20 questions about you and your lover

(Since I don't have a lover, I'm using the last long-term one.)

When did you guys start dating? December 2005. And she wasn't a guy, she was a girl.
How long have you been dating for? Off and on for a couple of years. Off now.
How did you meet? I wrote an entire entry about it.
Do you love him/her? Yes.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Irrelevant.
Does he/she make you feel like you are something? She made me feel useful, more than anything else.
Does he/she make you laugh and happy? Absolutely.
Have you kissed? Ewww, kissing is gross! Duh, of course we kissed.
Do you like being with that person? I liked it very very much.
Would you cry if he had to go far away forever? No comment.
Do you like that person for looks or personality? Initially attracted to the former, became attached to the latter very quickly.
Would he/she die for you? Doubtful.
Would you die and for him/her? That's a tough one. I probably still would. The world needs people like her more than it needs people like me.
Does your lover make you smile? Absolutely.
Does he/she support you in everything you do? Not even close.
Does he/she try to be there everytime you need them? Yes.
Are you always constantly thinking about the person you love? I don't think about her too often anymore. It's moot.
Do you dream about him/her? Every now and then.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with that person and raise a family? I thought so at one time.
Do you love her/him with all your heart and soul? With as much as I could spare. Which wasn't enough.

Seven Deadly Sins Survey

Who did you last get angry with? Myself. If I'm not allowed to say myself, then probably NotHideousGirl.
What is your weapon of choice? Stupid question.
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? I was just a kid.
How about the same sex? Only in defense, either of myself or someone else.
Who was the last person who got really angry at you? I'm not sure. I think that TremensGirl is mad at me right now, but I may be mistaken. If not her, then probably MixedSignalGirl.
What is your pet peeve? How much time do you have?
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I tend to keep them forever.
Sloth
What is one thing you're suppose to do daily that you haven't? Cleaned the litter boxes.
What is the latest you've ever woken up? That's a nonsensical question as I've worked several different shifts in my life.
Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? Gene.
What is the last lame excuse that you made? All of my excuses are decidedly unlame.
Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? Probably. Who cares?
How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning? Three.
Gluttony
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? I don't understand the question. Does Diet Coke count?
Are you a meat eater? Yes.
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? I once had a 12-pack of Bud Light in a 12-hour period while camping.
Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits? Pretty much.
Do you enjoy candy and sweets? I prefer salty snacks.
Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods? Whoa, I just answered this. Salty.
Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "lunch"? That's weird. Of course not.
Greed
How many credit cards do you own? One, and it's just a debit card.
If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? Spend it.
Would you rather be rich or famous? Rich. Famous people have to put up with too much bullshit.
Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks? Probably.
Pride
What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of? I dunno. I used to be a pretty good pool player. Probably something related to that.
What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of? They're gone now, but I know they were proud of me when I joined the Air Force.
What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life? Immortality.
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Not as long as I did my best.
Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? A million times.
Have you ever cheated to get a better score? Absolutely not.
What did you do today that you're proud of? I didn't murder anyone at work.
Lust
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)? I'm going to guess 20.
How many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians, doctors, family, locker rooms, or when you were a young child)? I'm going to guess 20 again.
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation? Duh. Though I try to behave myself.
What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice? Even though eyes are a cliche, I really do love eyes.
Have you ever had sexual encounters (including kissing/making out) with multiple persons? You mean at the same time, or over the course of my life? Yes.
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? Yes, In Las Vegas last Summer. I politely declined.
Envy
What item of your friends would you most want to have for your own? I can't really think of anything tangible. I'd like to have MusicalYuppieDude's talent at playing guitar. Does that count?
Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? My sister Dina has much better taste than me, so I'll pick her.
If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be? No comment.
Have you ever been cheated on? Yes. It sucked, by the way.
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? I'd often like to be taller.
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? Ability to carry a conversation with a group, I guess.
What deadly sin...
Do you do the most often? Sloth.
Do you do the least often? I'd say the eating one. Gluttony.
Is your favorite to act on? Lust. Duh.

What a disappointment.

They weren't lingerie photos after all. Just bikinis.

Come to think of it, I might have been told that, when they first started flooding in. I just forgot when I saw all the Victoria's Secret URLs.

I'm supposed to help HatGirl pick something for a cruise, I guess.

I like the one in the lower right.

So, not the best day for me, but I'll get over it I suppose.

Had the world's longest and most pointless meeting this morning. The eventual outcome of the meeting was, "We don't know anything, let's schedule another meeting and maybe we'll know something by then."

During the meeting, about a million fire trucks showed up and nearly surrounded our building. This struck me as strange, mainly because none of us were on fire at the time. As it turned out, there was an alarm at a nearby building. Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.

The rest of the work day was okay, I guess. I've got so much crap to do. I think I'm going to have to burn a day of vacation tomorrow so I'll have time to do some of the crap. I think this is how workaholics are born.

Speaking of being retarded, I left a sleeping bag out on my deck, and now it's soaking wet because it stormed a little while ago.

Also, my stupid cats are acting like they're starving to death, but their food bowls are full. Because I fed them this morning, disrupting their usual schedule. I doubt that they've even bothered to look to see if they have any food.

Also, I sometimes I really miss working for myself. Stupid internet bubble bursting...

Grrrr.

I think that's it for now. I've got lingerie pictures in my email that I'm supposed to look at.

Right now, I'm in one of my moods again.

Sometimes I think these of these moods of mine as periods of unusual clarity. Other times I think they're just crazy periods - where I outdo even myself.

Whatever.

Right now, I don't think this is a bad thing, this one thing that I can't write, or say, or show, or pantomime.

I think it's good, maybe even great.

It's a simple matter of acceptance, that's all.

No extrapolations. No predictions. None of that crap. Just acceptance.

It, quite simply, is.

Just fucking deal with it.

Understanding is irrelevant.

I had a really nice day, by the way. People were really nice to me today.

So Rich O's is going to be closed next weekend. All weekend. I could say something about what I think of that, but I kinda want to go in there again someday, so I'll hold my tongue.

---

This Friday I'm going to this dealie at our local Caesar's casino. I'm looking forward to it except for the tiny little thing that I'm on-call this week, and there's never been much cellphone reception at Caesar's. So there's a chance that all hell could break loose at work and I won't know anything about it until I return to civilization.

---

I really want to go somewhere next weekend. And now that Rich O's is going to be closed I really really want to go somewhere. But, who am I kidding? I'm not leaving the area, not even for a weekend.

---

I recently expanded my cable TV lineup. So now, if I wanted to, I could become a baseball fan again. The only restriction would be that I'd have to be a Reds fan. And I'm not sure that they're worthy of the time and effort I'd have to put in to really follow and root for them.

When I was in Seattle, being a Mariner's fan was both fun and validating, most of the time. But still, it's hard to be a baseball fan if you really want to follow the team. There are so many games. I dunno if I'm up for that kind of commitment.

---

My answer was no, of course. What a stupid question.

---

It's AlliDay today!

Yay!

---

Then Sunday morning I have some work stuff to do. It will probably be fun, unless it doesn't go smoothly. Then it will suck, but that's what I get paid for, I suppose.

---

I think that's it.

---

I know I'm forgetting something.

This is a unique situation for me. There's no doubt about that.

Never before and, I hope with all my heart, never again will I find myself struggling like this again.

Searching frantically for purchase on such a sheer rockface. Reaching out wildly at each passing outcropping and crevice as I fall, hoping against hope that I can slow my descent. Survive to climb again.

But it's exhilarating, in its own special way. The stark contrast. The points of light shining so brightly against that ebony background.

I could mix metaphors all day and all night, I think.

Anyway, I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what happened.

I mean, I know pretty much when it happened. I just don't know what it was. What I did wrong, said wrong, thought wrong, felt wrong.

Clearly, I did something wrong. Clearly, it's all my fault.

What was once gray has separated like oil and water, has become bright tiny sparks in the dark. Stars, beautiful but oh so distant. Useless, but necessary. Oh so necessary.

I seem to be thinking about stars a lot lately.

Yes
Of course I will. Damn, it's been so long, I'm already trembling with the anticipation of getting to see you. And, not only seeing you, but seeing you happy. Because that's what's important - that you're happy. Of course I'll come.

And I will gladly shake the hand of the man who's done what I couldn't do.

No
What a stupid question. How could you even suspect that I'd agree to that? Have you ever even met me? What's the climate like on your planet, anyway?

I'll tell you what - I'll agree to see you and your dipshit boyfriend as soon as you agree that I can bring along the person you hate more than anyone.

Yeah, I didn't fucking think so.

Have a nice life, and I mean that seriously. But I'll be over here, trying to live my own life.

Maybe
I need to think about it for a couple of days. It's tempting, but it's more than a little scary. I really do want to see you, but I wonder if I also need to see you.

If the latter, then it's just too risky for me. I've got enough needs in my life right now.

It's been a long time, but has it been long enough? I need to think about this some more. I'll let you know.

Tonight, after my eyes had finally adjusted to the dark, and after my brain had finally learned to stop looking across the street at my neighbor's dick light, I saw some stars.

Actual stars. Not nearly as many as I saw when I was a kid. My aging eyes and all this stupid light pollution have taken care of that. And not even a zillionth as many as what I saw on that one night in Nevada, but still, a lot of stars.

They were pretty.

I also was lucky enough to see not one, not two, but five shooting stars.

I made five wishes.

More precisely, I made the same wish five times.

I am not a bad person. I am not a selfish person.

I wished for eternal happiness for someone else.

Also, as an added bonus, here's the only comic I can think of which featured shooting stars. I like this one, even though MixedSignalGirl was kinda mean.

---

Recently I've been asked what I mean when I say that I'm in a weird mood. I've found that, with questions like that, a description is much easier to come by than a definition:

Sometimes, I dare to envision a day. A perfect day. A day of laughter and love and joy and incredible happiness. I dare to envision such a day, but I see it as the fantasy that it is, and I do not get sucked into it.

Sometimes, I remember the truth, the reality of life. My life. And sometimes I can stand the pain that reality forces into my brain, and sometimes I do not want to cry out at the unfairness of it all.

It's those incongruities that makes them weird, these moods in which I sometimes find myself.

I often have dreams about my house having a secret room. Sometimes it's just that; a heretofore forgotten room, usually full of junk and other treasures. Sometimes there'll be an entire new apartment hidden behind a closed door, but usually it's just a room.

Part of the reason for these dreams, besides the obvious symbolism, is I think because there are parts of my house into which I almost never venture. Storage areas and a full-blow storage room. Another reason, I think, is this one house I looked at while I was in the market. I ended up in this house, of course, but that house certainly made an impression on me with all its levels and tiny rooms off the basement. I'd have probably bought it, if only there'd have been enough room for a pool table.

Anyway, tonight I dreamed of yet another secret room in my house. Except this was a room the likes of which I've never dreamed before.

I opened the door set into a wall in my basement, and beyond the door was a giant hillside, sloping down into a green valley. A cute little dirt path led from the door at the top of the hill down into the valley where a small village nestled.

"Oh boy!" I thought. "Look at all this cool stuff to explore, right here in my own house!"

I entered the new room, and started walking down the path. I noticed a fence to my right, and a black bull on the other side of the fence. That bull matched my pace as I walked down the hill into the valley. Not really menacing, but not friendly either.

The village was deserted. All the doors were locked. It was very frustrating, because I knew I'd have to call the people I'd bought the house from and see if they had any old keys lying around. And that would take time.

I started back up the hill, feeling depressed because my explorations would have to wait.

There was a movie playing on a billboard. Funny how I'd missed it before. The movie's narrator was talking about how, in the olden days, rodeos had used black rhinos instead of bulls. And it was only because rhinos became endangered that the familiar rodeo bull had risen to such popularity.

I had to admit, a rodeo with black rhinos would be pretty fucking cool.

Also, near the fence in a place where I really should have noticed it before, was a little tourist stand. Inside the stand were all kinds of things related to various things about bulls. The only one I really remember was a shirt. There was a whole stack of them, actually. Orange football jerseys with the number 34 in big white letters. Little cards stapled to each shirt asked the question, "Will a bull always charge the color orange?"

And then there was some small type that I didn't have time to read. Because as soon as I'd picked up the shirt and the card, that damn bull broke through its fence. It stood there on the dirt path, glaring and snorting at me.

I ran.

I ran like a motherfucker to the top of the hill, and I ripped the door open, and I slammed it shut. I just barely made it back to safety. I could feel the bull pressing against the door. Trying to get into my house. Trying to get to me. I pressed all of my weight against the door, knowing that it was only a matter of time.

Today I've been wondering about something.

I know, you don't have to remind me. Wondering has always proven to be a really stupid thing for me to do. But, as with most relevant things in my life these days, I just can't help it. I'd certainly stop wondering, if I could.

But I can't.

So there.

Today, I'm wondering if that was our first fight. I kinda hope that it was. Because, you know, it really wasn't that bad. And it would be nice to know that our first fight was out of the way.

But I'm also wondering about the make-up sex.

Does it still count as a fight, even if there's no make-up sex?