I don't feel like writing anything, but I guess I'll get this over with.

Last night Rich O's was just incredibly dead. One of the PBDs was having a party and all of the other PBDs has gone to it. Not that I particularly miss those people.

MisunderstoodGirl was sitting at the bar when I came in, but she was talking with one of the assholes that does nothing but badmouth you know who all the time, so I went over and sat at the island.

I had a Smithwick's (540). I started off with a tame beer because I'd originally planned to be there for a while and I wanted to pace myself.

After the asshole left MisunderstoodGirl came over and we talked for a while. I wanted to try something new, so I had this beer from Lithuania.

Utenos Porter (17)

(bottle) Very malty and sweet. There might have been some chocolate and/or coffee flavor under all that malt, but I couldn't be sure. Mouthfeel was creamy and sticky. Finished like it had a higher ABV than it really did.

About halfway through this beer my friend left and the entire place pretty much emptied out except for some idiots that I don't know in the living room and some more idiots that were sitting behind me in the red room.

So by 9:30, I'd only been there an hour and I'd already had two beers. So much for pacing myself. I thought about maybe switching to Guinness but then I figured that it would only make my mood worse, so I paid and left.

Went to White Castle and spent a few minutes trying to get this cat that was in the parking lot to let me pet it, but it kept a four foot buffer between us at all times and just meowed.

Got home a little after 10:00, ate my White Castles, and played pool for a while.

Yippee!

1. Were you named after anyone?
My first name after my dad. My middle name I have no idea.

2. Do you wish on stars?
Nope.

3. When was the last time you cried?
The last time something bad enough happened.

4. Do you like your handwriting?
I do. It's self-encrypting in that sometimes even I can't read it.

5. What is your most embarrassing moment?
That would be this.

6. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
I think so.

7. Do you have a journal?
Duh.

8. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
No, I would never resort to that.

9.What are your nicknames?
Dave (duh), This one girl tried to call me Grasshopper but it didn't stick, barenada

10. Would you bungee jump?
I don't think so.

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Nope.

12. Do you think that you are strong?
Hard to say. I'm easily knocked down, but I keep getting back up.

13. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Vanilla with chocolate swirl.

14. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
My unwillingness to ever do anything except whine about my problems.

15. Who do you miss most?
Duh.

16. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
No pants, no shoes. I'm wearing a robe.

17. What are you listening to right now?
Just the voices in my head.

18. Last thing you ate?
White Castle cheeseburgers last night.

19. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Why does this stupid question keep showing up on all these surveys?

20. What is the weather like right now?
Haven't been outside yet. It's cloudy though.

21. Last person you talked to on the phone?
MisunderstoodGirl.

22. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
From far away, their general body shape. From close up, their eyes.

23. Favorite Drink?
Diet Vanilla Coke.

24. Favorite Sport?
Pool.

25. Hair Colour?
Blonde.

26. Eye Colour?
Blue.

27. Do you wear contacts?
Tried to several years ago, but couldn't get used to them.

28. Favorite Food?
This varies. I like crab legs at lot, and now I'm craving some.

29. Last Movie You Watched?
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

30. Favorite Day Of The Year?
None really stand out.

31. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings?
I like both types.

32. Summer Or Winter?
Summer.

33. Hugs OR Kisses?
Both.

34. What Is Your Favorite Dessert?
I don't eat dessert. That's for fancy rich folk.

35. Living Arrangements?
I have a house.

36. What Books Are You Reading?
Dead Lines by Greg Bear and Evolution by Stephen Baxter

37. What's On Your Mouse Pad?
It came with the computer. It says "Gateway" on it.

38. What did you Watch Last night on TV?
Nothing.

39. What are your favorite Smells?
Bacon, Vanilla, Lilacs.

40. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
I never cared for either band at all.

41. What's the furthest you've been from home?
Saudi Arabia.

42. Do you have a special talent?
Shooting pool.

43. What is your ring tone?
Just whatever came with the phone.

44. Least favorite sound?
See above.

I don't know why this is interesting, but it is. To me at least. Well, not really.

Here's who has sent the last 50 text messages to my phone.

My niece Bethany
RealTrainGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
RealTrainGirl
RealTrainGirl
MixedSignalGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
MisunderstoodGirl
MisunderstoodGirl
MixedSignalGirl
VigilanteGirl
MisunderstoodGirl
MisunderstoodGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
RealTrainGirl
MixedSignalGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
VigilanteGirl
RealTrainGirl
RealTrainGirl
VigilanteGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl

It's a sad little list, really. Two lesbians, one girl that only wants to flirt with me, one niece, and one girl that I manage to hurt every time I see her.

MisunderstoodGirl called a little while ago. I guess I'm going to meet them at Rich O's. I hope they're still there when I get there, because I don't really feel like going to their other hangout, Mac's.

Don't really feel like going anywhere actually. Especially not tonight of all nights. But it's especially tonight of all nights that I have to go out. Otherwise I'll be admitting to yet another defeat, and I'm not willing to do that. Yet.

Tonight Rich O's was about half full. There were, of course, some strangers sitting in the living room area. I ended up grabbing a seat on the loveseat anyway. It was either that or stand.

I had myself a Spezial Rauchbier (760) and sat and listened to the three drunk idiots sitting around me. It actually made me feel a little better about myself, knowing that I was so much cooler than those dorks.

Once the idiots left, I had the brilliant idea of asking the bartender if Baltika 6 was back yet. It's back! Yay! Of course I had one (192).

Nerdlinger and Butterface were sitting at the kiddie table and I had moved to the throne. I spent some time talking with Butterface, who had to look past Nerdlinger to see me. Kind of prophetic I think. I could so steal her if I wanted to, at least for the night. But I'm not that kind of person.

DisgustingMakeoutCouple came in at about the time I ordered my second Baltika (209). Those two really make me uncomfortable, but at least tonight they did a pretty good job of keeping their tongues in their own mouths.

That's it. A pretty boring night. Just what I needed.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What I'd like to know is how can a quiz that asks you a bunch of animal questions gives such accurate results.

Once again, I'm it really sure where I'm going with this. Once again, I should probably wait until I have a couple of beers in me before I write anything. Once again, I'm bored, so I'm going to do this now.

If you've joined me late, I'm clearly insane.

I have the feeling that a part of me must like it, because I keep coming up with new excuses to be this way.

That fact is that, no matter how much I protest, the pain is nearly gone. Whether it's because enough time has passed, or because new evidence has come to light, or because it was stupid from the beginning, it's almost over now. I can feel it leaving me. I can feel myself becoming something again. Not happy. Not even content. I guess I'm just becoming not sad.

Being completely unable to do anything about my problems since this all started, I spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing them. I have a theory as to why I keep coming up with new excuses to be sad. Putting it into words will be the tricky part.

If I'm not sad, then I'm not hoping to become not sad. To become not sad, something should happen. My pain shouldn't just fade away, something should happen that fixes me. Time heals all wounds may be standard words of encouragement, but it just seems like bullshit to me.

Sadness didn't sneak up on me, it exploded all over me. Something happened to make me this way. Is it unreasonable to want something equally dramatic to change things back?

Of course it's unreasonable. But I think it's understandable.

Consider the following:

Once upon a time this wicked witch gave a maiden a poison apple. She ate the apple, and she fell asleep. She slept for twenty years, then she woke up and felt very rested.

Once upon a time a fair maiden was sealed in a castle tower, she waited at the window for her prince to come and rescue her, but then she got tired of waiting and managed to pick the lock on the door and escape.

If I'm trapped, then a rescue is always possible. As soon as I free myself from this mess I'm in, the chance to be rescued is lost forever.

A part of me is clearly not ready to give up the dream of rescue, so I find walls everywhere I look.

A while ago I decided to start trying to bottle things up. I thought it was so I could seem more like a normal person to those who know me. That's what I thought. Now I think that the reason I'm bottling these feelings up is that they're almost gone. I'm not so much locking them up as I'm clinging to them.

I read all these journals, written by all these amazing people. I read for the stories, and for inspiration, and for the humor. I read for several reasons, and I never go away unsatisfied.

What I never expected to see, even after all these months, what I never thought I'd find was a fucking mirror. I certainly wasn't looking for one. And most definitely not one that revealed my own feelings better than I ever could.

I am completely, utterly humbled. I'm reduced to using the same words that I used the first time I looked into this mirror:

Wow. Just, wow.

Just watched one of the janit, er, custodial engineers use a shovel to get the squirrel's body out of the shrubbery. It had managed to run about thirty feet with a smashed head and untold internal injuries.

Now I'm sad.

I'm also wondering, if I ever got to the point where I really needed it, could I count on anyone to step on me and put me out of my misery?

I was standing outside my building today having a smoke and watching this squirrel spaz out.

We have trees all over the place, and the front of the building has ivy growing maybe 50 feet up it. The squirrels will climb the trees, and jump from tree to tree, and jump from the trees to the building.

I don't know what they're up to, but it's entertaining to watch.

Today I figured that this one particular squirrel must have gotten into one of the bottling lines or something because it was obviously under the influence of something. I've never seen a squirrel, never known for their sedentary ways, move so quickly and frantically.

This thing would climb one tree, then jump to the ivy on the side of the building. It would then immediately climb up a little higher and jump to another tree, then climb down to the ground. Then it would climb the first tree again and the pattern would repeat.

One of these circuits took about 10 seconds. I watched about 20 of them.

I'm not really sure what happened. I took my eyes off the squirrel for a second, and I heard it scream.

Did you know that squirrels can scream? Well they can, if they're pissed enough. Or scared enough.

Maybe it misjudged the distance to the tree. Maybe it misjudged how tired it was getting from all the spazzing out it was doing. Maybe a sudden breeze moved the branch. I don't know. What I do know is that the squirrel screamed, and then it fell about 40 feet onto the sidewalk.

The squirrel bounced. I was sickened.

The sound was exactly like you'd hear if you took two pool balls and struck them together. It was the sound of many small bones breaking at the same time. It was the sound of a skull shattering. It was the sound of something dying.

I'd say that I'm pretty normal when it comes to liking animals. If they're cute then I like them. If they have eight legs or beady eyes, well then not so much. So possums and spiders are out, but squirrels are definitely in the like column.

I took a second or two to work up my nerve, then walked to see if the squirrel was alive. I was sure that it would be dead. Hoping that it'd be dead actually. Because if it was alive and hurt as badly as that sickening sound and that horrific bounce indicated, if it was hurt that badly, then I was going to step on it. I was going to kill it and put out of its misery.

I could see the squirrel laying on the sidewalk when I started walking toward it. It hadn't moved. How could it have moved? It was dead. But I had to make sure, and I walked around some bushes that hid the squirrel from my view for a second. I remember wondering how much blood I'd get on my work shoes if I had to step on it and kill it. I wondered if I'd really be able to go through with it.

When I rounded the bushes, the squirrel was gone.

There had been no noise, no rustling of the shrubbery. There had been nothing. It was there one second and then gone the next.

I've heard that some animals, in the last seconds of their life, will often summon every last bit of energy and strength they have and just run. Run to hide, somewhere safe. Run to heal, somewhere warm. Run to die, somewhere private.

I don't know where this squirrel went to die. All I know is that, wherever it went, it went there fast.

It was a spaz right up to the very end.