bewildered
-adjective
1. completely puzzled or confused; perplexed.

That's the best word I can come up with for what I feel when I think about this.

It's just so damn, damn bewildering.

My "crimes" as far as I can tell, have been to (a) get excited about seeing my friend, and then (b) become disappointed when I don't get to see her.

You know what? I can deal with it. I feel bad that she can't, and I feel sad that she won't, and I even feel a little mad about being dismissed like this.

But, mostly, I just feel bewildered.

Now, I absolutely don't want to sound like I'm not accepting blame here. Because I am. I definitely fucked up. I just don't think I fucked up enough to lose my best friend.