Tonight I don't know what it was that woke me up. Another damn dream, I imagine, but I don't know for sure. Maybe a mouse farted - sometimes that's all it takes. And, once I wake up, that's it. A thought or a series of thoughts gets into my head, and it gets into my soul, and it grabs and it twists.
As I once wrote:
I seem to be spending a lot of time looking at old entries tonight. I do this because (a) I know that there are things that I want to say that I've already said, and (b) I'm lazy. This is from the same entry, written almost a year ago:
Today, it's neither the pain of the past nor the agony of the present hammering away at my mood. Nope, today it's the future, of all things, that torments my thoughts.
The thing about the future is that I'm not really sure there's going to be one.
I don't think it would come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. I'm in a fucked-up situation these days.That was last September, and it almost seems fresh tonight. It almost seems true tonight.
I spend an inordinate amount of my time looking for, I dunno, something.
For what exactly, I can't say, because I don't know what it is. I think that I might be looking for what's left. Something that survived that terrible flood. A recognizable chuck of debris on the bank, perhaps. Just something to remind me, though I could never forget.
The rest of the time, I wait.
For what? Again, I don't know. I don't know what it is, but I'm waiting for it right now.
Back then, I survived that flood, and I found what I was looking for. I found much much more than I thought I'd find, and I was actually happy, for a long time. Me, of all people.
But then a new flood came. A more terrible flood. And this one is still flowing, rushing, ripping.
Last year, I was knocked to my feet, and I stood up, and I was knocked down again. And again. And again.
This time, there's no sense in trying to stand. There is no ground anywhere beneath my feet.
This time I'm trying to stay afloat.