This isn't going to work. But I guess I'll try. I said that I would, after all.

My brain is useless right now. Too much NABC Cone Smoker (6028). So I'll let my fingers do the writing. Such as it will probably be.

That last sentence made perfect sense to me, by the way.

I'm supposed to write about faith. This is, believe it or not, something with which I am intimately familiar.

Because I fucking have it.

Not in a supreme being, like too many of my friends. Not in karma, like a lot of my more hippiefied friends. And not even in myself, as I'm so often urged to do.

Fuck that. Who am I to deserve such consideration? Such faith?

I believe in one thing. I trust in one thing. I live for one thing. I have faith in one thing.

Love.

Weird, I know.

But it's never wavered, not even once, not even a little bit. Everything else stands on wobbly legs and sways dangerously and threatens to collapse and kill and maim, but love is a fucking rock. It's a rock shored up by other rocks, defended by more rocks, and camouflaged by even more rocks.

I know, that's a stupid series of metaphors. But it's about as true as my fingers can type right now.

People look at me, quite often, like I'm crazy. It used to bother me. But now, now I think they're just jealous.

Because, no matter how unwarranted or undeserved or unjustified or just plain silly and stupid this might be, it's still more real than anything most of those other people have ever experienced.

And it will continue. It will remain. It will last until, eventually, sooner or later, it will be my dying thought.

I have zero doubt about this. This will happen. I have faith in it.

So there.

I dreamed that I was asleep on my couch. Or, maybe it was my grandmother's couch. It's hard to tell, all those dream couches look alike. Plus, it was night in my dream.

In my dream, I heard a noise. Just a noise, no more describable than that. I opened my eyes just in time to see somebody walk up to the couch and crash a baseball bat down on my head.

Ouch.

I felt every bit of the pain from that blow, just before I blacked out.

Okay, this is just about the best use of the internet that I've ever seen.

Go, and read the whole thing. You won't be disappointed.

When I told RockGirl that I'd gotten a permanent job offer today, and that I'd accepted it, she replied with, "Yay, I guess."

By the way, I italicized that word above because, as I learned a little over a year ago, permanent doesn't really mean what people think it means.

Anyway, I knew exactly what RockGirl meant.

After exhaustive research, I have determined that money is a good thing to have. But, another thing that's good to have is tons of freedom.

Sometimes, you can't have them both. Sometimes, you have to choose.

And, since my grand lottery plan never did work out, I had to choose. I chose money, and everything that comes with money. Food, housing, etc.

Plus, I'm really excited about this job. I know, everybody says that, but I really am.

I get so tired at around this time every night.

"Fine," I say. "I'll just go to sleep and then wake up at a resonable time tomorrow morning. It'll get my schedule back to normal. It'll be awesome."

But noooooooooooooooo!

If I go to sleep now, then I'll suddenly find myself wide awake around midnight, scratching my head and wondering what it was that woke me up so completely.

And then I'll be up until 6:00 or so tomorrow morning.

The thing is, this has been an utterly relationship-changing event. Perhaps even a relationship-destroying event.

Why am I the only one who see this?

And I don't normally believe in slippery slopes, but this one is totally frictionless!

Why am I the only one bothered by this? Why am I the only one devastated by this.

She would probably say she's just being optimistic, but the truth is that she is being very naive.

I guess I always think it's funny when people read what little I allow myself to post here and they think they're experts on my life and thoughts. Either that, or it pisses me off. I forget which.

I took a walk. Not a long one, maybe just a couple of miles. To the end of my road and back. It was a little chilly, and a little drizzly at times, but it was still nice. As an unexpected bonus, I got to pet a kitty in the gas station parking lot.

I never did get anywhere, though. Not really.

RockGirl was telling me about a movie she'd seen, with a quote that went something like, "half the people are running toward happiness, and the others are running away from sadness."

I like that quote. I'm not really sure where I fit into it. Usually I feel like I'm just spinning in place. Sometimes I get dizzy.

I think that tonight, I was walking away from something. I had two ideas for blog entries. I didn't really want to write either of them. Both are bad ideas, but both need to be said.

I walked, like I said, for a couple of miles. It wasn't nearly far enough. I never escaped these ideas. They followed me. They're still here.