Note: This was just a generic conversation. Not about anyone in particular. No need to be paranoid.
Found myself in a conversation with OddlyFamiliarGirl last night about sluts. Specifically, my own standards for deciding if a person is a slut or not.
I'll be the first to admit that my thinking is pretty old-fashioned and conservative regarding the subject. I mean, behavior that most of the, especially younger, population would consider acceptable, I'd reject. This is a problem for me, obviously, being so out of tune with a lot of the girls I'd otherwise be attracted to.
Because, I think I've mentioned this before, I don't like sluts. To me, they rate just slightly better than whores, and that's not saying much. Snot may be better than shit, but do you really want either poured over your pasta?
As an aside, my definition of whore has changed. It doesn't have anything to do with profession, nor does it require intent to cause pain. To me, a whore is someone who cheats on their significant other, or someone who is involved in that cheating from the other direction.
So, let's say I was sleeping with a married woman. That would make us both whores, assuming that I knew her situation.
Trying to describe slutty behavior is a lot tougher. It's not nearly so black and white.
I think that a lot of it comes down to frequency. An occasional one-night-stand is different than a lifestyle. Or you can get into the gray area of friends with benefits. I know some people who've tried to make that work. It seldom does. Sooner or later, it will become lopsided and therefore untenable. But friends with benefits aren't sluts, I don't think. It depends on whether you're really friends, or whether you just pretend so you can screw with an ostensibly clean conscience.
Another determining factor I use is intent. I like for there to be some, I mean. To go to bed with someone, knowing that it's just about the sex and there's no intention or desire for anything more later on? Well, to me that's dangerously close to slutdom.
This is why sex on a first date can be, while societally ambiguous, much more acceptable to me than a lot of people might suspect. You meet a person, you get along with them, there's attraction, and most importantly you want to see them again. Why not have yourself some sex on that first date?
But, on the other hand, say you go out with someone, you find them physically attractive, but during the date you find that there's just nothing there and that you have no desire to see this person again. Take them home and screw them anyway, and that pretty much makes you a slut, in my book.
One point that was made to me last night, one that I couldn't really deny even though I wish I could have, is what I'll call the me factor. What that means is, if the sex is with me, then my mental definition of what makes a slut tightens up, usually just enough so that the girl I'm with evades that label. This is juvenile and self-centered of me, I know, but I am a guy, so don't be too surprised.
I guess, if I had to sum my feelings up, I'd say that it can't be just about the sex. There needs to be something more, even if that something is only a hope or an expectation. Sex is supposed to be the icing, not the cake.
It was a pretty good conversation. I'm not sure that I ever managed to fully describe my thoughts on the matter. But, I know it when I see it. And, when I see it, I know that don't like it.