I didn't really get much accomplished yesterday. I went to Home Depot to get some lumber for my swing but, while I was there, I kinda lost all motivation for everything. So I just came back home and shot pool for a while.

Then at 3:00 I went to Bearno's for something to eat and a couple glasses of Newcastle (11456). For a while, I was the only customer in the entire place. That was perfectly fine with me.

Traded a few emails with her, and that put me back into a good mood until the subject changed. Then my mood deteriorated very quickly. I said some things that were unwelcome, I'm sure. But, like I keep telling myself, if I'm going to ruin this, as least it will be with the truth. Sometimes I wonder if the two of us are strong enough to hold something this lopsided together. Or if she thinks that it's worth the effort.

Later I went and picked up this Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale (24), which was new for me.

Blue Moon Harvest Moon Pumpkin Ale

(bottle) Clear light amber. Large whitish head. Not much of an aroma or flavor with this one. Everything was very subtle - too subtle. I don't think I'll bother with this again. Decent is all I can say.

Anyway, other than having a couple bottles of that beer, and watching some movies, I had a nice phone call that I don't think I want to write about here. I went to bed fairly early and slept for 10 hours.

Today is HatGirl's wedding reception. As was expected, I will be going alone. But it should still be fun to see HatGirl in her wedding dress. I hope she remembers that she was supposed to learn how to dance, so she can give me a quick lesson before I dance with her for real.

I suppose that a brief beer report is in order. I did, after all, go to Rich O's last night. I bet I could count on one hand the number of times I've been in there, on a weekend night, in the last three months.

Anyway, I wasn't planning to go, but my sister called to say that she and her husband were there. So I went.

It was extremely crowded and LOUD. I ended up standing by the bar, talking yelling with Dina and Kenny. I had two and a half glasses of Marzen (5902). By the time Dina and Kenny left, my mood was shot to shit. I tried to hang out for a little bit longer, but there was no sense in it. I came home around 10:00.

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Last week I was going to buy some wood to start repairs on my swing. But while I was cutting some rope, I ended up slicing my finger instead. Today, my plan is to go and finally buy that wood. I'll probably manage to amputate my leg somehow.

Have you ever stepped outside of yourself for a while, and then looked back, and wondered why you would ever want to return?

Me too.

Have you ever wanted, with all of your heart, to just give up, but known that you didn't have the strength?

Me too.

Have you ever had someone tell you the most asinine thing you've ever heard, and made you think that you don't matter at all?

Me too.

Have you ever want to quit, everything?

Me too.

Have you ever given everything you are to an idea that only you thought of?

Me too.

Have you ever been invisible?

Have you ever wondered how much of your life is simple inertia, and how much is real?

Have you ever wasted your time?

Have you ever wanted to turn back the clock, or the calendar?

Have you ever loathed yourself, and not known the reason?

Have you ever realized the truth, and wished with every ounce of your being that it was a lie?

Have you ever been in love?

The last time we went to this hippie place for lunch, it was a huge surprise. The having lunch together part, not so much the hippie place part. This time, it was still a surprise, just maybe not as big, because this time, I'd invited her to lunch.

Another surprise was getting the shit beaten out of me by a two-year-old.

The food was decent. The company was extraordinary. Even the two-year-old.

Can't write about this until later, but I'm mildly freaked out.

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Okay, so today after I ate lunch I was on the upper level at Fourth Street Live, where NotHideousGirl and I used to sit and smoke after lunch. I wasn't sitting today, but I was smoking. I was also watching people, like I usually do.

You know how you can recognize your own car, even if you see just a tiny portion of it? Like when you leave a store, and the parking lot is packed, and you don't quite remember where you parked? But you can look across the parking lot and see maybe a flash of fender or something, and you immediately know it's your car?

Yeah, well today I was watching people walking up and down Fourth Street, and I saw out of the corner of my eye a glimpse of blonde hair. I saw that hair, and I immediately knew who it was.

MixedSignalGirl.

She was walking into T.G.I. Friday's just like she did it every day. Just like she hadn't moved a million miles away. Just like she had every right to be there.

She was with some dude. I assumed this was her new husband. I didn't actually see any dicks in his mouth, because I was pretty far away, but I'm sure they were in there somewhere.

I absolutely froze. I had no idea what to do. I was pulled equally between running away from her and running toward her. So, like I said, I froze. My legs simply would not move. But I somehow managed to get my arms and hands to work, so I emailed RockGirl that I might be dying, and then I called MixedSignalGirl.

I really had no idea what I was going to say. I guess I figured I'd just wing it. I got her voicemail, stammered out that I'd been thinking about her, and hung up.

And so began the wait.

---

Just got off the phone with her. Everything is fine - I'd been concerned that her mom might be sick. It's just a regular visit.

I hadn't wanted to write anything here until I'd talked to her. I didn't want her to read here that I'd seen her and hadn't immediately run down to say hello. Of course I told her about that on the phone, though.

It's all good.

I doubt that we'll see each other or even talk again while she's here. Not unless her husband wants to spend an evening at a gay bar or something, thus giving her some time to kill.

Happy birthday to my youngest sister, Neisha!

See, I am capable of remembering some things.

What a crappy day Monday was. I'm glad it's over, but I can't really say I have any expectations that Tuesday will be any better.

Fuck, I hate being so dependent on, and reactionary to, outside stimuli.

Also, I managed to tear the cut on my finger open tonight. So that's another pint of blood I'll never get back.

I was going to write an entry about my fun Saturday, but instead I decided to slice my finger to the bone. And now I can't type very well at all. So, for now at least, you people will be spared.

It was a really good day, though.

Maybe a picture can be worth a thousand words.

For a second or so, there was something. An accidental touch. Not a lie but a mistake.

I think she forgot who I was, and in doing so, made me forget who I was.

Then she remembered, and jerked her hand away, and in doing so, made me remember.

For a second or so, I was somebody else. It was nice.

When I go to the internet and find the chord progression for a song, and it's listed as an easy lesson, or as a beginner's lesson, and it's got a change from a C to a G. And then back again.

Or if there's an F anywhere in the song.

Because that shit's not easy at all.

So fuck you, internet guitar people.