(response to message)

Ha ha, very funny.

While I seriously doubt that you are who you pretend to be, you do actually make a valid point.

I just might be a dumbass. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that I probably am a dumbass.

But not for the reasons that you imply.

The simple fact that so much time has passed pretty much has to invalidate that theory.

Nope, if I'm indeed a dumbass, it's for reasons that you and others of your ilk just don't seem to understand. Reasons that, were you to actually be who you're pretending to be, you'd almost certainly get. Maybe not like, but at least get.

If I'm a dumbass, at least I mean well. There have been far stupider things, done for far less altruistic reasons, than what I'm doing now. Or not doing now. Whatever.

In the end I may very well be proven wrong. Perhaps someday I'll look back at the results of my (in)actions and just weep. Perhaps someday I'll realize just what it is that I've done, and I'll simply be unable to live with that knowledge, and I'll throw myself off a cliff or something.

Perhaps someday I'll see these holes in my awareness filled with facts instead of conjecture.

But for now I have to go with what I do know.

And what I do know, right here, right now, is that I'm taking the only course of action available to me that keeps the vast bulk of the pain directed inward. Where it should be. Back towards the source.

And, if you happen to be who you pretend to be, that was a pretty callous and mean-spirited thing to say. But I forgive you.

That's what friends do after all.

Well, not really. But when I saw all of the rice in the parking lot at my old high school Sunday I did get a little sad for the future.

My niece Bethany graduated Sunday. This strikes me as odd because she's only eight or nine as far as I'm concerned. And she'll stay that way dammit!

That's her looking at the camera.

The graduation festivities were, as I pretty much expected, quite boring except for those brief seconds when (a) Bethany came in with all the other Seniors, (b) Bethany got her diploma, and (c) Some particularly hot girl passed by.

That last point does not mean that I'm a pervert. It means that I'm a dirty old man.

Huge difference. Dirty old men have the same fantasies that men throughout time have had. Perverts risk getting sent to Federal Pound Me In The Ass prison.

So the nice thing about attending a high school graduation is this: If they're graduating, it's a pretty damn safe bet that they're 18 years old and therefore not jailbait. This is important to me because I've often had a hard time deciding who is stare-worthy and who is just a cute kid.

Like every time I go to Polly's Freeze.

Bethany was the first of any of my sisters' kids to graduate. In two years Dina's son Cory will follow his sister into adulthood, then my sister Neisha's kids Devynne and Logan, then finally Dina's youngest son Gehrid.

By the time Gehrid graduates I expect I'll be too old to ogle the pretty girls.

Just seeing if anyone notices.

(update: Well that didn't take long. I've changed it back. If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here. Hard to tell I guess, but those are gorilla eyes. It's surprisingly hard to find a good picture of a gorilla looking straight at the camera.)

(I'm putting this in the travel category because I kind of felt like a tourist.)

Saturday night I was irritated. The girl at the Gas'N'Stuff had put me in a bad mood, and I never really got a chance to improve my mood because my fucking phone kept vibrating.

That's how my Saturday night went. Pleasant conversations at Rich O's interrupted every half-hour by MixedSignalGirl calling or texting me about how pissed she was at me for what happened in Las Vegas.

Because I'm such a selfish asshole, I didn't return any of the calls until this morning.

Because I'm not a complete selfish asshole, I called her right after I woke up.

To make a very long story short, we agreed to meet up at this place called Sully's for dinner so we could, once again, hash things out and, once again, decide that we are completely wrong for each other and/or our timing sucks.

LaptopGirl used to call this place Fourth Street Dive but I actually kind of like it. It reminds me a little bit of Fremont Street in Las Vegas. There are good bars and lots of neon. Pretty damn cool for Louisville if you ask me.

I arrived at Sully's about five minutes late, and had myself a Smithwick's. I'm really really starting to like this beer. It just goes down smooth. I feel like I could drink it all night.

I like the layout of this Sully's place. A long and narrow room with a bar running the length of one wall and tables and booths for eating scattered about. The entire wall opposite the bar was glass so we could see out into the street.

MixedSignalGirl arrived about a half-hour late, and I suppose I should say that if she was late because she was busy making herself up, then it was worth it. I've never seen her look so pretty.

So despite the near-frantic calls Saturday night, she decided tonight to completely ignore the burning issue of her being pissed and we proceeded to have a fairly standard date. I had a burger and fries that were very good and she had some chicken fingers and fries. We mostly just talked about how cool the bar and Fourth Street Live was, and how it'd be nice if they did something like it in New Albany.

Eventually our conversation became more serious and I'm not going to get into it here except to reiterate what I told her, more or less:

I'm very sorry that you were hurt. I've never meant to cause you any pain at all. I really didn't think you'd care. We broke up months ago, and you told me you were doing fine. I told you that I wasn't ready for a relationship, and that's still true. What happened in Las Vegas was a simple one night stand. I don't even have her number, and I don't expect to hear from her again. It was not about you, or because of you, or in spite of you. I wasn't about anyone. Just two people that happened to hit it off and decided to enjoy each other with no strings or baggage to worry about.

During all this I had myself another Smithwick's. MixedSignalGirl was drinking some foofoo thing that was green and brown.

Once we left Sully's we went briefly to the Red Star Saloon and then into the Hard Rock where I bought us t-shirts, then we went to this place called The Pub.

This was another very nice bar. They also had a pretty impressive draft beer selection. I had myself a four-beer sampler:

Whitbread English Ale

(draft) No head at all, but somehow managed to have very good lacing. A hint of caramel in the flavor. A slightly lagerish finish but not too fizzy. Not bad at all.

Young's Double Chocolate Stout

(draft) Good head, good lacing. Subtle chocolate aroma and more subtle chocolate flavor. Nothing else to distinguish it at all. It did kind of grow on me though.

Black Sheep Monty Python's Holy Grail

(draft) No head. No aroma, No flavor. A very dry and fizzy mouthfeel. Probably good for an upset stomach but little else.

Tetley's English Ale

(draft) Good lacing. No detectable aroma, flavor, or aftertaste. There was just a hint of bitterness that faded before swallowing was complete. Not bad, but very boring.

So the beer, while new to me, turned out to be pretty boring. I'd like to try the Young's again someday though. It was intriguing. This place had at least a half-dozen other beers that I've never seen on tap at Rich O's, but I think most of them were IPAs so I wasn't interested.

At The Pub I bought another t-shirt. The staff was all wearing shirts with the bar's logo on the front and different bits of English culture on the back:

• Bollocks!
• Abbey Road
• Another pint, love? (Something like that anyway)
• Piss off! (I really wanted this one)
• Wanker! (MixedSignalGirl made me get this one)

We ended up having a pretty good night together, getting along great. That was never our problem when we were together. Our problem was that at different times one or both of us would have our minds someplace else or with someone else. We were always just using each other as placeholders, as safe havens against the unknown, as crutches to help us get through the tough times.

Tonight, we said goodbye and once again went our separate ways. I hope I managed to smooth things over a little. I think I did. She's very sweet, and her feelings are important to me. It's just that, like I've said before, those things she sees in me are not meant for her. In the end, I have to be true to myself. I cannot lie my way through a relationship. It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

I will, however, admit that I've often caught myself imagining a deeper relationship with MixedSignalGirl. Hell, I caught myself doing it tonight. I see in her eyes something I haven't seen in many others - genuine affection. For me of all people. But I also see something else. My own eyes reflected within hers. That's what gives me pause and reminds me that there's a reason we're not together.

My own eyes remain focused a million miles away.

(I'm going to update this to say that there are real reasons that things would never work out for us. It's not all because I'm insane. We both know what those reasons are, and I'm not going to get into them here. Hell, I wouldn't have even written about tonight if she hadn't asked me to.)

Tonight I wrote down my URL for this chick at Rich O's. We'd been talking about writing and somebody had told her that I have a 'blog.

Even though I told her that everything except some entries in the ramblings and the peril categories is boring and stupid, I'm now feeling a little bit of pressure to write something halfway decent.

That way it will at least look like I'm still capable of a coherent thought every now and then.

The problem is, I've got nothing. So I'll just write about my day, such as it was.

After I washed my car Koko and I went over to Polly's for lunch.

After that I went down to my cousin Mike's new house to check it out. Not exactly a castle, but it's not like he needs anything special. It's certainly got to be better than living with his parents has been these past few months.

After my late afternoon nap I stopped to see VigilanteGirl. Now it looks like she won't be changing jobs. I have mixed emotions about this. I mean I'm glad that I'll still be able to see her on a regular basis, but I know I should feel bad because I know she was looking forward to making more money and having her weekends off. This is just another example of me being a selfish bastard I guess.

This one chick at the Gas'N'Stuff gave me shit about being in there three times today. I have no idea what that was all about. For one thing, I was only in there twice. For another thing, it's a fucking convenience store. You're supposed to go there when it's convenient for you, not when it's convenient for the people working there. For another thing, it's none of her fucking business how many times I go in there. So now I'm afraid that I may have another person to avoid at that store. The first one I don't think works there anymore.

I got to Rich O's and for a few minutes I was literally the only customer there. In the bar proper I mean I think there were a couple of people out in the front room. I talked briefly with NotGeorge on the phone and basically told him to hurry up if he was coming because it looked like the place would be closing soon.

Let's see, I took it easy on the beer tonight. All I had were some Smithwick's and some Guinnesses (Guinni?). Spent some time talking with NotGeorge, ClownGirl, Bubbles, DisgustingMakeoutCouple, and the aforementioned chick.

At one point everyone else had gone and I found myself talking with AforementionedGirl about my 'blog and how 99% of it is crap, and 99% of the semi-good stuff is about you know who and how fucked up I am and/or was about her. I ended up writing my URL down for some reason.

I'm going to stop writing this entry now. I've got an idea for a new entry though. Maybe tomorrow I'll write about signals if I can figure out a way to keep it fairly generic.

Drove my Monte Carlo to work the other day and birds used it for shit target practice.

So this morning, instead of taking it to the brushless car wash like I usually do, I decided to really baby the thing and do a complete hand washing.

So now it's completely clean - no bugs, dirt, or bird shit - but it looks like crap because of all the water spots left on it.

This is what I get for having a black car, but I thought the water softener I bought last year was supposed to reduce or eliminate the water spots.

Guess not. Once it gets dark the car will look great though.

(update: While the car was parked at my cousin Mike's new house birds used it as a toilet again.)

Friday night at Rich O's was fairly crowded, but I guess it wasn't too bad because I actually got to park in the main parking lost - first time that's happened on a Friday in months.

I ended up sitting on the throne and having a pretty tame night.

My first beer was this:

La Rulles Triple

(draft) A fairly standard tasting tripel. Perhaps a little more citrus than I'd prefer, but very drinkable.

There were some PBDs that I sort of know sitting around me, and ExBartender and CoffeeDude were around as well. I stayed pretty quiet.

One of the PBDs was drinking a Chouffe Bok, and, based on his recommendation, that's what I had next.

Chouffe Bok 6666

(draft 2002 vintage) A nice reddish-brown. Had a fruit component that wasn't the apples I'm used to from Belgians. I'm going to call the flavor a mix of cherries and beets. Not too bad, but not worth a second glass.

RealTrainGirl and MisunderstoodGirl came in. They'd got new call phones with cameras in them but it looks like we cannot send pictures between us. I guess Sprint and Verizon are not playing well together. I text-messaged a couple of people to have them try to send a picture to my phone but none of the people I tried have camera phones. Oh well.

Any of you faithful readers out there want to try go head and contact me via e-mail or the message form at the side of the page. I'll respond with my cell phone number.

(update: A few people have managed to send pictures to my cell phone. None of them have been with Verizon though.)

Just put in a new function to display random 'blog entries.

It's not (right now anyway) available on my home page, but if you go to any of the 'blog pages that list the monthly archive links, right above them is a new link labelled random.

This link will, duh, display a random entry from the appropriate 'blog.

Here's a link to a random entry in the main 'blog just so you see what I mean.

We had this work thing today at Louisville's Fourth Street Live. Specifically at the Lucky Strike bowling lanes and the poolhall Felt.

I suppose that, as these offsite meetings go, this one was okay. I can always think of about a zillion real things I could be working on instead of attending these day-long meetings.

During the lunch break several people grabbed a pool table and started playing 8-ball amongst themselves. I got my own table and started banking balls in. Even with the crappy house cue, the dismal lighting, the large stains on the cloth consisting of I don't want to know what, and the fact that the entire table leaned heavily to one side, I found that it's surprisingly difficult to miss a bank shot on an eight foot table.

Most of the people that know me at work know that I'm a pool player, and that I'm a pretty good one. I'm not sure that they grasp just how good compared to them, or that if there was any money in it at all for a player at my level I'd hang up my keyboard and make my living doing something I love instead of something I merely enjoy.

I heard some people talking today, making little comments about how I was playing by myself and wondering if everyone was just too scared to play me. These comments were all made jokingly and everybody got a good laugh out of it, including me. But nobody came over to my table.

If all they're wanting is a chance to win, then they did well to stay away. If winning is what's most important to them, they shouldn't get within ten feet of me and a pool table.

I understand the desire to win. I've seen it often enough, felt it often enough. I just never let it take away from the simple enjoyment of playing. Those times when I found myself outmatched and I lost, I still enjoyed every minute of it. Those times when I knew going in that I wasn't likely to win - I still played. To avoid the competition because of a fear of losing - what's the fun in that?

Maybe part of the reason for my ability to enjoy myself is that I've generally been pretty good at whatever I do. Better than average I guess you could say.

Darts. Horseshoes. Shooting baskets. Bowling.

Bowling was the team-building portion of the offsite meeting. We split up into teams and bowled all these crazy frames; opposite handed, granny style, backwards granny style, blindfolded, etc.

Those were the odd-numbered frames. The even-numbered frames were real bowling.

Back when I was in the Air Force, we'd take a Friday off each month and just go bowl together. We always had a lot of fun, even without all of the goofy-assed odd-numbered frame restrictions. I wish we'd done that today. Just bowled.

So I scored a 91. My even-numbered frames probably made up 75 of those points. My odd-numbered frames were fairly useless. If I'm figuring things correctly I'd have bowled a 165 or so if the whole game had been normal bowling. I used to average about 185 in my Air Force days, but I'd certainly take a 165 considering how I've bowled about 10 games in the last 13 years.

I mentioned a while back that this Lucky Strike place has Smithwick's on tap. I had two, and they were delicious. Everybody else was using their drink tickets to get drinks made with our company's products, but I paid for my own beer. People told me that I should use my drink tickets - nobody would care - but I would care so I bought my own beers.

Just wanted to write something today. This is a pretty boring entry I guess.

Oh yeah I stopped at Rich O's on the way home and had a Spezial Rauchbier. Tried to text-message RealTrainGirl to see if she was stopping by but got no answer.

So not the best of days for me.

It shows up nearly every day after work. I sit at Rich O's and have myself a beer. My thoughts start to wander.

They always head in the same direction, during those times when I'm halfway between my work life and my home life. When I've let my mind relax for the first time all day. My thoughts start to wander and before I know it this gorilla is right there next to me again.

The last few weeks have been better though. It hasn't seemed quite so obnoxious. I don't know if I've become more accustomed to its presence or if I've just gotten better at ignoring it. Hardly noticed it at all while I was in Las Vegas. That was a great relief.

Today was a bad day. It kept waving my phone in my face, urging me to do that which I cannot do.

Must. Not. Do.

It's standing behind me now, tapping me on the shoulder, grunting in my ear. Tonight all it wants is attention. I can acknowledge it and perhaps pet it a little, just let it know that I haven't forgotten about it. I can handle nights like this.

It's those times, like this evening after work, times when simple attention is not enough - those times are tough. The toughest was that night a few weeks ago when I tried to kill it. In a moment of total desperation I used my secret weapon and tried to completely destroy this pitiful thing that meant no harm to me at all, this wretched manifestation of my own emotions.

I tried to destroy it, but it turned out to be stronger, much stronger, than I'd feared. It heard the words that were supposed to kill it and instead they just bounced off. My most powerful weapon, my most potent poison, had no effect on it whatsoever.

It's stronger than I'd thought, but it's not stronger than me. I may not be able to get rid of it, or even placate it completely, but I will not give in.

I will not give in.