What a stupid night.

I'm sitting here at 1:45 AM, watching backup jobs run. Or watching them try to run. Stupid things keep failing.

And I'm not even supposed to be on-call tonight, so it's extra stupid.

Meanwhile, I guess I'm having a bit of a crisis. So it's kind of hard to think about work.

Had a really crappy day.

Irritated, almost angry at times. One of those days when I really had to wonder why I was even bothering with anything.

Lots of things are wrong. Fuck, everything good in my life is tainted. I may be surrounded by silver linings, but today all I see are dark clouds. And, the thing is, it all boils down to one feeling. One simple emotion that trumps everything else on days like today.

Self-loathing.

For living in this cage, I hate myself. For being unable to take my own damn advice, I hate myself. For my stubborn refusal to accept reality like a man, I hate myself. For whatever it is that's wrong with me, for whatever it is that keeps me invisible, that makes me unworthy, I loathe myself.

I am so fucked.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

I guess there are about 6,700,000,000 people on Earth. Most of them are probably assholes, but I only wanted to write about one person tonight. So this entry won't be long as it could be. In fact, it will probably be quite brief.

I've kinda had these thoughts rattling around in my brain for a while. I know that they're worthy of a blog entry, but I've never been sure that I'm worthy to write that entry.

Well, I'm still unsure of my worthiness, but I'm in a very strange mood, so fuck it. I'm going to write something relevant.

The thing is, I think, that it only takes one person to change everything.

If just one person thinks that you're beautiful, you can never truly be ugly. If just one person sees the good in you, then you can never be a completely bad person. If just one person loves you, then you can never be unlovable. If just one person sits enthralled, dumbfounded, by how special you are, then you can never be ordinary. If just one person cares about you, then you fucking matter and you can never be irrelevant.

Going by the above, I am a beautiful, good, lovable, special person who matters. Seemed kind of silly to type that sentence. Seems even sillier to read it, knowing that it's about me, of all people. But there it is, and here I am.

I forget where I was going with this entry.

I got a very nice surprise today.

An unscheduled AlliDay!

I don't think I'd seen AlliGirl in over a month, and even then she'd been too busy to really talk. But today, I walked into the pub, expecting to see the same boring Wednesday people that I've been seeing for months, and instead I saw some legs. And a shock of blonde hair peeking from under a baseball cap. And, once I got close enough for her to recognize me, a mischievous grin.

AlliGirl!

And, it wasn't too busy in there today, so after the mandatory hug we got to talk for quite a bit and do some catching up.

It was really nice to see her!

Oh, yeah, I had a Newcastle (11106) for lunch.

Then, back to work.

Then, I went over to HatGirl's house to feed her cat and dogs and LuckyFucker's fish. Because they're gone. Getting married. Fucking surreal.

Anyway, HatGirl had assured me that her one asshole dog wasn't an asshole anymore. I'm not saying that she lied to me, but she was definitely mistaken. That damn dog refused to let me pay any attention whatsoever to the other dogs. It's exactly the same as it was a year ago.

And I didn't get to see the kitty at all. It was hiding from me because it doesn't know that I'm a cat person.

Then I went to Rich O's and had an Upland Wheat (231), then I came home.

Now I want to go outside and drink a Marzen but it's too damn cold. I kinda want to take a little space heater out there with me, but I'm afraid that might seem pathetic.

Maybe I'll just drink a damn beer in my living room like a regular person.

Got a quick text* from HatGirl this morning. They were getting ready to board. Their cruise. Their wedding cruise.

Surreal. The next time I see HatGirl and LuckyFucker, they will be married.

I bet that right now, Vegas oddsmakers are looking for tall buildings from which to fling themselves.

Anyway, for the next couple of weeks I am tasked with taking care of all of their critters. I'm looking forward to it, actually. I did the same thing last year, when they went on a regular non-wedding cruise. I like their dogs and their cat, and I guess the fish are cool.

This year I'm hopeful that the cat will actually let me pet it. And that none of the dogs bite me.

* - As opposed to those laboriously slow texts that take forever, I suppose.

Maybe, if I were to issue a hearty fuck you to this little censorship demon or whatever that lives inside my head and eats delicious words before I can get them written, maybe I'd write something like this.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking about some overlaps between what are otherwise two very different thoughts.

My thought
If I can just keep from ruining everything, and keep being my wonderful self in the meantime, then eventually she'll come around. And hey, even if she doesn't come around, then at least we'll get to keep hanging out.

Her thought
If Dave can just keep from ruining everything, and keep being his wonderful self in the meantime, then eventually he'll get over it. And hey, even if he doesn't ever get over it, then at least we'll get to keep hanging out.

See the overlaps? See them?!? Aren't they cool? I mean, except for the part about me ruining everything. I don't know why it's assumed that any ruination will necessarily have to be my fault.

I could probably write a long entry about this. But I won't.

Okay, so now that it's been established that my value is less than $35.00, I wonder what I am worth.

---

Not a single one of HatGirl's so-called friends showed up for her bachelorette party. I am so sad for her, and so angry at her so-called friends, that it's actually taking my mind off of my own problems. Imagine that.

---

I really did have fun at the thingy yesterday. I don't believe that she thought I had fun, but I did.

---

I guess I should have just stayed in Louisville last night. I bet AlliGirl and CoolHairGirl were working. But I had no way of knowing that Rich O's was going to be such a flop. Shit, I actually thought it might be good. Maybe that'll teach me to be an optimist. I really should know better by now.

Been trying to figure out what to write about this. My ability to think coherently is gone, but not my urge to write. This is a problem.

Sometimes I can just start typing and when I'm done it's halfway decent. Not usually, but sometimes. I'm trying that right now - just letting my fingers do whatever they want. Looks like words are stringing along, so maybe it's working.

Anyway.

I became invisible tonight. To three different people. Each among my favorite people on Earth, but to them, I am an afterthought. Compare me to anyone else - a random bar asshole, a bum from the street - anyone at all, and I'm going to fall short. And I'm going to be ignored.

Wait, ignored isn't the right word. That implies intent and effort, and most of the time I don't think I warrant either.

Sometimes I do think that I'm being purposefully reminded of my place in the hierarchy of things, when this happens. Sometimes I think it's done on purpose, but usually not. Usually I think it's subconscious and unintentional. I'm not sure which is worse. I mean, would you rather have someone tell that you're only useful as a last resort, or simply imply it through their actions?

It's not exactly fun, either way.

I was trying to think if anything happened today, besides the funfest that was work.

But then I remembered that I got to talk to HatGirl on the phone after work.

HatGirl!

Yay!

I feel bad because not many people are going to her bachelorette party. If I was a girl, I'd go. Because, duh, it's HatGirl!

I asked her if she'd reminded everyone, when she sent the invitations, that she's HatGirl, and she said that it was implied.

I'm thinking that it must not have been implied very well or more girls would be going to HatGirl's party.