Going to try something here. First I need some text.

I think the nation lost a great man in Ronald Reagan. I don't say this because he was the first man I ever voted for (which he was). I don't say this because he was instrumental in bringing The Cold War to an end (which he was). I don't say this because he seemed like a hell of a nice guy (which he did). I say this because of the optimism he had about the country he led. He truly believed that America was a great country, and that Americans were right to be proud of her. I'd think a lot more of today's politicians if they'd show just a little bitof that optimism instead of telling us that America is spiraling down the toiletand they're the only hope for a recovery. It pisses me off to no end to think of the ultra-liberals, hating Reagan for no reason other than his political party affiliation, furiously masturbating to the images of his flag-draped coffin.

I think the nation lost a great man in Ronald Reagan. I don't say this because he was the first man I ever voted for (which he was). I don't say this because he was instrumental in bringing The Cold War to an end (which he was). I don't say this because he seemed like a hell of a nice guy (which he did). I say this because of the optimism he had about the country he led. He truly believed that America was a great country, and that Americans were right to be proud of her. I'd think a lot more of today's politicians if they'd show just a little bitof that optimism instead of telling us that America is spiraling down the toiletand they're the only hope for a recovery. It pisses me off to no end to think of the ultra-liberals, hating Reagan for no reason other than his political party affiliation, furiously masturbating to the images of his flag-draped coffin.

I think the nation lost a great man in Ronald Reagan. I don't say this because he was the first man I ever voted for (which he was). I don't say this because he was instrumental in bringing The Cold War to an end (which he was). I don't say this because he seemed like a hell of a nice guy (which he did). I say this because of the optimism he had about the country he led. He truly believed that America was a great country, and that Americans were right to be proud of her. I'd think a lot more of today's politicians if they'd show just a little bitof that optimism instead of telling us that America is spiraling down the toiletand they're the only hope for a recovery. It pisses me off to no end to think of the ultra-liberals, hating Reagan for no reason other than his political party affiliation, furiously masturbating to the images of his flag-draped coffin.

I think the nation lost a great man in Ronald Reagan. I don't say this because he was the first man I ever voted for (which he was). I don't say this because he was instrumental in bringing The Cold War to an end (which he was). I don't say this because he seemed like a hell of a nice guy (which he did). I say this because of the optimism he had about the country he led. He truly believed that America was a great country, and that Americans were right to be proud of her. I'd think a lot more of today's politicians if they'd show just a little bitof that optimism instead of telling us that America is spiraling down the toiletand they're the only hope for a recovery. It pisses me off to no end to think of the ultra-liberals, hating Reagan for no reason other than his political party affiliation, furiously masturbating to the images of his flag-draped coffin.

Are you out there?

Are you reading this?

Do you know what a philotic connection is?

I'm thinking about you right now.

Will you ever read this entry and recall feeling anything at 11:07 PM EDT on August 7th, 2005?

I wonder about things like this.

I wonder why I picked this moment to think about you.

Are you out there?

Do you feel anything?

I'm leaving for Boston in the morning, so I've gone ahead and updated my little map. That, and this entry, are two less things I'll have to do in the morning.

I'm looking forward to this trip. We'll arrive early enough to maybe do a little sightseeing before the Red Sox game Monday night. After the game I hope there's a little bit of time - maybe I'll check out Boston Beer Works.

Then Tuesday night will hopefully be unchoreographed so I'll get to mess around some more. Not too much though because I'm flying back early Wednesday morning.

The mind is a funny thing.

And when I say mind I mean heart and when I say funny I mean stupid.

How quickly it forgets.

I can sit here and write about pain. I can talk about pain with my friends, my family. I know pain. I remember everything. But because I don't feel it anymore, it's become something else. Just a concept. Just a memory. It's not real anymore.

I read through my old entries and I try to imagine that pain. I try, in a way, to relive it. I try to feel that way again so I don't forget completely how fucking real it all was. So I don't unlearn the lessons I paid so much for.

This conversation last night surprised me. Scared me a little.

Is feeling pain really better than feeling nothing? Was I better off before than I am now? Is anything, even if it's bad, is anything better than nothing?

I don't think so. There are worse things than nothing. At least a part of me knows that. A part of me remembers, and that part of me screams out in shock and outrage when I make statements like the one I made last night.

I hear it cry out, but I don't feel its pain. I really wish I did. I really wish I felt something. Anything at all.

Saturday night was much more bearable than Friday had been. The place was only about half full, for one thing. For another thing, there were a lot of women. I actually think they outnumbered the guys for once.

RealTrainGirl was there so went spent the first part of the night bullshitting about various fluff. I had an NABC Cone Smoker (220) to start out. MusicalHippyDude joined us and the two of us waited very patiently for this girl in the red room to turn around or stand up so we could check out her front. RealTrainGirl kept telling us that it was a guy. RealTrainGirl needs glasses.

Let's see, DooRagGirl came in and after a short while her friend HatGirl joined us as well. I had myself a couple pints of Dave's Cherry Porter (60) while I did my best to keep my eyeballs in their sockets and my tongue off the floor.

RedRoomGirl did eventually stand up, and she was indeed cute, though way too tatted up for my tastes.

After RealTrainGirl left I stuck around and had a Guinness (660) then a couple of Diet Cokes to finish the night. I like sitting with women and joining, as much as I can anyway, in their conversations. Their perspective on life in much different than what I hear from most of my guy friends. Much more balanced.

Anyway, once all of the hot girls had left it was closing time so I left before the bartenders had to turn a hose on me.

Last night I saw a friend's car in a store parking lot, so I wrote a quick little note and left it under her windshield wiper.

I guess she drove all the way home with this note - never noticing it - and then saw it this morning.

So she calls me up wondering how I knew where she lived.

She must have been imagining me skulking around her house in the middle of the night, with my pants around my ankles no doubt, peering into her windows, only pausing long enough to leave my note.

Okay, I'm going to vent a little.

These all go out to different people.

• What, I'm not good enough for your precious list? Fuck off then.
• I tried really hard to miss you tonight, but I failed. That's good, right?
• You have no idea how good it is to have you in my life. You help ground me.
• I'm beginning to see what others dislike about you.
• You're coming on a little strong. Just ease off a little and I think we can still be friends.
• I have serious concerns about your taste in men, but you still intrigue me.
• Don't fucking ask the question if you're not going to listen to the answer.

Tonight Rich O's was incredibly crowded. There were a few people that I know, but it was mostly strangers. I actually would have left after just one beer but RealTrainGirl was coming and I wanted to see her.

To drink, I started out with a Smithwick's (420), then a Baltika 6 Porter (32). While I was drinking the porter RealTrainGirl came in. She and her roommate and GreenBeerDude and I talked for a bit, though GreenBeerDude left rather abruptly, and RoommateGuy I don't know at all.

For my final full beer I had this bottle of stuff from Finland:

Kataja Olut (11)

(bottle) Zero carbonation. Zero fizz. This lack of head reminded me of every NABC beer ever made. It was a very nice copper color, and it had a very nice and sweet flavor. I'd love to try this in draft form someday, but I don't really expect that to happen. This would get a yummy rating except for its flatness.

While we were wrapping up our evening, I sampled some of RealTrainGirl's beer:

Gaffel Kolsch (2)

(bottle) A fairly standard lager. Not as fizzy as some, but not as flavorful either. Nothing special.

While I'm listing beers, I'll go ahead and describe a couple that I tried in Chicago:

Bells Oberon (5)

(draft) Bright and fizzy. This would probably be good if it was a hot enough day. Like a million degrees or something.

Goose Island 312 Urban Wheat Ale (5)

(draft) Take a light American wheat and spray lemon pledge in it. Not the worst thing I've ever tasted, but far from the best.

What the heck, I'll also list the new NABC beer that I've now tried twice:

New Albanian Phoenix Kommon (8)

(draft) No matter how hard I try, I cannot detect any aroma or flavor. All I get is a slightly drying finish.

Tonight was one of those nights that make me wonder just what the hell I'm doing. It's one thing to drift through life, but a completely different thing to live by habit and inertia. If I actually gave a shit I might start looking for other things to do on my weekends.

Fucking Hostess for putting fucking raisins in their fucking cinnamon rolls without fucking listing them on the fucking ingredients list.

God I hate fucking raisins.