What a boring person I've become.

Whether it's shock or denial or a combination of the two, my mind seems to have shut itself down.

This is a good thing if I want to sleep, and it's certainly allowing me to do that lately. This is also a good thing for my readers if they want to sleep, for if there is anything more likely to cause drowsiness than reading about another person's boring life and mundane thoughts - I don't know what it would be.

I feel like there must be something here inside my head that, if I could only get a good enough grip on it, I could force it to generate some passion within me. Then I could let some of that passion spill out onto this keyboard.

There must must be something in here.

Today, I went shopping for booze. This is an annual event in which I spend a lot of money, on things that I will never drink, simply because my company expects it of me. So now I've got even more wine and whisky and whiskey and vodka to place alongside all of the bottles that I've bought in previous years. My liquor cabinet overflowed last year - bottles are now starting to crowd onto my kitchen counter. My freezer is filling up with flavored vodka.

I try to give it away to friends and family, but I don't have a lot of either, and most of the people I know are beer drinkers anyway.

I could throw the fuck all of parties, but since I don't like people that much, I doubt that I'll be doing that anytime soon. Or ever.

My fridge is also filling up with beer. Like today I bought myself a six-pack each of Bell's Kalamazoo Stout and Upland Chocolate Stout. Six months ago I never drank at home, but I've picked up that habit lately I suppose. Mostly in an attempt to stir my creative juices. I gotta watch that shit though. I gotta remember where I came from. What my parents were.

After the booze shopping I stopped by Rich O's and had myself a glass of Spezial Rauchbier Lager (1130) which started being promised in January I think but only just now showed up on tap. It was yummy.

Once I got home I went to sleep and slept for nine hours.

I dreamed that I missed a certain person, and I was so happy to be feeling anything again, but then I remembered that I'm not allowed to miss that person anymore. So I dreamed that I missed someone else until the same realization put an end to that as well.

So, apparently, I'm not allowing myself to feel anything at all, not even in my dreams.

How messed up is that?