'll be so bored that you'll never read anything by me again. You'll probably volunteer for a lobotomy to prevent accidentally reading something I've written.
Read some of the later stuff, and you'll feel a little sorry for me. You'll think my writing is insane, and obsessive, and overly dramatic, but some of what I write is at least interesting and/or well-written and/or entertaining.
But what are you supposed to think about me?
I read back through my old entries, and there is of course one theme that keeps popping up. That fucking dead horse. I write about it because it's what I know, and it's what I feel, and it's - I guess comfortable would be a good word.
But it's not me. Not anymore. Not, at least, to anywhere near the extent that it used to be. That's what I want people to think about me when they read my 'blog:
I'm okay. Or I will be.
I get better all the time. Every day I wake up with a little less pain, and every night I go to sleep with a little less feeling that the day was wasted because she didn't share it with me.
I think I'm what you might call emotionally bruised.
But that bruise is fading.
So what should people think about me, when they read my 'blog?
I'd like people to think that I'm a person, a human being, just as capable of pain, or passion, or selfishness, or friendship, or stupidity, as anyone else. I'd like people to not be afraid of me, or of hurting my feelings. I'd like people to know that they don't need to tiptoe around me. That I'm stronger than I seem.
I'd like people to understand that there are some things about me that they may never understand, because I don't even understand them myself.
But that's okay, and so am I.