1. Sleep 10 hours.
2. Play Crysis for a while.
3. Go to Polly's Freeze for lunch.
4. Drive around for a couple of hours.
5. Sit in garage.
6. Shoot pool.
7. Sit on swing.
8. Glare at phone.

I seem to have lost the ability to take naps. I don't really count what happened Friday evening - that wasn't so much a nap as it was a collapse.

For the last week or two or three - it's all a blur, I've settled onto my couch after work, called for my cat Buddy (who always takes a nap with me) and waited for sleep that never comes. Sleep does not come to me, only thoughts of drowning.

This was again the case yesterday, after I got home from Jeffersonville. I was as tired as I can ever remember being, but sleep was beyond me. So, I went to my sister's party earlier than I'd expected.

It was a pleasant enough event. Crowds are never my thing, though. Everybody knows that. Usually I'll sit at these things and I'll talk to one or two people exclusively for hours. Last night that didn't seem to be an option. Dina was busy being hostess with the mostest. BadPickleGirl was not coming, despite my calling her and pretty much begging her to do so. SpoonsGirl was in a crappy mood, and Eric and Teri were AWOL.

So I was left with the crowd. All good people, certainly. But they're Dina's people, not mine.

I lost count of how many times I caught myself wondering if LaptopGirl would have joined me, had I specifically invited her. My estimate is that I wondered that about a million times.

Anyway, to drink I had a couple bottles of Spezial (1886) and a bottle of Newcastle (10396). I sat with the crowd and tried to not seem like too much of a weirdo. I petted the cat, a lot. I glared at my phone, a lot.

At one point I noticed that my table had become besieged by women. All that estrogen. I began to feel a strange urge to ask for directions and make doilies, so I moved to their new tiki bar and joined the guys. There, of course, everyone talked about hunting.

I came home at 10:00 or so. I sat on my swing and had a yummy Marzen (4585). And I glared at my phone, a lot.

It's hard for me, sometimes, to think about things not directly related to myself. To remember those times which, were I a much lesser man, I might deem irrelevant.

But I am not a lesser man. And these particular memories are effortless. All I have to do is relax, for just a second. I absolutely remember that terrible morning, which followed that terrible night. I remember that phone call. I remember the looks on everyone's faces once I got to my sister's house. I remember the days and weeks that followed. I remember the shock and the disbelief that somehow still manage to crush me whenever I find myself distracted.

I think I'm sad about my own petty problems of lost loves?

My problems are the ones that are irrelevant. Just ask my sister. She fucking knows what's relevant.

I have his picture on my refrigerator. Cory and his sister and his brother. Every time I get something to drink, I see his face. Every single time.

It's been almost a year now.

Plans quickly changed, as they are so often wont to do.

Instead of HatGirl and I going to look at diamonds then having lunch, It ended up being HatGirl and LuckyFucker going to look at diamonds, then joining me for lunch. I was still invited to go to the diamond thing, but I didn't want to feel like a third wheel all day long.

So, suddenly finding myself with an extra hour to kill, I went to Sportstime. It had been a week since I'd been to the NABC complex, and I was hopeful that Marzen might finally be back on tap.

But nooooooo!

So instead I had myself a nice Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier (2554) and I talked to MisunderstoodGirl as she scurried between the kitchen and her assigned tables.

Then I went over to Buckhead in Jeffersonville. Actually, first I poked my head into the Hooters there to see if my cousin Jeff was there. He wasn't, so I went to Buckhead then.

HatGirl and LuckyFucker were, of course, late in arriving. I guess I'm used to that, and this time it wasn't their fault. A diamond emergency made them late.

Once they arrived, we sat out on the deck and ordered lunch. For some reason, even though there were about 10 open tables out there, the hostess sat us right next to the only other occupied table. It was really strange. It was also quite annoying, and HatGirl especially didn't like it. So we ended up picking up our shit and moving inside.

That HatGirl is so anti-social sometimes. That's why we get along so well I guess.

And one of the waitresses kept giving me the stink-eye. Probably one of MixedSignalGirl's friends. (About your height, Miss. Maybe about 32 years old. With long dark hair in a pony tail. She kinda looked familiar.)

Oh yeah, with my lunch I had a Franziskaner Hefe-Weissbier (24). I would have had a Paulaner, but they were out, the fuckers.

Then once lunch was over I stuck my head back into Hooters. Jeff was there this time, but he was surrounded by a bunch of high-fiving white guys, so I quickly said hello and then came home.

I get to go see HatGirl now and look at diamonds and maybe have lunch!

Yay!

This stupid cursor keeps blinking at me, taunting me. Daring me to write something. When I press the keys, the letters appear, and the blinking stops. Until I stop pressing keys, then it starts again.

Each blink marks another wasted second. Another lost moment in which I could have written something, but didn't. Another moment that I'll never get back.

---

I really have a bad case of cabin fever right now. I've got to get out of this house, but I don't seem to be able to find the motivation to leave. It's like, I want to be somewhere else, but I don't want the hassle of actually going. And I can't decide where I want to be.

Actually, that's not right. I know exactly where I want to be. But that's not an option. And so I'm faced with a million lesser choices.

---

Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink.

---

Maybe after I take a shower I'll be more motivated.

It doesn't make any sense that I'm as exhausted as I am right now. I mean, I took a four-hour nap that ended only four hours ago.

So I slept too long, and when I woke up, I didn't feel like going to my stupid high school reunion. So, I didn't go. What I did instead was sit on my swing and drink a couple beers and watch some lightning. I think I made the right decision, though I imagine that I'll probably regret skipping the reunion at some point.

It ended up being a nice quiet Friday night. Just what I needed and wanted.

There was a bit of potential excitement for a while, when HatGirl pondered joining me for a drink or two. But then she and/or LuckyFucker pussed out, and those plans dissolved before they had fully formed.

So, to summarize, I slept for four hours, then I sat on my ass for four more hours, and now I'm exhausted.

I just had it for a second, maybe half a second, but I lost it again. That thought, that realization which just might be the key to this.

For just a brief moment, I was actually okay. I nearly stood up. But now it's gone again. And now I'm down again.

I think that very same thought right now and it feels like a lie. I realize that same realization right now, and it seems like an excuse.

Damn.

It's too hot to write anything. Maybe in the Fall, it won't be as hot.

St. Bernardus Prior 8

(bottle) Hazy brown, decent head that lasts forever. The aroma is mild, fairly malty and funky. Flavor is sharp - more hoppy bitterness than I was expecting, or desiring. Underlying flavors are raisins and a hint of coffee. This beer wasn't what I was expecting at all. Decent is all I can say.