I seem to have lost the ability to take naps. I don't really count what happened Friday evening - that wasn't so much a nap as it was a collapse.

For the last week or two or three - it's all a blur, I've settled onto my couch after work, called for my cat Buddy (who always takes a nap with me) and waited for sleep that never comes. Sleep does not come to me, only thoughts of drowning.

This was again the case yesterday, after I got home from Jeffersonville. I was as tired as I can ever remember being, but sleep was beyond me. So, I went to my sister's party earlier than I'd expected.

It was a pleasant enough event. Crowds are never my thing, though. Everybody knows that. Usually I'll sit at these things and I'll talk to one or two people exclusively for hours. Last night that didn't seem to be an option. Dina was busy being hostess with the mostest. BadPickleGirl was not coming, despite my calling her and pretty much begging her to do so. SpoonsGirl was in a crappy mood, and Eric and Teri were AWOL.

So I was left with the crowd. All good people, certainly. But they're Dina's people, not mine.

I lost count of how many times I caught myself wondering if LaptopGirl would have joined me, had I specifically invited her. My estimate is that I wondered that about a million times.

Anyway, to drink I had a couple bottles of Spezial (1886) and a bottle of Newcastle (10396). I sat with the crowd and tried to not seem like too much of a weirdo. I petted the cat, a lot. I glared at my phone, a lot.

At one point I noticed that my table had become besieged by women. All that estrogen. I began to feel a strange urge to ask for directions and make doilies, so I moved to their new tiki bar and joined the guys. There, of course, everyone talked about hunting.

I came home at 10:00 or so. I sat on my swing and had a yummy Marzen (4585). And I glared at my phone, a lot.

It's hard for me, sometimes, to think about things not directly related to myself. To remember those times which, were I a much lesser man, I might deem irrelevant.

But I am not a lesser man. And these particular memories are effortless. All I have to do is relax, for just a second. I absolutely remember that terrible morning, which followed that terrible night. I remember that phone call. I remember the looks on everyone's faces once I got to my sister's house. I remember the days and weeks that followed. I remember the shock and the disbelief that somehow still manage to crush me whenever I find myself distracted.

I think I'm sad about my own petty problems of lost loves?

My problems are the ones that are irrelevant. Just ask my sister. She fucking knows what's relevant.

I have his picture on my refrigerator. Cory and his sister and his brother. Every time I get something to drink, I see his face. Every single time.

It's been almost a year now.

Plans quickly changed, as they are so often wont to do.

Instead of HatGirl and I going to look at diamonds then having lunch, It ended up being HatGirl and LuckyFucker going to look at diamonds, then joining me for lunch. I was still invited to go to the diamond thing, but I didn't want to feel like a third wheel all day long.

So, suddenly finding myself with an extra hour to kill, I went to Sportstime. It had been a week since I'd been to the NABC complex, and I was hopeful that Marzen might finally be back on tap.

But nooooooo!

So instead I had myself a nice Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier (2554) and I talked to MisunderstoodGirl as she scurried between the kitchen and her assigned tables.

Then I went over to Buckhead in Jeffersonville. Actually, first I poked my head into the Hooters there to see if my cousin Jeff was there. He wasn't, so I went to Buckhead then.

HatGirl and LuckyFucker were, of course, late in arriving. I guess I'm used to that, and this time it wasn't their fault. A diamond emergency made them late.

Once they arrived, we sat out on the deck and ordered lunch. For some reason, even though there were about 10 open tables out there, the hostess sat us right next to the only other occupied table. It was really strange. It was also quite annoying, and HatGirl especially didn't like it. So we ended up picking up our shit and moving inside.

That HatGirl is so anti-social sometimes. That's why we get along so well I guess.

And one of the waitresses kept giving me the stink-eye. Probably one of MixedSignalGirl's friends. (About your height, Miss. Maybe about 32 years old. With long dark hair in a pony tail. She kinda looked familiar.)

Oh yeah, with my lunch I had a Franziskaner Hefe-Weissbier (24). I would have had a Paulaner, but they were out, the fuckers.

Then once lunch was over I stuck my head back into Hooters. Jeff was there this time, but he was surrounded by a bunch of high-fiving white guys, so I quickly said hello and then came home.

I get to go see HatGirl now and look at diamonds and maybe have lunch!

Yay!

This stupid cursor keeps blinking at me, taunting me. Daring me to write something. When I press the keys, the letters appear, and the blinking stops. Until I stop pressing keys, then it starts again.

Each blink marks another wasted second. Another lost moment in which I could have written something, but didn't. Another moment that I'll never get back.

---

I really have a bad case of cabin fever right now. I've got to get out of this house, but I don't seem to be able to find the motivation to leave. It's like, I want to be somewhere else, but I don't want the hassle of actually going. And I can't decide where I want to be.

Actually, that's not right. I know exactly where I want to be. But that's not an option. And so I'm faced with a million lesser choices.

---

Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink.

---

Maybe after I take a shower I'll be more motivated.

It doesn't make any sense that I'm as exhausted as I am right now. I mean, I took a four-hour nap that ended only four hours ago.

So I slept too long, and when I woke up, I didn't feel like going to my stupid high school reunion. So, I didn't go. What I did instead was sit on my swing and drink a couple beers and watch some lightning. I think I made the right decision, though I imagine that I'll probably regret skipping the reunion at some point.

It ended up being a nice quiet Friday night. Just what I needed and wanted.

There was a bit of potential excitement for a while, when HatGirl pondered joining me for a drink or two. But then she and/or LuckyFucker pussed out, and those plans dissolved before they had fully formed.

So, to summarize, I slept for four hours, then I sat on my ass for four more hours, and now I'm exhausted.

I just had it for a second, maybe half a second, but I lost it again. That thought, that realization which just might be the key to this.

For just a brief moment, I was actually okay. I nearly stood up. But now it's gone again. And now I'm down again.

I think that very same thought right now and it feels like a lie. I realize that same realization right now, and it seems like an excuse.

Damn.

It's too hot to write anything. Maybe in the Fall, it won't be as hot.

St. Bernardus Prior 8

(bottle) Hazy brown, decent head that lasts forever. The aroma is mild, fairly malty and funky. Flavor is sharp - more hoppy bitterness than I was expecting, or desiring. Underlying flavors are raisins and a hint of coffee. This beer wasn't what I was expecting at all. Decent is all I can say.

I should really have known better than that. To write anything indicative of a crappy mood. Much better, I'm told, to just keep my big fat mouth shut. Or, better still, lie and be seen to tra-la-la my way through life.

Oh well, though. Can't be helped. I'm not deleting it now.

What I figured I'd do, instead, is write some more stuff. I figure that if I write enough it will push that drivel further and further down the page. Out of sight and therefore out of mind, because nobody ever bothers to scroll down. I mean, the scrollbar is way over there.

And, since I can't be bothered to be creative right now, I'll just post this stupid survey thingy I was messing with this morning.

Do you have any pets?
Three kitties!
What color shirt are you wearing?
Red. Who cares?
Name three things that are physically close to you:
My computer. Pictures on my cubicle wall. My phone.
What is the last book you read?
When You Are Engulfed in Flames, by David Sedaris.
Are you or were you a good student?
I was crappy in elementary school, but I made up for it later.
What's your favorite sport?
Pool. If you don't count pool as a sport, then baseball.
Do you enjoy sleeping late?
Of course.
What's the weather like right now?
Cloudy. It stormed this morning.
Who tells the best jokes?
I do.
What was the last thing you dreamed about?
I'm glad to say that I don't remember any of my recent dreams.
Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
Yes, and yes.
Do you believe in karma?
Sometimes.
Do you believe in luck?
Yes.
Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up?
Scrambled.
Do you collect anything? If so, what?
Lots of stuff.
Are you proud of yourself?
Sometimes I'm proud, other times I'm ashamed. Normal, I suppose.
Are you reliable?
Yes.
Have you ever given money to a bum?
Yes.
What's your favorite food?
I go through phases. Lately I've been on a Mexican-food binge.
Have you ever had a secret admirer?
Doubtful.
Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Stupid question. Nope.
Do like to draw?
I suck at it.
What's your favorite invention?
Like I care.
Is your room messy?
My bedroom is a mess.
What do you like better: oranges or apples?
Apples.
Do you give in easily?
Yes, except when I never give in.
Are you a good guesser?
I guessed you'd ask me that.
Can you read other people's expressions?
I'm pretty good at it, I think.
Are you a bully?
Nope.
Do you have a job?
Yep.
What time did you wake up this morning?
At 6:46, but then I hit snooze twice, so 7:16.
What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
Nothing this morning.
When was the last time you showered?
This morning.
What do you plan on doing tomorrow?
Nationwide killing spree.
What's your favorite day of the week and why?
They all suck, but I guess the weekends suck less.
Do you have any nicknames?
Probably.
Have you ever been scuba diving?
Snorkeling, yes, but not scuba diving.
What's your least favorite color?
Vomit.
Is there someone you have been constantly thinking about? If yes, who?
Duh.
Would you ever go skydiving?
Sure.
What toothpaste do you use?
I think it's some Arm & Hammer stuff.
Do you enjoy challenges?
Sure.
What's the worst injury you have had?
I broke my collarbone a couple of times when I was a kid. Almost lost my arm due to a cut when I was about 25. Most painful was when I broke my toe a couple of years ago.
What's the last movie you saw?
Jumper.
What do you want to know about the future?
Will the future ever make the present seem worth it?
What does your last text message say?
It was from God, and it said, "Fuck you, asshole!"
Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to?
Not counting work, BadPickleGirl.
What's your favorite school subject?
N/A
What's your least favorite school subject?
N/A
Would you rather have money or love?
Love.
What is your dream vacation?
I dunno.
What is your favorite animal?
Cats.
Do you miss anyone right now?
Duh.
What's the last sporting event you watched?
Part of a baseball game on TV the other day. I was bored.
Do you need to do laundry?
Always.
Do you listen to the radio?
Duh.
Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At work.
What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Kill everyone within 50 feet.
Have you ever caught a butterfly?
Probably when I was a kid.
What color are your bed sheets?
Varies. Currently light gray with dark gray stripes.
What's your ringtone?
Varies. My favorite one is the Homer Simpson woo-hoo!
Who was the last person to make you laugh?
I don't know. Probably LaptopGirl.
Do you have any obsessions right now?
Duh.
Do you like things that glow in the dark?
Depends on what it is, I suppose.
What's your favorite fruity scent?
Like I care.
Do you watch cartoons?
Only if South Park counts as a cartoon.
Have you ever sat on a roof?
Yes.
Have you ever been to a different country?
Germany and Saudi Arabia.
Name three things in the world you dislike:
Violence because of religious differences, lagers, and ignorance because of religion.
Name three people in the world you dislike:
That one fucker, that other fucker, and that dipshit.
Has a rumor even been spread about you?
Constantly. Some of them are even true.
Do you like sushi?
Not so much.
Do you believe in magic?
If magic exists it must be very subtle, or we'd know about it by now.
Do you hold grudges?
Piss me off a little, and I'm very forgiving. Piss me off too much, or too often, and I'll hold a grudge for a very long time. Forever, perhaps.