I think I must be weird or something. I think this because I realized yesterday afternoon that I actually like getting my teeth cleaned. I like the picking, and the scraping, and I even like the polish thingy.

Anyway, after my dentist appointment I took a nap, then at around 8:30 I went to Rich O's.

The place was completely packed with strangers and assholes, so I turned around and left immediately. I stood out in the parking lot and tried to decide what I should do. I could just go back home because I was pretty tired after all. I could go over to The Pub in Louisville and have some of their yummy Newcastle. I briefly considered then dismissed the idea of going to The BBC for some of their yummy porter.

In the end, all of those options seemed like too much trouble, plus my sister had told me that she might come to Rich O's, so I went back in.

For a while I just stood at the end of the bar and had Smithwick's (1172), then some strangers left the bar so I sat there and had another Smithwick's (1192).

I talked to no corporeal beings all night, even when people would come up to me I did my best to shoo them away. It was not a night for socializing.

My last two beers were in the form of bottled Newcastle (2452.) Both were absolutely yummy.

In retrospect, I should have just stayed home last night. The entire night was a waste. Even the ghost couldn't bring me out of my funk.

This time, it wasn't a chill that ran down my spine. This time, it was a vision.

Just a flash of an inkling of a hint of a face. Eyes. A smile. Sparkles.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," I said.

"Sorry I'm late," she said.

"Don't worry about it," I answered. "I wasn't even sure you'd be here tonight."

"I wanted to be here earlier," she explained, "but there were all these girls in my way."

I'd been expecting this.

"Those are just whores," I said. "You can go right by them."

"They looked mean," she said.

"It's all show," I explained. "They know who you are. What you mean to me. They'll get out of your way. And if they don't you can just go right through them. They're no match for you."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm positive," I answered. "They are nothing compared to you."

"Okay." She seemed relieved. "Did you miss me?"

"Only when I breathed," I responded.

She smiled.

I won again.

I dreamed that I was swimming upstream somewhere, and it was hard, and to keep myself focused I was singing a song to myself.

It was a fucking awesome song. Kind of hard rock with ballady parts thrown in, or maybe it was a ballad with hard rocky parts thrown in. Whatever. It was awesome.

Also, I looked up ahead of me to see where all the water was coming from, and some whore had opened the valve on a dam. And she was laughing her ass off. What a whore.

Seeing the future is easy when you've seen it all before. And for years and years, this particular scenario is pretty much all I saw. All I lived.

It'll be fun. It'll be relaxing. It'll let me feel more like myself. Instead of like this cowering pussy I've been feeling like lately. I'll be able to coast through this. If I were an actor, then I'd say that this is the role I was born to play.

I can see exactly how the next six months are going to play out. I don't need a crystal ball, or tarot cards, or fucking tea leaves. I'm no withered old hag, I'm just a guy with a pretty good memory. So I know what's going to happen, because it's already happened so many times before.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Even though it might not seem like I'm enjoying myself, don't be fooled. Even though I'll start throwing words like slut and whore around, even though it'll seem like I'm pretty much miserable at times, even though you might feel this motherly urge to snap me out of it and to try to make me feel better - don't bother.

I'll be fine.

I'll be having fun.

I'll be myself again.

Today is moving day at work.

They're taking my entire (IT) department and moving us downtown, and today is my team's turn.

I've been looking forward to the move, for various reasons, not the least of which is that I'll be closer to MixedSignalGirl. So we could do lunch or whatever if we ever get our collective shit together.

I'm not exactly holding my breath though.

Anyway, I'm still sitting at home right now. No sense rushing in to work at the crack of 8:00 when none of my stuff has been moved to the new building yet. So I've been working on some security documentation. It's just incredibly fun stuff. Not.

Remember a while back when I wrote that my wants were wandering aimlessly because my needs had been met? The problem with that is that I knew my wants would fixate on the first thing they bumped in to. Yeah, well that's happened now. It kinda sucks, but I'm used to it.

I'm not much of a poetry person, but I really love this snippet from Rupert Brooke.

When two mouths, thirsty each for each, find slaking,

I need a really good slaking.

A nice little daydream. That's all it is.

No way I'd ever actually do anything to maybe help bring it to fruition.

Because, that would be hard. And stuff. And risky. And stuff.

I dream of starting over. Leaving all of this (*wide sweeping gesture*) behind and just going to wherever my heart leads me.

Funny how I used the word wherever. Almost sounds random, doesn't it?

Well random happened a long time ago. One thousand one hundred and forty-eight days ago. Random is over. Done. Kaput. Finished. Obsolete. History. You get the idea.

So anyway, I dream of going there and then the dream gets pretty fuzzy.

It's still a nice little daydream though.

That's the subject of some SPAM I got today.

Now I don't work in sales, but I really don't think insulting a potential customer from the get-go is the best approach.

Plus, I'm neither of those things.

The minutes take eternities to pass, but somehow the years rush by.

Two years have passed in the blink of a teary eye.

I never thought it would happen. I fought for so long, I convinced myself that I was winning. I faked a smile for so long, I convinced myself that I was happy. I fell for so long, I convinced myself that I was flying.

I never thought it would happen. I never thought it could happen.

But it did.

Splat!

My world still reverberates from the force of that impact.

I don't want to say any more.

I've already said too much, yet I could never never never say enough.

Those two words would lead to those three words would lead to a billion more words, and still it would not be enough.