The other night a guy at Rich O's recommended an author (Ayn Rand) to me that I'd never read before. As I'm always looking for new people to read I made the trip to Barnes and Noble on Saturday to check her out.

Nothing by her on the shelves. I guess she's been inactive lately.

Of course that didn't stop me from spending $250 on books while I was there.

I'm with books the way some women are with shoes and some guys are with tools. I simply cannot leave a bookstore empty-handed.

These are just the books in the basement. I've got two more of these shelves, full of technical books, in my office, and another 50 or so books scattered about the house.

I will say that I've read nearly all of the fiction books. I usually go through a book a week. Right now my unread book stack has about a dozen books on it - including the six I bought on Saturday.

My temperature's been back to normal since Friday evening, but I may have had a slight relapse in the middle of the night last night.

I got a phone call from an unexpected person, and I was a little short with her.

When I got up this morning I felt guilty about it, so I picked up the phone to call and apologize.

Thanks to my phone's calls log, I saw that there was no call.

It'd been one of those feverish delusions - like what I was having Thursday when I dreamed/imagined that I went to the kitchen about a hundred times for water but I actually only made it once.

Anyway, I'm a little bored, can you tell? Just want to write something no matter how mundane.

Spent the first part of tonight listening to MixedSignalGirl spew forth some of the most screwed up logic I've ever heard.

As near as I can figure it, and my translation skills are a little rusty, I've been the victim of preemptive pout.

Also fired was a preemptive guilt trip bomb but that had no effect on me as my immunity for such things remains strong.

I guess she and I have things back to normal though. Whatever that means.

So I've mentioned before that my Uncle Wayne has a karaoke business. I've gotten into the occasional habit of going to the little bar/restaraunt where he's working just to listen to the performers.

I will not be performing myself. No thanks.

What I've noticed is that all karaoke performers fall into one of these categories:

Actually more of a Saturday beer report as Friday I stuck to Diet Coke, but let's not get too picky, okay?

Friday night I arrived late, mainly to get some food for my flu-ravaged body. The place was incredibly crowded.

Even after 10:00 it was mostly standing room only.

At one point, however, I did grab a quick seat on the loveseat and I and some people I didn't know got to comparing cell phones.

I took this picture of the cute blonde sitting on the sofa and sent it to her phone eventually. My first attempt went to some random number and some guy called me back and asked "Who's the blonde? She's hot!"

This picture was not from Friday night - it was just in my phone from the week before or something. These are a couple of my Rich O's friends.

OddlyPrettyGirl paused long enough to smile for the camera.

After I'd left Rich O's and eaten some food I felt a lot better so I went to where my Uncle Wayne does karaoke.

This is my Uncle Wayne and my Aunt Carol and some Hispanic guy that I don't know.

On Saturday I felt pretty much back to normal so I went to Rich O's and had some half-pints of several beers.

Some other stuff happened but I'm keeping it to myself.

Well I don't have mono. I went to the doctor this morning and I just have a regular flu.

This one features a fever that's lasted longer, and been higher, than anything I've been afflicted with in the past decade. Not fun. I can put up with a lot, but a high temperature is one thing that really knocks me out. It's amazing what a difference a few degrees can make.

If my temp goes back down to normal I will force myself to get to work tomorrow. It's been a pretty bad time for me to be away - as evidenced by the fact that I've had 2,356 phone calls over the last two days, while a normal two-day period would yield a total of less then a thousand.

Being sick just sucks.

Went to the store tonight and, as I pulled into the lot, I saw her car.

So I avoided the situation and went to a different store.

I'm still a little irritated over the mixed signals, plus I might have mono now and I really didn't want to have that discussion with her.

I stayed home from work Wednesday with a fever. It eased up somewhat tonight (that's when I went to the store) but last time I checked I was back to 101 so I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow. I just saw the guy Tuesday about my wrist, and I guess I could have caught something from someone in the waiting area.

Two doctor visits, for two different problems, in a three-day period.

I'm falling apart at the seams here.

(response to another message)

Yes, when I first met them I got their occupations switched around in my head. Hence TrainGirl then RealTrainGirl.

What I neglected to mention in that last rambling entry, and what will perhaps turn out to be the biggest obstacle to my new hint-taking goal, is that, right off the bat to start the new year, I'm getting very conflicting hints.

This has certainly softened my resolve a little, though I continue to be hopeful that I won't give up completely. The chance for happiness is a worthy goal after all.

One of the things I'd like to work on this year (to call it a resolution would imply a stronger, um, resolve than I actually have) is my ability (or the lack thereof) to take a damn hint from the fairer sex.

Nearly every unpleasant thing that's ever happened to me (and there have been a lot) in my dealings with women (wife, girlfriends, friends, drinking buddies) was undoubtedly preceded by a series of hints. Hints that grew stronger and more obvious until even I couldn't help but recognize them.

Most times I can think back (I do a lot of thinking back) and clearly see the trail left behind (the crumpled grass and the bent twigs and the footprints and the discarded cigarette butts) marking the path that led me to whatever mess I'm currently in. It actually seems like the more fucked up things are, the more I should have known ahead of time. Girders do not generally fall from the sky to land on a person's head, there's almost always a warning - contruction area - hardhat required sign around somewhere.

I know I absolutely could have prevented a lot of my past turmoil if I'd just been better at seeing the damn hints.

So turmoil-prevention is one thing I'd like to accomplish with my newfound hint-spotting skills, but there's actually another (and much more important in the long run) benefit that I could gain.

Not all hints are bad.

I remember sitting in a bar quite some time (many many years) ago with a friend of mine. This person was perhaps the most beautiful person (inside and out) that I'd (up to that time at least) ever known. So wonderful was this person (and so far out of my league I knew) that (though the physical attraction I felt was quite strong) I never even (seriously) considered that kind of a relationship with her.

So anyway, I'm sitting at the bar, and (out of the corner of my eye) I keep seeing her looking at me. I'd turn to her and ask, "What?" Her response (invariably) would be, "Nothing."

This happened several times (over the course of several weeks) and I remember feeling quite self-conscious. Besides, whenever she was looking at me I couldn't be looking at her and that's what I really (craved, needed, required, longed for) wanted.

Well time passed by and as relationships (even the best ones) often do, ours eventually ended. She found a (lucky bastard) soul mate and I moved on (though not for the same reason) as well.

Some time later I was talking with a (mutual) friend about the old days and the people we'd known. He hadn't known the girl as well as I had, but he did know (or claimed to know at least) something that I didn't.

She had a crush on you, you know.

My initial (and the safest) instinct was to simply laugh this off. People like that simply do not have crushes on people like me. I'm not a male model, and I'm not an asshole. I'm neither a rock star or a billionaire, or any of the dozen other types of men that women say they're not looking for but you still see them with the same types of guys again and again.

But I digress.

I told my friend that he was nuts. He countered with some very good arguments. He told me that I'd apparently been the only person in our circle that didn't (or couldn't, or wouldn't) see that she wanted (to at least try) a deeper relationship with me.

With me, of all people.

I've since talked with a few other of our mutual friends, and they actually all agree - I did have a chance at something more with that beautiful person. Nobody (at the time) could figure out why I was holding back.

Funny (ha ha, real fucking funny, Dave) thing is, I remember seeing hints from all of my friends back then, trying to push us together. I'd thought that they were trying to push her to me but it was actually the other way around. They were trying to help her by pushing me.

I wish they'd tried a little harder. A baseball bat to the head might have done the trick. I just didn't know. I hadn't dared to hope.

I didn't see the hints then, but they were there. I can almost list them in my mind as I sit here writing this entry. The coy glances, the hair shakes, the touching. Even when she began to pull away from me and my (obliviously indifferent) lack of responses, that was a hint too. That was a hint that time was running out for me. For us.

And I still didn't see it.

I started this entry writing about a certain kind of hint. The Pain-Avoidance hint, I'll call it. I need to work on my ability to recognize those. Even more, I need to work on my ability to see this other (rarer) type of hint. The Chance-For-Happiness hint.

I don't know what my old friend is doing these days. For all I know, she's googled my name and is reading this entry.

If you're out there, know this:

I had no idea. I'm sorry for your hurt feelings, and I'm sorry for my seeming indifference. I think it would have been wonderful.