Wednesday, June 23, 2010
posted by dave at 8:58 PM in category quickies
Close call
I started thinking about something, but then I remembered that I don't want to think about that, so I stopped.
I didn't even have enough time to get excited.
I've been worried all day.
It sucks when the right thing to do is nothing.
Be that way.
Had a nice Red Lobster dinner with OddlyFamiliarGirl. Now back to Rich O's for dessert.
Timing sucks
They can't look at my car's A/C until tomorrow at the earliest.
I dreamed that I got an iPhone, but it was the size of a VHS tape, so I didn't like it.
Stage one
I wish things were different.
I've just realized that, in the space of a couple of hours today, I declined opportunities to see them both.
The A/C is my Intrepid is out again. It lasted a week this time.
Silver lining
At least this bullshit is taking my mind off LaptopGirl. A hell of a price to pay, though.
Had one of those weird dreams that leaves me scratching my head. Something about a haunted castle attraction where things went horribly awry...
I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow. I could sit out here and drink Marzen all night. Also, I wish I had more Marzen.
I'm finally out in my garage, finally drinking a Marzen.
I don't like being lumped in with the assholes and dipshits and fuckheads of the world. I'm fucking better than that, and to know me is to know that fact. Admitting it is, apparently, a different matter entirely.
I have to work for a while at 9:00. I'm trying to decide whether to go out to my garage for a Marzen before or after.
Went to visit my parents and my grandmother. I guess it's nice that they're all buried next to each other.
Woke up at 7:00, sat around for a while, went and got breakfast, sat around some more. Meanwhile, Sleeping Beauty slumbers on...
The ceremony was nice. Everyone looked beautiful. Now I'm at Rich O's. Everyone just looks okay.
Now they're holding us hostage.
The ceremony is about to start!
Home very briefly, then shopping and then Beffie's wedding!
Woke up at 6:00, partly because of a pretty good thunderstorm and partly because of circadian rhythm. I've got a long day ahead of me.
It's a billion degrees outside. My trees are melting. Good thing we're inside, where it's nice and cool. Except I'm not concentrating on pool so I'm getting my ass kicked.
I guess I'm going out to my garage for a while. I have to wear clothes, though, because it's not dark yet.
There are two gay guys here on their first date. That's pretty much the opposite of getting to see HatGirl.
Who are all these fucking people?
The weekend is here, kinda!
Going to see Gallagher tonight!
Friday, June 18, 2010
posted by dave at 7:38 PM in category ramblings

First, a disclaimer.

The existence of this entry means nothing beyond the fact that this entry exists. Please do not infer that now I'm going to be a regular blogger again. Such an inferation* would probably be foolhardy.
Next, the real disclaimer.
This will not last. Only one thing ever lasts, and this, this is pretty much the opposite of that one thing. I am aware that this will not last, yet I choose to write about it anyway. This is one of the perks of having my own blog; I get to choose my own topics. So there.
I've wondered, often and frequently, what would happen when I lost hope. I've wondered what I'd write here, or if I'd write here, but mostly I think I've wondered what kind of person I'd become.

Right now, as I type this sentence, I have zero hope.


Also, as a bonus, I have zero expectations.

Once again, Z.E.R.O.

And, to top it all off in a weird way, I have only an infinitesimal amount of desire. And most of that is probably just inertia.

So much has changed, internally and externally. I'm finding myself wondering again. About myself. About this blog.

So, what will I write here?

Only stupid entries like this one, apparently.

What kind of person have I become?

That's a little bit tougher to say. I might be too close to myself to give any kind of objective opinion. RockGirl could probably provide an in-depth diagnosis, but I haven't asked her. I think I'm scared to ask her.

Anyway, I don't think I'm a dick. I was really worried about that. I also don't think I'm a fuckhead, though I've been accused of that. And I'm definitely not a dipshit. I'll never be a dipshit.

I guess, if I had to guess and I guess that I do have to guess, I guess I'm still me. Just a watered-down version with no passion.

That's actually kind of disappointing. I'd hoped to change more.

I suppose it's good that this won't last. I'll have plenty more chances. To be hurt again.

I postulated, back in March when I was almost, but not quite completely driven away, that I had one possible route toward a chance at having a happy life. It wasn't much of a chance - 10 or 20 percent at most - but it was and is certainly better than zero.

The route is simple. Zero contact and zero sightings. That's what it would take to give me my 10-20 percent chance at a happy life. I mean, I've been asked to forget, and I've been asked to stop thinking. How can I do either when reminders are so random and when they occur so often?

Answer: I can't

I do not think that this route of possible happiness exists in the same universe as me. So I expect to have zero chance at ever having a happy life.

Oh well, I guess.

* - I might have just invented that word.

Thursday, June 17, 2010
posted by dave at 6:13 AM in category quickies
Why do they have to have 6:00 AM come so early in the morning?
I told RockGirl, around 1:00 PM, that I had a bad feeling about tonight. Try to be a good guy, and basically get accused of being a fuckhead. Story of my fucking life.
Delirium Nocturnum is on tap at Rich O's! What a nice surprise.
I guess it wouldn't kill me to skip an evening.
At least I didn't get any bullshit about how I wouldn't understand.
Storm warnings all over the place, and it's not even raining at my house.
Oh goody
The gay hat brigade is here.
How my brain works
Yesterday was a total surprise, but if she doesn't show up tonight I'll take it as a personal insult.
It just doesn't hold my attention anymore.
I've reached the state of exhaustion in which my joints hurt. That means it's almost time for bed.
There's nothing I can say. I'm either a liar or I'm crazy or I'm misinformed.
I am so far beyond tired, I can't even see tired anymore. It disappeared over the horizon hours ago.
I have air conditioning in my Intrepid.
Up and at 'em
I'm back up. I guess I slept about an hour. It would have been more except Buddy decided to practice his yodeling around 4:30.
I just got home. Working 13.5 hours on a Sunday sucked, but not as much as going back in at 8:30 will.
Biting my tongue, hard.
Dear God
It's too fucking hot. Your attention in this matter would be appreciated.
Going to buy some more manly bedding. I haven't decided between sandpaper or black with bloodstains. Ooooh, or camoflauge!
No longer waiting.
Waiting waiting waiting...
Time to start freaking out. I hope she doesn't flake again.
Never mind
Scratch that last post. This beer isn't that good at all. Damn lagerish finish that lasts forever...
Chatoe Rogue Dirtoir Black Lager
Black with a nice tan head that lasts. Aroma a little burnt, both malts and hops. Medium mouthfeel. Nice malty flavor. Not much about this that I don't like. Good.
I fucking hate stage one!
I slept until 6:00 this morning. Where has the day gone?
It's just not that simple. I wish it was, but it's not. So shut up.
Good thing I know I can get by on very little sleep.
Chatoe Rogue
Clear light copper in color, whitish head that fades quickly. Aroma of grasses and hops. Thin mouthfeel. Citrusy flavor. Decent is all I can say.
I heard a kinda crappy story tonight. I think I care.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
posted by dave at 7:34 PM in category pictures, quickies
OddlyFamiliarGirl is here!
My neighbor just walked in.
The best thing about where I work is that I can have Skyline every day for lunch. That's also the worst thing.
Now I'm at Rich O's. Traffic sucked, and it was made worse by the temperature being 47 billion.
I'm falling asleep here, but StrangeGirl has already fallen asleep once at her desk. So I guess I win.
Looking for a spark that can start a fire that can grow into an inferno that can consume me.
That is all.
Now I'm craving Red Lobster. This time, it's RockGirl's fault.
Had a meeting with the CIO, and we talked about Arni's Pizza. So now guess what I'm craving.
Okay, this morning it seemed silly to get up at 5:00. I still did it, but it seemed silly.
That was totally unexpected. But I kinda liked it, in a weird way.
I still think it could be awesome. Or, at least, a lot of fun for a while. Either way, better than this bullshit.
I just hit a wall. I'm so tired all of a sudden. That's weird, because I've been getting plenty of sleep. Also, it's weird that I've been getting plenty of sleep.
They called me to tease me and tell me that my new furniture is ready in the warehouse.
Got up way early (3:38) because of a stupid dream that I still can't get out of my head. I guess I may as well go into work.
People suck.
I'm very confused by today's events.
It's such a nice day out there. I may postpone pizza night and eat outside at Polly's.
Well, crap... I've got a decision to make. Maybe I'll hold off for a while. Maybe I'll get lucky and spontaneously combust.
Apparently, I bought gay sheets.
I think that I'm finally and officially all shopped out.
Instead of murdering anyone, I ended up hurting them financially. Less jail time that way.
Bedroom is prepped. My new bed should arrive sometime in the next four hours.
Had a really nice night. Now, back to reality.
This girl in the movie just ran through a glass door and got all cut up. I did the same thing when I was a kid.
Damn, they're out of Barfly. I guess we'll make do with Gumballhead.
I really wanted to go somewhere today. Oh well, I guess.
I'm going to have them try to fix my air conditioning. That would be cool, so to speak.
Monday, June 7, 2010
posted by dave at 7:58 PM in category comics

that was the only answer I could think of

Sunday, June 6, 2010
posted by dave at 10:43 PM in category ramblings

It's not like before, this quiet. I'm not sure that I can describe it. It's not a lack of noise, or a softening of sound. Those things have happened before. This time it's different. Now, now it's something else that's going on.

Maybe the years and years and years of noise have finally started to affect me. Maybe I'm going deaf. Maybe I've...

Scratch that, I figured it out.

It's become constant. There are no ups or downs anymore.

Noise without fluctuation has no meaning. It's just static, and I think that I'm starting to ignore that static.

This won't last.

posted by dave at 1:15 PM in category daily

When I went there, the saleperson/manager who screwed me over wasn't there. The manager on duty said that he'd call me tomorrow.

So what I did was I went to another furniture store and bought a bed there. While I was at it, I bought an additional $1000 of bedroom furniture.

I can't wait to tell the guy tomorrow that (a) I spent $1500 on at a competitor's store, and (b) they'd never see another dime of my money.

posted by dave at 11:43 AM in category daily

So they brought the box spring, and the mattress, and the water bladder, and the heater, and the support thingy.

What they didn't fucking bring is the frame or the headboard.

They weren't on their order, and when they checked my receipt, they weren't on the receipt.

They open at 12:00. I'm going to go there and rip somebody's head off.

Saturday, June 5, 2010
posted by dave at 10:51 AM in category quickies
The dude tried to sell me 80,000 mile tires for a car with 122,000 miles on it.
I get my new waterbed Sunday!
Be that fucking way.
I miss her. It doesn't even matter who "her" refers to. I miss them all.
Uh oh
I'm thinking about stuff again.
Now my kitchen floor has water all over it. Grrrrrr.
Goodnight, cruel world. My sheets won't tangle themselves.
I should stop glaring at my phone. After that, I should start shitting gold nuggets. After that, I should cure cancer and initiate world peace.
Then I said that maybe us seeing each other wouldn't be a good idea. That was a really stupid thing to say.
The commute was a breeze today, in both directions. I wish it could be like that everyday.
Small world
Was walking down the hall, and ran into FirstLady. Turns out we now work at the same place.
That was probably the most fucked up request ever almost made of me.
Something is happening, or has happened. I don't like it.
The question is: What do we do about it?
The neighbor's horse is loose again. It's a nice horse.
Restraining myself again. Trying to be a good guy. It hardly seems worth the effort sometimes.
We'll have to try it out, as soon as it arrives.
Oh no! What happened? To you?!?
I'm very excited about tomorrow!
I wonder if I'm going to put her picture up, with all the others, at my new desk tomorrow. I probably won't know until I get there.
I used to only fear the worst, now I assume it. This irritates me.
Pizza night!
I nearly drowned leaving the mall, and I've got eyestrain from glaring at my phone, but I've had a nice day.
Little remote-controlled helicopter: $40. Six AA batteries: $6.50. The look on my cats' faces as the thing flew around the room: Priceless.
Today, I get to go shopping for some work clothes. That would maybe be fun, except I've got to go up an inch in waist size.
There are about a million ways tonight could have been different, and all but three or four would have been better.
Instead of Everest, I made the trek to Rich O's. It's less arduous, and safer.
Wish me luck
I'm watching Everest Beyond the Limit on Netflix. It's cool. Now I want to go climb Mt. Everest. I can probably make it back in time for work Tuesday.
I find myself very unmotivated. I have shit to do today, dammit!
The sky is really green now.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
posted by dave at 6:36 AM in category dreams

I was in a convenience store, and a bunch of guys came in to rob the place. At first, I wasn't going to resist, but then one of the guys pissed me off. He made me empty my pockets, and he was going to steal my rock. My most prized possession.

Fuck that.

I went ninja on his ass, and on everyone in his little gang.

Everyone except one guy who I just couldn't seem to shake. He pulled out a gun and started shooting. The cashier, the other customers, me.


In my dreams I almost never have to run away from anything or anyone. Usually I can stand my ground and fight my way clear. But not this time. Not against this guy.

I ran.

Somehow I managed to escape. I either lost the guy or he gave up on chasing me. I collapsed in an alley and began surveying my wounds. I'd been shot several times, and I was bleeding badly.

I needed help.

I heard footsteps coming down the sidewalk.

It was her.

She looked right at me, lying there bleeding to death. Then she turned away and kept walking. She was talking into her phone, with some asshole, no doubt.

Of all the times to get shot, I'd picked a time when she was going to pretend that she didn't give a shit about me.

I managed to get to my feet, and started hobbling back the way I'd came. I found the guy with the gun, and I stood perfectly still for him while he shot me through the head.

I woke up before I hit the ground.

posted by dave at 6:35 AM in category ramblings

I think that I'm settling into this schedule too easily. In bed by 10:00, up at 5:00. Work, home, sleep. This is a recipe for complacency. For the same fucking contentedness that wasted most of my 30s.

Not that I'm even close to content. But I can tell that it's there, just around the corner beyond acceptance. Eventually, if I'm not careful, I'll get there.

That will suck. Man was not born to be content. To just go through the motions of life.

mysterious gray box mysterious blue box mysterious red box mysterious green box mysterious gold box

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