I'm looking at these lines from a post I did a couple of months ago.
I lived in a place of hope, and dreams, and love. But it was all a lie.Perhaps I'm just being incredibly stubborn and afraid.
I worry about the things I'll write when I feel like I have nothing left to lose. I wonder why I don't feel that way already. Perhaps there are still lies waiting to crumble.
I fear the vacuum, I really do. It was never there before. There was always something before, whether it was false or not, it was something.
Now, not so much.
First, the walls crumbled. That was bad enough. But now all of the air is being sucked away.
Isn't the point of living about having something you care about, that is important to you? Isn't it about having something left to lose?
If there is truly nothing left to lose, then what's the fucking point of living at all?
The other night I was thinking about fate. I've written before that I don't believe in fate, but then I also wrote this:
This series of events and emotions that was set into motion all those years ago, there is a reason. I just don't know what that reason is. Perhaps its purpose is to destroy me.I guess I was probably about 12 years old when I started noticing that girls were more than cootie-factories. That's maybe 12,000 days ago.
So far, so good.
I'd also guess that, on each one of those 12,000 days, I probably saw a pretty girl, or two, or three. On some days I saw the same girl(s) I'd already seen, and on some days I saw someone new.
So, maybe 12,000 different pretty girls that I've seen in my live.
And out of all those times, this happened once? When I saw her?
What the fuck?
Approximately 2,146 days ago, 2,146 girls ago, in the span of about two seconds, my entire life changed. It has never been the same since, and it will never be the same again. No matter what else happens, I will never be the same again.
I don't believe in fate. I think that fate is a silly concept, and that it implies things that I find unacceptable about the uselessness of life. I think that people use the concept of fate as a crutch, as an excuse for not having things turn out the way that they wanted, or as feeble justification for doing things that would otherwise have no justification at all except for stupidity.
I don't believe in fate, but I really want to know why that happened, approximately 2,146 days ago.