Fine.

I've waited long enough.

My voicemails and emails have sat unanswered for almost two weeks. I said that I would not try again, and I haven't. The ball's in your court, but you're not there to pick it up.

Fine. I'll play by myself for a while. Maybe even play with myself for a while.

Ha ha ha.

I think the thing that shocked me the most about the way you left is that, at first, it seemed that you must not have a very high opinion of me as a person. For what you asked me to do was something that only a complete asshole would do. Surely, I thought, surely you knew me better than that.

But the more I've thought about it, the more I've come to realize that it's not my character that you've misjudged - it's my intelligence.

You think I'm fucking stupid, don't you?

Well, I'm not.

Sure, it took me a few days, but I did figure it out.

You asked me to prove my feelings for you, but the proof that you demanded was impossible. And you knew it.

Why would you do that? Why would you issue an ultimatum that could never be satisfied?

It's simple, really.

You asked me for the impossible because you knew that my refusal would give you an excuse. An excuse to walk away. An excuse to keep the blame for our failures on me. An excuse behind which you could hide your own fears and insecurities.

It was a good plan. If you're twelve years old.

I'd take a bullet for you, but I will not shoot an innocent person. You knew that all along.

Look, I know all about fear and insecurity. I've pretty much mastered them both over the past couple of years. So I understand the things that race through your head. You waited for so long for me to say those words to you. You were surprised. You were skeptical and you were afraid.

I don't blame you a bit for your concerns.

I just wish you'd have told me, instead of playing this stupid game. I thought we were better than stupid games.

I got this stupid premonition in my head last night, and slept fitfully because of it. Just one of those things that would be pretty cool if it happened, but it's so unlikely that I could never be disappointed if it doesn't happen.

That's the best kind of premonition, I think.

---

I dreamed about a pretty good movie with C. Thomas Howell and Jennifer Aniston. The theme song of the movie was a country song, and in the dream it was one of the best songs ever. Now I'm sitting here at my desk with the song running through my head, and I realize that it's one of the stupidest songs ever. Still can't get the fucker out of my head though.

---

I also dreamed about how I was working with some cops on some case or other, and there were pod people involved. They blew up part of a building to cover up the fact that MixedSignalGirl's mother had been replaced by a pod person. Then I had to put her cat in her car so I wouldn't have to carry it around while I searched the rubble for evidence. And later some bitch wouldn't let me back into the parking garage because I didn't have a pass. After I told her about Puddles being in the car she was nicer about it, but she still wouldn't let me in.

It was all very intense and dramatic. The whole thing had something to do with these transistors that had been used on a certain type of computer cabling back in the 1970s. The same transistors, it turned out, had also been used in these doohickeys that attached to soda cans to keep them cold.

Damn pod people. I hate them so much.

---

I was hung-over all day yesterday, so I didn't do anything but work and watch TV.

---

There's a chance that the Rogue Chocolate Stout and the Rogue Smoke will be on at DaveFest tonight. I'm afraid to ask though because it'll put me in a bad mood if they're not available yet.

Writing was effortless, when I was insane. I could sit here, late at night, relax just a little bit, and words would start flying onto the screen.

Writing was easy.

Living was the hard part. Breathing seemed like such a simple thing to do until I ran out of reasons to do it.

Ugh.

How, I wonder, do you get a hangover without being drunk the night before?

I dunno, but I seem to have stumbled upon the secret.

Too bad I still don't have a clue what that secret might be. Maybe when the cobwebs clear out of my head.

Anyway, last night the DaveFest t-shirts were to be delivered, so I made a rare Wednesday night appearance at Rich O's, arriving at 7:00.

Some stranger was eating in the living room area, so I sat at the island and had myself a Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier (1021). After a short while, some old lady showed up and sat across from me. I decided that the lesser of two evils was the eating guy, so I picked up my shit and moved to the loveseat.

TShirtDude arrived at about 7:45 with my shirts.

Yay!

I put one on almost immediately, then I sold one almost immediately to one of the PBDs sitting at the bar. I'd kinda been hoping that HatGirl would buy the first one, but we don't always get what we want.

HatGirl (yay!) did come in a little after 8:00 to drink a beer and buy a shirt. It's always nice to see HatGirl, but seeing her wearing a DaveFest shirt was positively sublime.

My second beer was a Piraat (165).

Let's see, I also hung a shirt on the wall so people would know they're for sale:

After HatGirl left the place got really boring really quickly, but I stuck around anyway and had a couple of Newcastles (2100) and talked to TShirtDude and some guy from some website for a while.

And tonight I get to do it all over again, except I think I'll skip the Piraat.

Ugh.

I wish we were still friends.

I'd mail her a t-shirt.

She would like it.

If we were still friends.

The DaveFest T-Shirts will be available tomorrow!

Yay!

Please buy one. Here's what's on the front:

And then on the back is a list of all the DaveFest beers.

Because these are arriving almost a week later than was originally planned, I'm not expecting them to sell nearly as well as I'd hoped.

Again, please buy one. I'm selling them at cost (rounded up to the nearest dollar) and for Internet orders I'll pay shipping.

So, small, medium, large, and extra-large are going for $10.00. Size XXL is $11.00, and size XXXL is $12.00.

Fuck, I'll even sign the thing if you want.

For every shirt that doesn't get sold, I figure that will equal one day that I'll have to eat dirt to help make up for what I'm spending on these things.

I don't like to eat dirt, so please buy a shirt.

There, I even wrote you a poem.

Slept from 8:30 'til 5:30. I don't think I missed anything.

I guess I'm going to Chicago for a day or two in July. Some email archiving thingy. No baseball during that trip unless I stay an extra night. I probably won't make that decision for a while. First I have to decide if I'm going to drive or fly up there.

Man I'm bored.

This has been discussed, and approved.

From now on, SassyGirl's girlfriend TacoBell will be referred to in this journal as JauntyGirl.

That is all.

There used to be a lot more lightning bugs.

What I was a kid, there'd be hundreds, thousands of them. They filled my front yard like the stars filled the sky. My sister and I would go out into the yard on the warm Summer nights and it seemed that all we had to do was wave our jars around to catch as many as we wanted. And, if we missed one, there were plenty more for us to chase.

There used to be so many of the things.

I wonder where they all went.

Life provides its own metaphors.