I can't help but wonder. Just like you, my dear readers, can't help but wonder.
So what if we wonder about different things? We're still in this boat together, in a way. There is a difference, though. You can always jump ship, but I cannot. I'm the fucking captain, for better or for worse. I'll go down with this ship, or I'll keep it afloat and bring it into port. Time will tell, I guess.
I mean, you wonder about how long I can keep writing about the same old thing, the same old crap.
I, meanwhile, wonder about other things.
Like, tonight, exactly who am I even writing about?
The lying bitch who used me and then tossed me aside? Or maybe the sweet girl who felt genuine affection for me, only to have it evaporate before it could solidify? Was I a victim of indescribable cruelty, or were we victims of timing?
I wish that I knew. I really do. It would/should/could make all the difference in the world. To walk, or to run, or perhaps to stand my ground, at least a little longer...
I don't even write here anymore. Not because I don't need to write, or even because I don't want to write. I don't write because, what would I say? What good would it do? What would be the point?
I constantly look for the words to say to make everything right. I've been looking for so long. I'm convinced that the words exist. Such is my delusion, perhaps, but also such is my salvation.
I'm still met with disbelief, after all this time - and I meet it with my own disbelief.
Excuses after excuses, but never a reason.
Did I need a reason?
So why should I expect one in return?
Answer: I shouldn't.
But, I do.
Something that I can believe. Something that's not clearly made-up bullshit. Something that's more than just an excuse.