I know I know, things change all the time. What I say one day might not be truth on the next day. But, this is my journal, and I'm going to make use of it.

This is what is true today and this is what's been eating at me.

I fucked up. I've managed to lose the two most important people in my life. One was my best friend, and the other was most definitely not a friend but she was something. Something both above and below friendship. I truly fear that I'll never hear from either of them again, and quite frankly that's probably the fate that I deserve.

And just because the loss of one of these people might have been overdue and necessary and perhaps even desired, that doesn't lessen the sting at all. Losing her stings like a bitch, and the only thing that's keeping me somewhat afloat is the feeling that this will be the last time I have to go through this.

Because there will never be another like her. I won't let that happen.

And the other one I've lost? My true and faithful friend? Well, my brain just cannot process that particular loss. Every time I try to think about losing her it's like a safety valve somewhere in my head snaps shut.

What's true today may not be true tomorrow, but today the truth is that I feel more alone than I ever have before, and it's my own fucking fault.