The bartender just dug a pen out of her purse for me. She must want it up the ass. Not the pen though. Or maybe the pen. I dunno, but I bet she wants something up the ass.
I'm sitting at the Hooter's in Clarksville, having just dropped my truck off at the nearby Toyota dealer. They're having a recall so they can replace some steering doohickey. Apparently, these doohickeys are prone to breakage and causing hilarity on the highways. Yikes! I'm also going to get my A/C fixed in the thing.
Oh yeah, I'm having a yummy Newcastle (1848) and it's yummy. So take that, Roger!
I was sitting here thinking about, wondering about actually, what would have happened if I'd taken the advice of so many people and just went for it. Or, "Whipped it out," as it was more often suggested.
I don't know why I was wondering about this. I already know what would have happened. I've known all along. Even when it was still easy to know, even then I knew there was no future for us.
A couple of weeks. Maybe a month. Maybe a little longer because I'm stubborn and because she's so incredibly fucking beautiful and wonderful, but that would be all.
I'm having another Newcastle (1860) now.
Where was I?
Oh yeah. Nowhere.
I'm just killing time here.
I continue to be astonished by the fact that I'm still alive. That this news didn't kill me. In many ways, I'm more perplexed and surprised now that I was back when all this shit started. Oh, back then that took me by surprise, sure, but since then I'd begun to think that I'd gotten to know myself fairly well. Well enough to know the difference between that which would completely devastate me and that which I'd simply shrug off.
Well, I was wrong. Again.
I'm thinking about having that engraved on my tombstone. Like this:
Anyway, to jump back to the beginning of this sorry excuse for an entry, there was never any real possibility for a future between us. My brain has always known this, but it took time for my heart to finally shut the fuck up long enough that my brain could be heard.
You know what I wish?
Of course you do. You have my entire journal memorized. Plus, you can read my mind.
(to be continued)
