Okay, I'm leaving for Cincy now.

I'd thought about updating my little location map, but it's such a short drive that I could probably be there in the time it would take to update the map.

No entries tonight. Maybe tomorrow when I get back. There'll probably be pics as well.

Go Reds!

So last weekend I had this brilliant idea.

And when I say brilliant I really mean, once again, that I'm retarded.

Luckily, the universe decided to conspire against me, and so this particular idea will not be coming to fruition. The expense of fixing my air conditioning ensures that I will not be doing anything incredibly stupid this weekend.

I don't know what I could have been thinking. I saw that guy, how pathetic he was with his hopes and his dreams, how disappointed he was when they were smashed with those words:

Well that's, um, interesting.

Yet here I was preparing to become that guy. What an idiot I am.

Last night I kicked off my long holiday weekend by (surprise!) going to Rich O's. To drink I had a Mad Bitch and then a couple Guinnii. I spent the better part of the night with Koko in the living room area, but after a while I moved over to the island and talked with some PBDs for a while.

Just going through the motions, really. Relying on reflex to mimic social interaction.

I can really feel myself pulling away from everyone. Nobody is going to make me feel better, so what good are they? They ask me what's wrong, but they don't care - they just want the dirt. They tell me to smile, but they only want that so they will feel more comfortable around me. They tell me things that are supposed to make me feel better, but they're telling me the opposite of what I need to hear.

These people don't know me. Hell, I don't know me anymore.

But I don't think that's why I'm pulling away. I think I'm pulling away because that damn meteor is coming. That volcano is rumbling. Eventually my isolation will no longer be a choice. It will be a necessity. So I think I'm trying to lessen that blow by pulling away gradually. On my own terms and at my own pace.

I'm also pulling away from myself, if that makes any sense. I can't stand this sad fucker that I become sometimes. So I look for distractions. I read a book every day, I spend time with MixedSignalGirl. I flirt with VigilanteGirl. I walk around Disney World taking pictures. I go to a Reds game in Cincinnati. I do whatever I can, whatever I can think of, to fool myself into thinking that I have other things on my mind besides you know what.

I wonder if this is how crazy people are born.

I just hate this.

I've got a four-day weekend fast approaching and I don't want to feel like I'm wasting it, but it's pretty much inevitable that I will feel that way once it's over.

Tomorrow I'm driving up to Cincinnati to catch a Reds game. I'll check out some bars, spend the night in a hotel, and drive back Saturday morning.

Then I've got this Survivor party to attend. For some unknown reason, I'm just not looking forward to this. I guess I've been hoping for a better offer, but none has come. So I'll go and try to enjoy myself.

Sunday is wide open. I imagine that I'll end up at Fourth Street Live.

None of this is what I really want to do this weekend.

What I really want to do is get into my truck, pick a direction, and just start driving. And keep driving until I find whatever it is I've been missing.

But some things are too far away for even a four-day weekend trip.

And some things are hidden so well that even I don't know what they are.

And some things don't even exist.

I just hate this.

(Update: Several people have reminded me that back in December I wrote this. To those people I respond that it's (a)Completely appropriate, and (b)A lot harder than it seems.)

Kind of a fucked up day for me.

I wasted yet another day of vacation because the repair guy (supposed to show up at noon) didn't get here until 7:00.

I watched Rob and Amber Get Married, tivoed when it originally aired but never watched. Brilliant move, that was. Watching people in love starting a new life together. Just fucking brilliant.

So eventually my A/C got fixed, and I went to Rich O's to celebrate.

The place was crowded as fuck. It was more like a Friday than a Tuesday. I text-messaged RealTrainGirl about the crowd but I guess she's joined the legion of women that are pissed at me after all. This made the third message in as many days that she's ignored. Or maybe she just hasn't been getting them. A lot of that going around lately. Fortunately for me there's currently only one woman on Earth that is capable of truly hurting my feelings, and it's not RealTrainGirl. I'm mostly invincible.

So I hadn't been in Rich O's for more than ten seconds when TallLady started in on me about smiling and why I wasn't doing it. I'm afraid I got a little gruff with her. I don't smile on command, and I told her so.

She apologized for offending me, but I told her that she hadn't offended me, she had annoyed me. If she had said "Smile, you pumpkinheaded fuck," then that would have offended me.

To drink, I had a Spezial Rauchbier. Very good as always.

Next I did some experimenting.

Dave's Double Chocolate Cherry Ale

(mixture) I mixed Bell's Cherry Ale and Young's Double Chocolate Stout in a 1-to-1 ratio. Just a fantastic combination. A nice deep red color. Chocolate flavor that's followed by a slightly sour finish. I'd definitely buy this if it was available commercially. Yummy.

Next I had the rest of the Young's, straight this time.

Next I had a pint of Guinness, for no reason other than its low ABV.

I stopped and saw VigilanteGirl on the way home. Her normal voice has returned. Oh well.

Tonight I missed her more than usual. I blame the television I watched earlier. Unfortunately, whenever I let my thoughts stray to topics like love, marriage, happiness, whatever, my imagination always reveals the same person standing next to me. This sucks, but I guess I'm getting used to it.

One interesting thing about tonight: I was talking with this dude about this girl that obviously had the hots for him. He didn't know it. Didn't want to believe it. My advice to him was to just go for it. To just grow a pair and take a fucking chance.

See, I can advocate bravery as long as it's not my own heart on the line.

I guess VigilanteGirl's ear infection has spread to her sinuses.

I certainly hope she feels better soon, but for now, WOW!

Her voice, softened and sultrified (yes, that's a word, now - I just made it up) by her condition, is now so sexy it makes me weak in the knees.

She doesn't think it sounds that great, but I assured her that no matter how bad it might sound inside her head, it sounds fantastic everywhere else.

I suggested that she record a new voice mail greeting to take full advantage of her sexy new voice. Her current greeting sounds nothing like her - more like her mom or her grandmother.

Of course, if she does change her greeting, it still won't sound anything like her once her normal voice returns. It will instead sound like one of those phone sex girls that advertise on late-night TV:

Please call me. I'll be waiting for you.

Her greeting could say:

Please leave me a message. I'll be sure and call you back. You sexy thing.

One of the most common traits of just about any personal 'blog is that nobody cares about 90% of the crap that gets posted. People may enjoy reading for the humor, or for the drama, but the actual content is actually unimportant to almost everyone except the actual 'blogger.

This entry is an example of something nobody cares about. Except me.

Yesterday I dug out an old pair of shorts, shorts with a 32-inch waistband.

I haven't been able to wear 32s in years. I've been wearing 34s and even some 35s.

But now, because of all this weight that's been mysteriously disappearing, I can wear 32s again. They actually fit, which is a lot more that I can say for the shorts I had been wearing. They kept threatening to fall right off my skinny ass.

I'd been looking like one of those damn kids I see all over, with my pants halfway down my ass. Hey, maybe all those kids haven't been showing stupid fashion sense after all! Maybe they all just lost a lot of weight!

So the good news for me (and for the ladies) is that I'm not a lardo anymore.

The bad news for me is that I only own one pair of pants that fit me. I threw all my other 32-inch pants away years ago. Then my sister dug them all out of the trash and put them in the garage for the mice to build condos in, but that's another story.

So now I've either got to go do some clothes shopping, or just start eating ice cream and cheetos again.

Back in January, I wrote about this time I drove from Seattle to Las Vegas.

One thing I didn't mention about that drive was what happened after 3:41 AM that Saturday morning.

So I'll write about it now.

At about 1:00 AM I was just barely into Nevada. I'd driven all day, and I was pretty tired. I'd read that Nevada laws allowed overnight parking on the side of the road, so that's what I did. I left the two-lane highway, drove a short distance down some unmarked gravel road, and pulled off onto the shoulder to get some sleep.

I was out almost immediately.

At 3:41 AM I woke up. The clock in my dashboard was just incredibly bright so I definitely knew what time it was. That clock is burned into my brain.

I stumbled out of the car to take a piss.

About halfway through my piss I guess I woke the rest of the way up or something, because I noticed.

The stars. Those stars are also burned into my brain.

I'd gone 28 years without ever really seeing the heavens. I guess most people go their whole lives without it. City lights brighten the night sky, drowning out all but the brightest stars. Air pollution puts a haze over everything. Most people don't even notice. Most people don't even question what they're missing.

I know, because I was one of those people. Until that night.

That night, that late hour, that remote location, that high altitude - all had combined to provide me with a display that was quite simply breathtaking. It still gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

It was like the sky had decided to show off just for me. The Milky Way, shit I still can't get that image out of my head. It was like a pearlescent scarf, stretching from horizon to horizon. Easily the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

And the colors. The night sky is not black and white. It's full of every color imaginable. You just have to see it to believe it.

On that night, at that time, beside that unnamed Nevada road, I was truly humbled for the first time. I knew then that my problems were nothing. There I was, fretting about a love that could never be, while the entire universe spread itself out before me.

I just stood there, enthralled, for hours. This was as close to a religious experience as I've ever had. I remember thinking that anything so beautiful just had to be planned. Just had to have a purpose. It was hard to accept that what I was seeing was real at all. It just couldn't be random.

When the Sun rose, and the stars dimmed, I realized that I'd been crying. For I had seen God. And He in turn had shown me myself.

Was literally on my way out the door and the repair guy finally called to tell me that he's on his way.

I certainly don't expect any actual repairs to take place tonight, but at least now he'll be able to tell me how stupid I am and how much my stupidity is going to cost me.