I'm going back to Las Vegas in December! I'm quite excited about this because I'd thought that my trip there this past May would be my only one this year.

I didn't say that it would be a long entry.

I've said it before. It's hard to think of something to write when I'm in a good mood.

Today, I'm in a good mood. Knowing this, you may be able to deduce that I'm having a hard time thinking of something to write about.

No shit, Sherlock.

Oh, I could just write about why I'm in a good mood. That would be a hoot, I'm sure. But then people would start PMing me and calling me an asshole and telling me how stupid and immature I am...

I already know all that stuff. So I'm not going to say why I'm in a good mood.

What I'll do instead, and this has become my standard fallback method when I can't think of anything better to write about, is I'll write about my weekly horoscope from Free Will Astrology:

Dave, You don't need to know how your computer and car work in order to use them. Their inner workings may be unfathomable to you, Dave, but that doesn't matter as long as you benefit from what they do for you. Let's apply that same principle to a certain relationship that is perplexing you, you nitwit. Dave, You obviously get something out of your alliance with this person, since you've chosen not to leave it. Yet you seem bothered by the fact that you can't figure out what you are to each other and where you're supposed to go next. My advice to you, Dave? For now, stop trying to understand it. Just surrender to the fruitful mystery. Simply let your connection perform its enigmatic magic, Dave.

I was actually thinking along very similar lines the other night. No, really. I was. I do have thoughts every now and then. No, really. I do.

Too often we seem to have this need to explain every little twist and turn in our lives and in our emotions. The only good mystery is a solved mystery. The only good predicament is one that we've already wormed ourselves out of. The only good emotion is one that's been analyzed and categorized and just basically had all of the life sucked right out of it.

"Bullshit!" I say.

Talking with my friend the other night, I could almost hear the gears turning away in her head as she tried valiantly to make some sense of what I was telling her. I'd say something, and her head would shake. I'd say something else, and her eyes would roll back in her head. I'd answer one of her questions, and her hand would fly into the air.

I may as well have been speaking gibberish to her. Nothing made any sense.

And I say that this is a good thing.

Look at all of the shit I've put myself through in the past year. If I'd figured it all out back when it first started - how much fun would that have been? How much interest would this 'blog have generated?

The answers to both questions are: Not very fucking much.

I sit here and I write about how much I want answers to my questions, but the truth is that I like being confused. I enjoy being kept in the dark about what's going on. If I knew everything, then my life would be boring, and I don't want to go back to being bored with life.

It took an awfully long time for me to find something interesting. I'm not ready to lose that mystery just yet.

People are always asking me, "Dave, you're so fucking retarded. Have you ever done anything even remotely intelligent in your entire miserable life?"

I used to answer this with a simple "Duhhhhhhhhhhh" but lately I've been able to point out that on 6/19/2005 I did indeed do something smart.

Five little words.

Is that what I want to end this with?

Not.

Will I do anything about it?

Not.

I've written before about how life provides its own metaphors.

I've had the perfect metaphor staring me in the face for months.

Well, maybe not staring me in the face. Sitting in my backyard, actually.

That damn hole!

It's the perfect metaphor for what's been wrong with me!

And now I'm in too good of a mood to capitalize on my newfound insight!

And I've also forgotten how to use paragraphs!

And I'm going to stop now!

I dumped 43 5-gallon buckets of dirt into my hole yesterday.

So, for the moment anyway, it looks a lot less like a hole and more like a patch of dirt.

But let's hold off on the celebrations for a bit, okay?

Even though I piled dirt up to ground level, I didn't even come close to actually filling the hole. Here is a highly accurate (and to scale, and beautiful) view of what I'm talking about:

See, there's an awful lot of empty space that the dirt didn't get to. I'll have to wait for a good hard rain to cause the dirt to settle some more, then I can dump more dirt into the hole.

Gives me something to look forward to.

Can i put one of your photographs on a cd cover (not to be widely distributed)

I'm tempted to just reflexively say "Yes!" but I guess I should ask which image you're wanting to use first. Please let me know.

I wrote last night that I'd had a relaxing night, but that was really simplifying things. Taken as a whole, it was quite relaxing, but parts - especially the first couple of hours - were just exhausting.

I found myself fighting the same old assumptions, the same old explanations, the same old bullshit that I've been fighting for over a year now. It was nice to finally be talking with someone that was actually listening to what I was saying, so I at least felt like there was a chance that I'd be able to get my points across, but it really was pretty tiring.

I'd talk about some small part of this complicated mess that I'm in, and, whenever I'd seemingly contradict something I'd said earlier, RealTrainGirl's eyes would just light up. Ah ha! She'd caught me!

Not.

Because things haven't just been complicated. They've also been ever-changing. Evolving and devolving. Like my mood, my desires and my needs have been constantly reacting to events, thoughts, and realizations.

RealTrainGirl just could not seem to understand why I left Rich O's Friday night. She just could not seem to understand why I didn't want to go there last night. I mean, she understood the reasons I was giving her, but I don't think she believed me, and she kept trying to propose her own explanations.

Like I said, things are complicated. There are several reasons that I did what I did, but the main reason is the same one that's been driving me since all this started.

This is now, and has always been, my problem. Not LaptopGirl's problem. Not our problem. I'm the one that screwed up, and I'm the one that should have to face the consequences.

At times during all this, I've been completely taken over by emotions. They overwhelm me and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. If I had stayed at Rich O's on Friday, I would have been overwhelmed. I would have lost control. I would have said or done something stupid, and I'd probably have upset LaptopGirl. Or at least made her very uncomfortable.

I'd have made it her problem, and that's something that I just cannot let myself do. So I got the hell out of there before it got to that point. My leaving like that may have bothered her a little, but I had very little time to choose the lesser of two evils.

Now, on Saturday night, I didn't want to go to Rich O's. Explaining that proved to be a little more difficult.

She did not come back to New Albany to see me. I also seriously doubt that she came back to get upset, or to feel uncomfortable.

I've been assuming that this is simply a visit. That she'll be returning to her new home, and that I can once again begin putting myself back together. If she's in town visiting, then it seems to me that the least I can do is stay away. Let her spend time in her old hangout without having to worry about me and my feelings. Like I said, it's my problem.

RealTrainGirl just didn't seem to accept this explanation. She just didn't seem to understand why I couldn't just go to Rich O's last night and be a normal person.

News flash: I haven't been a normal person in a long time. Not when it comes to LaptopGirl. My emotions are not hooked up to a switch. I cannot simply turn them off when they become inconvenient.

And what if I'm wrong? What if this isn't simply a visit? What if it's permanent?

Well then I'll have a tough decision to make.

I once wrote an entry wherein I said that all I wanted was two seconds. Well, Friday was my chance, and, as it turned out, two seconds would have been an eternity. Long enough to obliterate me all over again.

I got out in time, this time. I saw the meteor streaking toward me, and I only got a glancing blow. I can't count on being that lucky forever though. So, if this visit is more than a visit, I'll have to make a choice.

I'll need to either grow up or give up.

Tonight RealTrainGirl and I went back to The Cumberland Brewpub in Louisville. I'd been wanting some more of their porter, and she was looking for something to do on her night off. Rich O's was out of the question, so to Louisville we went.

We ended up having a couple of the Nitro Porters each while I attempted to explain what's been going through my head lately. I'm pretty sure that I failed, but I did manage to get the main point across. I hope.

When we were nearly done with our second beers, the waitress brought us a couple bowls of ice cream that had been made with the porter. At first I thought the waitress was flirting with me, but after a bit I decided that she was actually flirting with RealTrainGirl. Oh well.

Anyway, the vanilla version of the ice cream tasted like - get this - vanilla ice cream. Just like you'd find at any grocery store. I tried pouring some of my beer over it, and that made it taste better.

The chocolate version of the ice cream was quite yummy. The porter flavor was very apparent.

Next we went to this place called Flanagan's where we both had just one beer:

Beamish Irish Stout (16)

(can) Nice and creamy, though that could have been because of the widget. Compared to Guinness, a little sweeter, with a subtle chocolate flavor instead of coffee. I liked it, and would probably like it more if I could ever find it on tap.

That was it. We had a nice relaxing evening. Much better than if I'd just sat at home feeling sorry for myself.

I guess that's it.

I very nearly stayed home all night last night.

I wanted to go have a beer, but going to the dentist messed up my jaw. I was just in terrible pain, and could hardly move my mouth at all. That'll teach me to get a cavity in a back tooth. It's just too hard for the dentist to reach back there without nearly breaking my jaw to do it.

So by the time the Novocain wore off my tooth wasn't hurting at all, but my jaw was just killing me. I still wanted to go out, but first I had to eat something. I nuked some cheese bread and somehow managed to get it down by taking small bites and only using the right side of my mouth. It was still excruciating though.

I got to Rich O's a little bit before 10:00 and grabbed a seat in the living room area next to some people I don't know.

To drink, I had myself a Baltika "6" Porter. I cannot stress enough how much I like this beer. I may just marry it.

The people in the living room area kept trying to suck me into their conversation. I was in no mood for it, so I moved to the bar and began trying to decide what my next beer would be. I was leaning toward another Baltika but something even stronger might have helped ease the pain in my jaw, so I was considering some Belgians.

What was left of me didn't even think. I got the hell out of there as quickly as I could.

Some people are just good. Some people will always be there for you when you need them. No matter how much pain you've caused them in the past. No matter how much pain you promise for the future. When you need them, they come through for you , no questions asked, and no expectations.

I'm not one of those people. I wish I was, and I'm closer to it than most people I know, but I'm not one of them.

Last night, when I left Rich O's, I went to see one of these good people.

I didn't have to say a word. MixedSignalGirl could see it in my face. She knew that I wouldn't just show up like that unannounced. She knew what had happened, and she pulled me to her.

Driving home this morning, I found myself wondering just what we'd done to deserve each other.

I must have done something really wonderful.

She must have done something terrible.

I will never understand what she sees in me. I will never be able to give her what she deserves. But I will also never forget last night, and I will be her friend for as long as she'll let me.