posted by dave on Saturday, July 24, 2004 at 3:30 AM in category daily, drink, ramblings

1. That which opposes, stands in the way of, or holds up progress.

a. The act of hindering.
b. The condition of being hindered.
2. That which hinders; an impedenance.

Friday was a strange night. All the way home from Rich O's I tried to figure out what made it so different from all the other nights I've spent there.

I figured it out.

I ended the night in a good mood.

It took me a while to figure this out because it was such an unusual feeling for me.

The night was, despite factors that could have caused stress, quite relaxing.

So anyway, first off I got to Rich O's very early. I'd left home at 7:30 hoping to catch VigilanteGirl at work, but alas she wasn't there so I got to Rich O's well before 8:00.

I did no experimentation with beer, prefering to stick with my regular indulgences. I had two NABC Beak's Bests, an Alaskan Smoked Porter, and a Guiness, in that order.

Keeping me company tonight were LaptopGirl, CoffeeDude, TallLady, and GrammarNazi and her husband.

For most of the night LaptopGirl and I talked about various fluff that I'd rather not broadcast to the world.

That brings up a good point.

I write this thing for myself - not for anyone else.

Because I write for myself I think I should write mostly ABOUT myself and what's going on with me and in my head.

At times, just to keep things in context, I need to mention things that are going on with my friends, but lately I've been feeling a little guilty whenever I do that.

I mean, it's not the world's business that one friend of mine is getting a divorce. It's also not anyone's business that another friend is contemplating a move, or is in trouble at work.

As I get to know these people better I get a desire to protect their privacy that I didn't feel before. Making up nicknames for the people I write about can only go so far, and lately I've felt the need to go a little farther - to be less candid and less specific in my entries.

All of this new secrecy can make for some pretty boring entries I know, but since the only intended audience is myself I'll try to deal with it.

Back to Friday, such as it was.

LaptopGirl and I spent most of the night sitting in the living room area with the other aforementioned regulars. I got a strange vibe from LaptopGirl that was difficult to identify. Once I did identify it I was quite pleasantly surprised.

I mattered to her.

It amazes me how much that little realization meant to me - and how much it still does. I've spent so much time these past several months waiting for the inevitable InvisibityFactor to kick in that to realize that tonight it wouldn't come was like a kick in the teeth.

In a good way though.

At some point during the recent past I seem to have been promoted, in LaptopGirl's mind, from mere acqaintance to friend.

That word, "friend," can often be a bummer. Guys get placed into the "friend zone" and there's no escape - no matter what the guy may actually want.

This time I'm actually okay with it. I'd absolutely rather be in the friend zone than the acqaintance zone. Any higher promotions would be fraught with peril and I know it.

Would it be worth the risk? Perhaps.

Do I expect that opportunity? Not at all. And I'm okay with that.

I'm 39 years old. I've been through a spectacularly failed marriage, and a handful of other serious relationships, none of which have worked out.

This is quite weird to be writing this, but nobody in my life - not my ex-wife, any of my old girlfriends, or any of the women I've had crushes on - have ever occupied my thoughts the way LaptopGirl does.

Something about her just fascinates me, and I catch myself thinking about her several times each day.

Not all of these thoughts are good ones. I've become quite perturbed by the InvisibilityFactor several times. Some of her opinions are so different from my own that I think we must be from different planets. Her not recognizing my voice on the phone last weekend bothered me much more than I'd have thought it would.

It's very strange. I've had crushes before, but they've all had at least some element of hope. In this case I've never had any indication whatsoever that there could ever be the slightest interest in me.

But I don't care.

This fascination, not quite a romantic one, not quite a platonic one, has kept my mind more occupied than it's been for a long long time.

I'm writing this entry on a Friday night - actually early Saturday morning - and I've suddenly become timid. I found out tonight that LaptopGirl has indeed checked out my 'blog, so there's a decent chance that she'll read this entry as well.

Perhaps I should delete it.

Don't want to scare her off after all - to make her think I'm some kind of stalker or something.

But that's the thing; there's nothing to be scared off from. I'm really content with the way things are. I'm not scheming for anything more.

That just blows my mind.

How could I meet such a beautiful and intelligent woman and NOT want more?

Perhaps it's because I've been hurt several times in the past. Perhaps it's things like the InvisibilityFactor. Perhaps I just know better than to try to become involved with someone so different from me.

Perhaps I'm just kidding myself and I don't know what I want at all.

I don't know, but I'll keep enjoying the ride while it lasts.

post a comment

If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.

I'll pretty much approve anything except SPAM comments, or comments that clearly have no purpose except to piss me off, or comments that are insulting to a previous commenter.

Use anything you want for your name and email address. I think it has to at least look like a valid email address though.

mysterious gray box mysterious blue box mysterious red box mysterious green box mysterious gold box

search main 'blog





Search word(s)
   help me!

blog favorites

the convenience of grief
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
nothing personal
the one
dream sweet dreams for me
the willow bends and so do i
on bloodied ground
lack of inertia
thinning the herd
or maybe not
here's looking at you
what i miss
who wants to play?
feverish thoughts
the devil inside?
my cat ate my homework
don't say i didn't warn you
my god, it's full of stars
hold on a second, koko, i'm writing something
you know?
apples and oranges
happy new year
pissing on the inside
remembering dad

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.