dra-ma
n.
1. The quality or condition of being dramatic.
re-al-i-za-tion
n.
1. The act of realizing or the condition of being realized.
vul-ner-a-ble
adj.
1. Susceptible to injury.
out-gun
v.
1. To overwhelm or defeat.
shit
n.
1. Something considered disgusting, or poor quality, foolish, or otherwise totally unacceptable.
re-treat
n.
1. The act or process of withdrawing, especially from something hazardous, formidable, or unpleasant.
2. A place affording peace, quiet, privacy, or security.
3. A period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude.
in-ev-i-ta-ble
adj.
1. Impossible to avoid or prevent.
My beer selection tonight was fairly tame: two Belhaven's and two Piraats.
Other than that I spent some time with LaptopGirl, NotGeorge, CoffeeDude, and MisunderstoodGirl, talking about kites and paper and stuff.
None of that is relevant though.
What is relevant is that drama is inevitable, and I have chosen to do what I can to limit that drama to myself.
Man it sucks that my entries have seemed so tortured lately.
Things are not really as bad as a quick reading of my 'blog would make them seem. I'm actually more shocked than anything else. I really didn't expect to be in this situation ever again.
If I had to pick a single word to describe the last three months: fascinating.
If I had to pick a word to describe the last two days: overwhelming.
All that talk about balance and road trips and serial killers was simply an attempt to solidify my resolve. To remind myself that sometimes the right thing is not the easy thing.
Sometimes it's pretty damn tough.
I've been though this before actually. A long time ago in Omaha I found myself struggling with nearly the same situation. At that time I was able to make a clean break, to get the hell out before things progressed to their inevitable conclusion: Drama and pain.
This time around I cannot simply pack up and move to Seattle. I can, however, still do what's right. I cannot change the past, but I can prevent at least a small part of this particular future.
My friends at Rich O's will either understand or they won't - I can't even explain my actions without making things worse. Not that anyone would believe me anyway.
Everything that was wrong is now right. Everything that was right is now impossible. Nobody is more surprised than I am, because that which I've been fighting and denying, and which everyone else has been assuming and awaiting, is actually coming to pass. Despite my best intentions, I'm human after all.
This really blows.
For the better part of a decade I was content. Not over-the-top happy, but content.
Now that contentedness has given way to this terrible blend of vulnerability and uncertainty and shock, and I don't like it one bit.
I'll say it again, this really blows.
(I've edited the hell out of this entry, trying to make it a litle less gloomy. I've had little success though, because it is a gloomy subject after all.)
