I didn't write this. I found it on the internet:

An old Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, "A battle is raging inside me ... it is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The old man fixed the children with a firm stare. "This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee replied: "The one you feed."

I remember this one time, not too long ago, that my friend RockGirl was glaring at her phone, and it rang.

It actually rang!

I begged and pleaded for her to give me her secret glaring method, so that I might enjoy the same success.

But, unfortunately, she didn't remember what it was she had done differently.

The moral of this story is to videotape your life so you have a record of everything you ever do.

Once there was this guy. He really liked this girl, and he invited this girl do to everything with him. I mean everything.

Also, there was this other guy and this other girl. They'd been married for twenty-five years.

The moral of this story is that somewhere, between taking a shit and going on a cruise, there is a sweet spot. One at which invitations are perfectly acceptable and perhaps even expected. Maybe even welcomed.

But I'll be damned if I have any idea what that sweet spot might me. It's there somewhere, though.

Anyway, I think I'm going to Covington now. By myself.

One time this guy was at the gas station, and he ran into a girl he'd dated a long time ago. The girl tried to talk to him, but the guy was totally disgusted by the girl's painted-on eyebrows, so he went home instead of talking.

The moral of this story is that having a great ass doesn't make up for being a total weirdo.

First, back a long time ago, my aunt and uncle, even at the time older than sin and dirt respectively, surprised everyone by having another child - my youngest cousin.

Yesterday I went to Long John Silver's to grab some lunch and get some to reheat later.

While I waited for my order to be filled, I saw a girl young woman sitting in a booth with a boy who was somewhere between six and ten years old.

That young woman was the aforementioned cousin, the baby of my generation. I assumed that the child with her was her son.

I hate it when kids do that annoying thing where they keep growing all the time as part of their evil plan to make me feel old. I hate it even more when that plan works.

The moral of this story is that Long John Silver's has yummy food, but that trying to reheat it later becomes an adventure in soggy mediocrity.

I had a semi-interesting conversation last night.

The gist of it was, Blah blah blah feelings blah blah. Blah blah you want more blah blah blah.

I think I'm lucky that I was in a somewhat somber mood. Lucky that I didn't start laughing at the absurdity of the implication that this latest round of bullshit had been caused by yet another unwarranted assumption.

So, instead of laughing, I just repeated the same things that I'd already said, on at least three different occasions, spread out over at least a year and a half. I kept my face straight, so that the honesty written thereon might be more readily easily recognized.

The moral of this story is that sometimes some people only hear what they expect to hear, see what they expect to see, discover what they expect to discover, encounter what....

Well, you probably get my meaning.

Was it what you expected?

Fine, I'll admit it.

I'm a little bit miffed right now.

At myself.

For managing to be surprised at what's shown itself to be an unvarying pattern.

Maybe I should have this fable tattooed onto my chest.

This is something I've been thinking about for a while. Months, even. I've known that it was a subject worthy of an entry, but I just haven't been able to figure out how to tackle it.

This will be my final attempt. I'll either post whatever I come up with, or I'll forget the idea entirely.

Maybe some things just aren't meant to be entry topics.

Anyway, here goes.

---

Imagine a couple of people in a bar at 6:00. Go ahead and imagine a guy and a girl, if you would. It will make things easier.

In your mind, please also position the guy and the girl so that they're in each other's lines of sight. But they're not sitting together. Maybe they're at opposite ends of the room. But they can still see each other.

They each order a beer. Maybe an Upland Wheat for him, and a Guinness for her. Something fairly tame for each of them, but not the same beer. That would give them something in common, and that would just complicate things.

The guy sees the girl drinking her Guinness, and he wonders about her. He wonders if she knows that Guinness has one of the lowest alcohol percentages around, so maybe that's why she's drinking it. Maybe she has to work in the morning, so she's taking it easy. Or maybe she genuinely likes the taste of Guinness. Or maybe it's the only "exotic" beer that she's heard of, and she's a little afraid to try anything more adventurous. Or maybe she's intrigued by the Guinness Advertisements she's seen. Or maybe she's planning to be in the bar for a long time, so she's pacing herself. Or maybe she's going somewhere else later, and this beer is just something to drink while she waits for her friends to come and get her.

Across the room, the girl sees the guy, too. She sees him drinking his beer at 6:00, and she decides that he is an alcoholic and that she's repulsed by him.

At 7:00, the guy drains the last of his beer and moves behind the bar. His shift is starting. He'd heard that there might be something wrong with the Upland, but it tasted fine to him.

The girl pays her tab, barely concealing the look of disgust on her face. She wonders how the bar owner could have such an obvious alcoholic working for him. Then she decides that it's because the owner is an alcoholic, too.

---

Another venue this time. Let's make it a fancy restaurant. Different guy, different girl. They've been dating for a long time. They're having dinner.

Once the waiter has taken their orders, he leaves, and they sit in silence.

The guy looks at the girl, and he wonders why she's so quiet. He wonders if she's angry at him. Or maybe she's had a bad time at work. Or maybe she's contemplating an affair, or maybe already having one. He wonders if she's going to break up with him. He wonders why. He wonders how she'll answer him, if he ever gets around to asking. He wonders if he's just being paranoid - if maybe her silence has nothing to do with him. He replays the last several weeks in his head, trying to figure out if there's a problem or not. He wants tonight to be perfect, and he nervously taps his jacket pocket.

The girl looks at the guy, and decides that his silence is because he's cheating on her with that pretty blonde at his work, and that she hates him.

Finally, the guy breaks the silence. "Are you okay?" he asks. "You seem really quiet tonight."

"I'm fine," she answers. "There just wasn't anything to say."

"Okay," the guy says. He stands up shakily.

"Maybe this will give us something to talk about," he offers. Visibly shaking, he lowers himself to one knee and brings the box from his pocket.

"Sweetie," he croaks. "You are the love of my life. And I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you've made me these past several months. Will you marry me?"

The girl is shocked.

"Why don't you ask your other girlfriend to marry you?" she demands.

And she gets up and walks out.

---

The moral of each of these stories is that people who jump to conclusions suck.

The other moral is that people who cling their wrong conclusions suck hard.

One time there was this kid with really cool hair, and he would often play with this other kid, until he almost burned the other kid's house down by accident. After that, their parents didn't let them play together anymore.

The moral of this story is that just because you have cool hair doesn't mean that you're actually cool.

One time, this guy found himself totally surrounded by all kinds of drama and potential drama. But he barely noticed any of it, because it was all irrelevant.

The moral of this story is that we all live in our own little worlds.

One time this guy fell in love with this girl. But all of his friends told him that she was a bitch. Hell, even his enemies told him that the girl was a bitch. But the guy didn't listen to any of them. He was in love. So he bided his time. After he'd known the girl for about fifteen years, and she'd managed to alienate every other guy she knew, she finally agreed to be the guy's girlfriend. Then, much to the guy's surprise, she turned out to be a total bitch.

The moral of this story is that when friends and enemies agree about something, they're probably right.

One day this dude was going to ask a hot girl to have lunch with him. But then he got irritated with her, so he was going to ask this other hot girl to lunch instead. But then he remembered that he doesn't like sluts, so he ended up going to lunch by himself.

The moral of this story is that Red Lobster has yummy food.

One night this guy and his friend went out to some club. The guy asked a lot of beautiful girls to dance, but they all declined. He became dismayed.

"I'm going to go ask that fat chick to dance," he told his friend.

And he did. And she said yes.

A year later the fat chick was no longer fat, and they got married. That was almost 20 years ago. They're still married and they have several kids. They're happy.

The moral of this story is that beggars can't be choosers.

One time this guy decided to ignore everything that he wanted, and to only think of this one girl. From that moment on, everything he did and said and even thought was in her best interest - or at least what he perceived to be in her best interest. He didn't matter at all, even to himself. She was the only one that mattered.

Then, several years later, the guy died alone and unloved.

The moral of this story is that there is no moral.

One time these people went camping. It was pleasant, if a little boring. But then a bee flew down the front of this one hot girl's shirt, and she quickly tore her shirt off, revealing perfect breasts.

The moral of this story is that it would be a shame if all the bees disappeared.

One night this guy and this girl were at a bar. When the girl left, she forgot her notebook. So the guy went running outside after her, calling her name.

When the girl heard the guy behind her calling her name, she stopped and turned around slowly. She seemed surprised to see that the guy still had his pants on.

The moral of this story is that sometimes you should take your pants off, if only because it's expected of you.

One day these two boys were playing around in an old shed. Then the sister of one of the boys came and locked them in the shed!

After about an hour, she finally let them out. When the boys went to tell on her, they found out that she'd told her dad that the boys had been using bad words. This was not fucking true, but the dad believed the girl and not the boys. So the boys got into trouble for cursing, and the girl probably got ice cream or something.

The moral of this story is that sometimes it's better to be a little girl than a little boy.

...there was this stupid dog named Fido. Really original name, I know.

Fido liked to eat dead animals.

But, besides being stupid, Fido was also lazy as fuck, so he never bothered to actually hunt and kill anything. Nope, he'd just look for something that was already dead. Like road-kill and other gross stuff.

Then he'd bring the rotted carcass up onto the porch and gnaw on it for a while, until this kid named Dave took it from him and threw it in the trash barrel.

The moral of this story is that random dead things are disgusting.