posted by dave on Monday, September 19, 2005 at 4:54 AM in category ramblings

(If you don't know what all this gorilla shit is about, you're not reading enough. You could go here and get some background if you're bored enough.)

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually miss the wretched thing.

That battle of wills that Koko and I waged for months, even though all I ever seemed to do was complain about it, it at least gave me something to do. Something to think about and something to care about.

It turned out to be a much bigger part of who I was than I'd figured. A huge part in fact. I should have known that. Having a fucking gorilla for a manifestation instead of, say, a gerbil or a fuzzy bunny rabbit or some such - that should really have warned me. This was a BIG deal, and it would be a tough fight that I wasn't guaranteed to win. There was no way to know who would emerge victorious from the battle for my identity.

It was too fucking close.

I mean, I always knew that I was being referred to as that guy with the gorilla, but what I didn't realize was just how much of me was defined by its presence. It never quite took over completely, but it came awfully close at times, and each time we locked horns a little bit more of who I was transferred over to it.

Then one night a couple of months ago, it finally gave up and left. Problem is, it left in such a hurry that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. It left in such a hurry that it forgot to give me back what it had taken from me.

I spent about a week being relieved about finally being alone again, then, when the relief faded, I saw just how little of me there was left.

I started to drift. And while my feet have managed to touch ground a couple of times, I've bounced quickly. Or maybe jumped. I don't know. Or care. And that's the root of the problem. I certainly used to care, about one thing mainly, but some of that spilled over to other things. I was almost like a real person. Caring about stuff and shit.

But I ramble.

And another thing. When you're accompanied everywhere by a gorilla, there's really no explanation necessary. Or possible. Some things just are and they'll resist all attempts to explain and excuse them. People, myself included, would see the gorilla and know immediately that to question its presence would be fruitless. It was just there.

Now it's not there and I no longer have an excuse for not seeking the answers to the questions that have plagued me. I no longer have a distraction that consumes me and keeps me busy fighting it while other, less powerful manifestations watch from the sidelines.

Koko is gone, and now I've got all these little fuckers entrenching themselves like maggots in my guts. Just making themselves at home. Each one represents a question that needs to be answered before all of this will be over. And I'll have to address each one of them on my own, when I find the time, because people see me without Koko and they assume that I'm back to normal. They try to *gasp* talk to me and shit. They cannot see what's happening inside me.

At least with the gorilla it was obvious to everyone that I was insane.

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