It was a good day. Long, but good. Started at about 4:00 this morning at Denny's, and ending I hope very soon.

I was supposed to have Indian food with HatGirl, but she wasn't feeling well. I was disappointed about not getting to see HatGirl, but I hadn't been particularly looking forward to Indian food, so I guess it all worked out.

Problem was, I'd gotten myself all motivated to leave my house, and so I had to come up with some other reason to do so. I tried to book a hotel room in Covington. I was going to surprise KittenDamsel with an invitation because we were supposed to go there last weekend. But Covington was all booked up. I tried three hotels and there were no rooms available in any of them.

Next I tried to just book a room at the local hotel/casino, but they were booked, too.

Shit!

We ended up going down to the casino anyway. We did some gambling - I managed to turn $100 into about $105 playing blackjack - and we stuffed ourselves silly at the buffet. I was disappointed that their Asian noodle salad wasn't on the buffet today, but their Asian meatballs were, so I stuffed myself on those and kung pao chicken and moo goo gai pan. KittenDamsel had fish, because she's boring and stuff.

There was also beer consumed at their Legends bar. I had some Newcastles (13774) and she had some swill, because she's boring and stuff.

Later, what was supposed to be an hour long nap somehow turned into an almost six-hour nap. We have no idea how that happened. KittenDamsel was extremely late in meeting her friends, and I was extremely behind in my phone-glaring quota for the night.

So we parted company. I went to Rich O's and, after I'd glared at my phone for an hour, felt better. The Marzen (11568) didn't hurt matters either. It was quite crowded at Rich O's, survivors from some beer thingy they'd had in Clarksville. Most of the regulars were there, and some of the irregulars. I didn't really talk to anyone except NotHideousGirl and UPSDude.

After Rich O's closed, I came home. I've been glaring at my phone ever since, so I think I've satisfied my quota. Tomorrow it starts over again.

I can't help but wonder, When am I going to say that enough is enough?

When will I stop? When will I give up?

It's the most annoying thing, being so stubborn and blind, and knowing that I'm being stubborn and blind, and relishing in it because the alternatives are unacceptable.

My eyes are wide open, and still I don't see. Still I cannot see. Still I refuse to see.

When will I stop? When will I give up?

When will I die?

This is not a life. This is a death. Prolonged and stretched almost to the point of indiscernability, but a death nonetheless.

When?

This was on HatGirl's facebook page. I'm bored. Here you go:

Think back to June, who were you in a relationship with?
Nobody.

What are some things you do when you're mad?
Write. Drink. Shoot pool.

How's your mood?
Today it's mostly numb. And tired, as always.

When is the last time you saw number 2 on your top friends?
Hmmm, I only have the one facebook friend, and my number two friend on myspace is someone I've never seen in person. Next question, please.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
I'm not like that.

Honestly, if you could go back and change something in the past 5 months would you?
Without a doubt.

Three hours ago, were you touching a person of the opposite sex?
Nope.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Hard Rock in Cleveland.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Not yet.

What are you listening to right now?
Nothing.

Where were you at midnight last night?
In my basement shooting pool.

Does anybody hate you?
Probably.

Did anyone yell at you today?
Nope.

Are you happier now or three months ago?
Three months ago. Feels like a million years ago.

Is there something you're looking forward to this month?
I'd like to get my swing fixed.

Are you texting anybody?
Not at the moment. Most of my texts are with HatGirl or OddlyFamiliarGirl.

Are you a jealous person?
I have my moments.

Has anyone said they love you today?
Not that I know of.

What is your favorite color?
Blue I guess.

What color are your eyes?
Blue.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
I'm certain of it. Usually, I hope, the difference has been for the good.

Whose car were you in last?
Besides my own, I think it was probably HatGirl's car.

Whats the wallpaper on your cellphone?
Nothing at the moment.

Where do you think your number 1 is right now?
It's HatGirl. She's probably on her way home from work.

Think back to yesterday, what were you doing around this time?
Sleeping.

Do you believe that love lasts forever?
Yes. This is not necessarily a good thing.

Do you like fruity or minty gum?
Fruity I guess.

Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
When I wake up.

Are you taller than 5'5?
Yes.

Will this weekend be a good one?
Don't know. I'm guessing not.

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
Not that I know of.

What is today's date?
June 4th.

How often do you listen to music?
When I'm driving.

Did you cry today?
Nope. Me big strong man. Me no cry.

Do you trust all your friends?
Some more than others.

Who's hoodie did you wear last?
Don't know that I've ever worn a hoodie.

Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
RockGirl understands.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Have an interview with a consulting firm, then I'm hoping to have lunch with HatGirl.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I don't think so.

When you say you don't care, do you mean it?
Yes.

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
First name, yes. Last name, yes. Entire name, no.

Do you hate the last guy/girl you were talking to?
No.

What makes you happiest?
Not applicable.

If you could move to Africa would you?
I'd go for a long visit, but not permanently.

How has this weekend been?
It's Thursday. Last weekend was just okay.

When is your birthday?
February 20.

Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
Mostly straight.

Do you try hard in school?
I didn't have to try.

Do you look more like your mom or dad?
My mom.

When's the next time you will talk to the person you like?
Unknown.

Where did your last hug take place?
HatGirl's porch.

Have you ever done something you promised yourself you wouldn't?
Too many times.

Be honest, who texted you last?
OddlyFamiliarGirl, asking if I wanted to meet at Rich O's.

This time last year, who did you like?
LaptopGirl.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Yes.

Do you have feelings for anyone?
Yes.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
It's been a while. I think I might have almost cried when I finally told LaptopGirl how I felt about her.

Have you ever been called heartless?
I don't know if that particular word has been used to describe me.

Has anyone ever told you they loved you, and you didn't believe them?
Not that I can remember.

Do you like late night phone conversations?
Yes. StupidGirl and I used to have them al the time.

Think of the person who has hurt you the most in the past year, who is it?
Myself.

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Don't know that I've heard any music today.

Did you dance today?
Nope.

Who was the last person that called you?
Some dude about a job interview. Before that, HatGirl.

Who did you last tell that you were gonna hurt them?
I'm not like that. Probably when I was a kid I said something like that to someone.

What's the last thing that bothered you?
This stupid insomnia I've been having.

Would you change yourself for someone else?
I think it just happens.

Have you ever experienced a crazy ex?
Not sure that I'd call any of my exes crazy.

Do you like to cuddle?
Yes.

Will you be sleeping alone tonight?
Most likely.

Do you like the person you are becoming?
Nope, I suck.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?
Yes.

You're thinking about someone, aren't you?
Of course.

Did you say "fuck" today?
Probably to the bartender at Bearno's while we were watching tennis on TV.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
KittenDamsel sometime last week.

Who was the last person or people you ate with?
DoableGirl this morning.

What was the last beverage you drank?
Drinking a glass of water right now.

What is something you really want right now?
To get my sleep schedule back to normal.

Do you ever wonder how other people see you?
All the time.

Honestly, do you really love the last person you said I love you to?
Without a doubt.

What is your opinion on the movie Twilight?
Never saw it.

Do you have freckles?
A few.

What does the last text in your inbox say?
OMW (OddlyFamiliarGirl saying she was coming to Rich O's)

If there was one person you could push of a cliff who would it be?
I'm not like that.

Do you always answer your phone?
Nope.

I dare you to tell why you kissed the last person you kissed?
Because she's hot.

Are you shy?
Not particularly.

Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Not sure why, but a text at that hour, as opposed to a phone call, and I think it would be LaptopGirl. And then I'd have a heart attack.

I'm at Denny's early today, or maybe I'm here late last night. Whatever, it's 3:49 right now, so it's something fucked up.

It's very crowded here right now. And LOUD. At least 90% of the noise is coming from the corner booth, and at least 99% of that noise is coming from one person, a somewhat round girl who I shall call Loudy McLoudandfat. Her cackling is threatening to liquefy my bones. That would be gross.

The remaining 10% of the noise, itself almost ear-splitting, emanates from a group of guys dorks playing some kind of trivia game at the center table. I'm fairly certain that sexual favors are being wagered, and that they don't really care who wins the game, because they'll all get to "win" later in the parking lot. Hint hint wink wink.

And finally, over in the corner, is an old guy, as quiet as I am and probably as miserable as I am because of these auditory assailants.

My plan, such as it was, was to come here and scribble out a quick entry, then have breakfast with DoableGirl. My plan, such as it was, did not include arriving at 3:45 in the flipping morning. So now I've got to improvise. I've got at least another hour to kill, and I don't know if I've got an hour's worth of words inside me, straining to escape. I guess I'll find out.

It's hard to stay in a writey mood in this place. Usually it's too quiet. Sometimes, like this morning, it's too loud. It's weird, though, that I can sit in a bar and write for hours but in this place even 15 minutes seems too long. It's not that different from a bar.

Anyway, earlier tonight I was thinking about my readers. Not any of my specific readers, but my readers in general. My generic readers.

Some of you people have stuck with me for years. Out of habit, possible, the inertia of interest that's long since faded. Or maybe that's not fair. Maybe there's still genuine interest out there somewhere, a curiosity, perhaps, about what exactly the fuck happened.

Those readers, the curious ones, are owed something. There's a debt there. There's always been an unspoken agreement. I write about my life, and people read it. Well, I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain lately, and I know it. The more that people read my irrelevant drivel, the more into the red I sink.

I fear, however, that this is a debt which will never be repaid in full. There are too many things about which I simply cannot write. Too many feelings to be hurt, too many fingers to point, and too much blame to assign.

See, this blog isn't about me, and it hasn't been about me for a very long time. It's been about something else. A feeling or a desire or a question or an answer, all intertwined and all pervasive. Everything that I wrote was about that. Everything, even if it didn't seem that way to those of you reading. And now it's got too stop. It's become just too damn intense.

Luckily, this blog is no longer about that thing at all. Now, it's about trying to survive even as I wonder if I want to survive.

And, as long as I'm being forthcoming, nothing I've written has been written for me, or for you generic readers out there in Internetland. Nope, all of it, every single word that I've written in the last half-decade, has been written to and for one very specific reader. A reader who is probably wondering, as she reads this sentence, "Is he talking about me?"

Of course I am, silly girl. And that also has to stop. Again, way too intense.

Now, where was I going with all this drivel?

Doesn't matter, because my date is here. It's about time. I'm starving.

I'm such a damn hypocrite sometimes. Like when I claim to not believe in fate except regarding this one tiny thing, and regarding this one tiny thing I base years of my life on faith that it's meant to be.

Make up your damn mind, Dave.

So here's the deal. Maybe I've been wrong. Maybe I've been wrong about fate, and maybe I've been wrong about this one tiny thing. Maybe it's all been random, or existing only in my head, or maybe there is fate, and what's happened is exactly what fate had in store for me.

It's a tough pill to swallow, being wrong. Wrong about a life. Wrong about a love. Just flat-out wrong about the only thing that has ever mattered to me. The only thing that, I fear, will ever matter to me.

So, having accepted the possibility that I've been wrong, what am I supposed to do about it?

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

Wait to die, or maybe wait to live. Maybe I've been right, and I just need even more patience, and maybe I've been wrong, and patience is irrelevant. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I do nothing, because that's what she wants from me right now.

Nothing.

And I hope that others will follow my example. There's been too much meddling and too much drama already.

It's time for peace to prevail.

I'm at Denny's again this morning. I guess it's becoming a habit, though I hope it's a short-lived one. I'd much rather be sleeping, you know, like a normal person.

I came here hoping, after I'd eaten, to write something good, but I ended up eating breakfast with DoableGirl and that seems to have disrupted the flow of whatever creative juices I possess.

Oh well.

Pretty girls should always take priority.

Remember when the glaciers covered all of the land that would someday become Canada, and a lot of the land that would someday become the United States?

Well, right after those glaciers retreated Northward, back to where they belonged, that was the last time I talked to MixedSignalGirl.

Until tonight.

That was exactly what I needed.