So I'm not in the best of moods right now.

Hard to believe, I know. I'm usually nothing but giggles and grins and I shit fluffy bunnies.

I don't know what that means.

After work I went by Rich O's. SassyGirl's Gay Night thingy is really picking up steam, and I'm not needed there anymore. In fact, I'm quite literally in the way. I realized this fact pretty quickly, so I just had myself a Dark Horse Tres Blueberry Stout (80) and then left.

I didn't even bother to say goodbye to anyone. I do that sometimes, partly because I'm a dick, but mostly because I don't want to have to explain myself and my mood when a bunch of strangers are sitting around listening.

Right now would be a good time to have a million dollars. Quite unlike all those other times when having a million dollars would just suck. If I had it right now, I'd go somewhere. I don't know where I'd go, but I'd just disappear for a while. No cell phone. No laptop. No nothing. I was reading another journal today in which the guy wrote about maybe going to Russia or Japan. The idea the guy had was to just get away from everything - including the language and the cultures that he's accustomed to.

It sounded like a good idea to me. But, then again, a lot of things sound like a good idea until you actually do them.

I did think about traveling a lot today. Easter weekend is coming up, and I'll be going somewhere for that. I don't have a fucking clue where though. I think about maybe going back to Portland, or maybe New York City, or maybe even Niagara Falls. I also think about going to Myrtle Beach, and that's probably my leading choice right now, though I don't know why.

In the Fall, I really think that I want to go to Hawaii. I've been saving my miles up for years. First, I saved enough for a trip for one, then I saved up enough for a first-class trip. Next, because I used to be an actual optimist if you can believe that, I saved up enough for two people to take the trip.

See, the idea was that I'd have someone special to go with me.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I kill me.

I guess I could go to Hawaii by myself, and that way I could also go to Jamaica or something. Or Europe.

My company has offices all over the world. I've hinted several times that I'd like a chance to be on a team that visits these offices someday. Maybe I should hint more strongly.

I could go to Australia and find out what happened to Jodie.

I could go to London and try to find EnglishGirl.

I could get the fuck away from my life here for a while. That's the most important part.

A few months ago, I asked myself this question:

Now that I know what I'm really capable of feeling, will I ever be willing to settle for anything less?

Perhaps an unfortunate choice of words, as several readers pointed out, but I chose them deliberately, and I stand behind them even now.

For I experienced the pinnacles of both sorrow and joy, often at the same moment. I know, I fucking know, that I'll never experience any emotion as strongly again. For if I do, then I'm done for.

I'm thinking right now that it's a good thing that the heart has no memory of its own.

What the heart experiences, it's up to the brain to remember. And that memory is not even close to perfect. So I remember everything that I went through, but only from a sort of third-person perspective.

I remember pain, but I can't relive it even if, during some episode of insanity perhaps, I decide that I want to relive it. I remember love, but I can't cue it up and replay it on those lonely nights when the only thing darker than the moonless and overcast sky is the center of my soul.

It's like looking though an old photo album. Those images may evoke emotion, but it's new emotion, diluted and deflated and diminished by the simple fact that it's not happening now.

To feel something and to have felt something. A simple shift in tense, that's all. But that's enough. That's enough to make a difference, and that difference is also enough. Enough to give me a glimmer of hope for the future. Enough to keep me from shutting down for good. Enough to keep me searching for someone special, and to prevent me from simply giving up.

Enough to give me an answer to my question.

So, was settle the wrong word to use? Was less too abrupt a dismissal for feelings that may not surface for years, if at all?

Perhaps, and perhaps.

But it's not the question that's important. Only the answer matters.

And the answer is yes.

I keep thinking up all these great ideas for something to write about.

I know they're great ideas, because I've had them before, and I've written them down in this journal before.

What I need is a new idea, but the only one I've had recently is still rattling around in my head. It's trying to get out, but I'm keeping it locked up for a while longer.

Meanwhile, I feel like I could make an entire entry that consisted of nothing but links to old entries.

That would probably be boring.

It would certainly be lazy.

Maybe I should take a writing class. Do I really need all these single-sentence paragraphs?

I doubt it.

Maybe I'll drink that last Alaskan Smoked Porter from my fridge. Maybe that'll jog something loose in my head.

Something new, I hope.

Man, what a fucking study in contrast Saturday was.

I didn't want to go anywhere, but I did. I went to Rich O's. I'm not really sure why, but if pressed, I'd have to say that it was because something deep inside me wanted HatGirl to see me in my new glasses and melt with desire.

I'm probably not supposed to say that, but it's okay, because it didn't happen anyway.

First things first, though. I had to get something to eat.

I was on my way to Burger King, and SassyGirl called me. She was thinking about maybe considering coming out. I told her that I was unfit for company, but that it would still be nice to see her if she thought that she could put up with my moodiness. I also promised to let her know if I left Rich O's early, so she wouldn't have to make the long drive, from her home on the dark side of the Moon, for naught.

When I got to Burger King, there were about 11,000 old people in line to order. To make a long story short, I didn't stay. I found myself wanting to say mean things to the old people. Things like, "Please either die or order something already."

Instead of being mean to the old people, I went to Wendy's instead. Yummy. While I was at Wendy's SassyGirl called me to tell me that her girlfriend had unexpectedly gotten off work, so she wouldn't be coming out after all.

When I got to Rich O's. I got to park in the main parking lot again. This is not as exciting when it happens on Saturday as it is on Friday, but it was still pretty cool.

So I went in, and I sat at the bar. In the same seat I'd occupied Friday night, in fact. There were some strangers in the living room area, and a bunch of PBDs in the red room, but that was it. And that was fine with me. I didn't want any company, and I was pretty sure that any company wouldn't want me.

I had myself a Dark Horse Tres Blueberry Stout (60), which was quite good. So good, in fact, that I originally envisioned drinking nothing else all night.

But anyway.

After I'd sat for a while, and enjoyed the solitude, HatGirl sent me a picture of her new dog, and told me that she wasn't coming out. I felt both relief and sadness. Relief because I wouldn't have to feign humanity, and sadness because, well, you know why.

My second beer was an NABC Old Lightning Rod (150). It was also yummy. Anyone that doesn't like it sucks, and anyone that doesn't wish they'd put it on their regular beer rotation also sucks.

I spent quite a bit of my time at the bar trying to let my imagination conjure up suitable company for me. It didn't work though. The image I kept coming up with kept dissolving before I could get any enjoyment out of it. This is progress, I think.

At one point, the strangers left the living room area, so I went and sat on the throne for a while. It was quite boring, and nobody joined me (maybe because I was glaring at everyone that even looked like they were even thinking about sitting down), and I ended up moving back to the bar after about an hour.

Maybe 8.4 seconds after I'd moved back to the bar, the night took a change for the better.

I looked back and ElPresidente and FirstLady were sitting in the living room area. I moved my shit over there, and bullshitted with them for quite a while.

After a while, MusicalHippyDude, GlassesGirl, and HotRedHeadGirl came over and sat with us.

HotRedHeadGirl actually grabbed my arm and made it a point to tell me that she liked my glasses. So she made about the fourth person who's even noticed the things since I got them. It was cool though.

The remainder of the night I spent in a much better mood.

I had one of these:

Aecht Schlenkerla Rauchbier Weizen (17)

(bottle) The first thing I noticed was the color. Very dark - almost like a porter. Not what I was expecting from a weizen. The entire beer, in fact, was not what I was expecting. Instead of toning down the smoke to keep a fair balance with the light-flavored wheat, they left the smoke intact. The result was a smoke beer, with no hint at all of its wheat heritage. This is not to say that I didn't like it, because I did. I just didn't like it as much as I expected to.

Oh yeah, WomanRepellant came in tonight, just as I'd known he would. The guy just cannot hold a grudge.

Also, I got to talk with SpikeBoy for a bit. He was out in the front area with his new girlfriend.

I saw EuchreGirl, but I couldn't get her attention to say hello.

I think that's about it. The entire night was enjoyable. The first half because I was able to have some privacy, and the second half because I was able to talk to some people that I don't get to talk to that much lately.

Maybe I'd have been better off in Indianapolis or St. Louis, but maybe not. It was an okay night.

This sucks.

I was supposed to go somewhere today. Another city perhaps. But all I did was shoot pool and watch TV and read and take a nap.

Now I've got to go to Rich O's and try to fool people into thinking that I'm worthy of human companionship.

If I was in Indianapolis, or St. Louis, and I got text messages asking if I was going to Rich O's, I could have responded, "I can't come tonight. I'm in Indianapolis, or St. Louis."

But nooooooooooooooooo!

I have to be a lazy fuck that doesn't even leave his house all day, forget about actually going somewhere interesting.

Tonight was a blessed relief, especially compared to the last few Fridays.

I arrived at Rich O's a little before 9:00 and, get this, I got a fucking parking spot in the fucking main lot!

This was a huge deal to me. I didn't have to park at Kroger. I didn't have to park at the employment services agency. I didn't even have to park at the catering place. I parked right in the Rich O's parking lot. For probably the first time on a Friday night, since the year 345,555 B.C.

I parked in the main lot, just like a regular person.

So I went in, and I did my usual hot girl inventory.

Nada.

Next, the asshole inventory.

That FuckingAssholeThatIHate was sitting on the sofa. Other than that, it seemed safe. It seemed good, in fact.

Finally, the friend inventory.

Nada to get excited about. MusicalHippyDude was sitting at the island, with his usual posse of PBDs, and WomanRepellant was sitting at the bar.

I sat at the bar, next to WomanRepellant. He was in a shitty mood, as usual. This time it was because he'd been beerless for like 10 minutes. He became convinced that all of the bartenders hated him, and he left after muttering, "Fuck this place. This place sucks."

He'll probably be back tomorrow. WomanRepellant has a very low threshold for thirst, but an even lower grudge-holding capacity.

I had, of course, looked at the beer board when I first went in. I hadn't seen anything interesting, so I ordered an NABC Old Lightning Rod. The bartender mentioned to me that the long-awaited blueberry stout was on tap. I hadn't seen it on the board, but I had definitely been waiting for it, so I had one:

Dark Horse Tres Blueberry Stout (20)

(draft) A stout, not just an ale, which was news to me. I didn't get much of an aroma from this, and the blueberry flavor was more subtle that I was expecting. The blueberries showed up mostly in the finish, which had absolutely no trace of bitterness. The undertones were mostly roasted malt, and the flavor slanted a tad more towards coffee than chocolate. A very good beer, worth the wait.

I sat at the bar all night, even though that fucking shithead that made LaptopGirl cry left fairly early, so I could have moved over to the sofa. I was enjoying the privacy that's been to hard to come by on recent Fridays. I did send a text message to HatGirl telling her about the Blueberry Stout (I got no response), but that was pretty much the extent of my social interactions.

It was nice.

I had a second blueberry stout (40), and I began to wonder about the ABV in the thing. It seemed to be fairly strong, at least by the way it was affecting me.

I've since checked it out on the Internet and I see that it's a whopping 4.5% ABV. So I am a pussy, apparently, because I stopped after that second pint.

So I left Rich O's a little after 11:00, and I went over to this Mac's place that I don't like. MisunderstoodGirl supposedly hangs out there, but she wasn't there tonight, so I left without drinking anything.

Then I came home.

Tonight, though boring on the surface, was pretty much exactly what I needed. I'm pretty sure that I'm not fit for human company right now, so tonight was, as I said earlier, a blessed relief.